King Arthur, defeater of the Saxons and ruler of Britain, Ireland, Iceland, Norway and Gaul has been fined by the Environmental Protection Agency after allegedly pulling a sword from a stone.
“King Arthur, on or about the 1st of May, did damage to a pristine wetland environment” said the EPA administrator Scott Pruitt.
There was a sword in a rock. How that sword got there is irrelevant. It was part of the stone’s environment. King Arthur, by recklessly pulling the stone out damaged that environment. Already the EPA is getting reports of rain in England and rising seas levels. This may or may not be a direct result of the sword pulling. Bill Nye, our top climatologist, is convinced it is. And he’s a scientist you know. So until King Arthur returns the sword to its rightful place we shall fine him $50,000 per week. It gives us at the EPA no pleasure to do this. Okay, so that’s not entirely true. We live for shit like this.
Many in Congress are also asking that the Sword of Excalibur be classified as an “assault sword.”
“This is no ordinary sword” said House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi.
I’ve heard that King Arthur uses this sword to blind his opponents. I don’t know much about swords but I don’t think this is normal. I believe this sword is a semi-automatic sword and contains a magazine and a clip. Like I said I don’t know much about swords but we cannot stand by while an Englishman with an assault sword threatens us. I’m Nancy Pelosi. At least that’s what my wristband says. They make me wear it just in case I get lost. Now what was I saying? Something about an assault sword.
Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has promised “swift retaliation” against King Arthur.
Bomb him. We must bomb England. We must drop as many bombs as possible on that country. I don’t care if King Arthur says he’s not a threat to the United States. Bomb him! Destroy the country! We just can’t sit by and watch Arthur kill civilians. We have to intervene, bomb them and kill them before he does. If only we had a Republican in the White House and not this Trump guy!
Late night comedian Stephen Colbert on his talk show denounced King Arthur in no uncertain terms.
The only thing you are good for King Arthur is to be the Irish King Diwrnach’s cock holster. I’m not afraid of you. The United States isn’t afraid of you.
King Arthur could not be reached for comment though his press secretary vows to fight the EPA’s fines.
“The sword of Excalibur is just an ordinary sword with magical properties but it is not a chemical weapon” he told reporters.