Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band Accused of Sexual Harassment!

Sgt. Pepper and their white male gaze

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band is facing accusations that it engaged in a pattern of sexual harassment against female concertgoers.

“I saw an ad for one of their concerts in my sorority” said a local college girl.

And I though, yeah, why not go see them. They’ve been going in and out of style but they are guaranteed to raise a smile. I figured it would be nice entertaining way to spend the evening. Besides I like their colorful outfits. They remind me of Prince or Miley Cyrus.

Once at the concert she says things started out normal.

The concert was okay. The audience seemed to be into it. But then the singer started to sing a song and he wanted all of us to sing along. Okay, a sing along. Who doesn’t enjoy a sing along? But then the entire band, even the drummer with the really big nose, looked right at me. They looked straight at me! And they all said, “We’d like to take you home with us we’d love to take you home!” I was shocked. And triggered! I felt raped by their white male gaze!

Shocked by Sgt. Pepper’s naked display of campus rape culture, she ran out of the concert hall back to the safety of her dorm and contacted her indignation counselor.

My indignation counselor, who used to be a man so he knows how rape culture works, told me that I had a pretty good case and that I should contact the college president and see about getting Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band banned from performing on campus again.

After a restless night’s sleep filled with nightmares of being raped by four mustachioed men she and her indignation counselor met with the college president.

The president, a lesbian of color, was naturally sympathetic to the poor coed’s triggering and sent out an email to all students apologizing for allowing the Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band to verbally rape coeds:

On behalf of the entire administration I want to apologize for the actions of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band. Even though they’ve been around for 20 years or so I was not that familiar with their music. If I had any idea that they supported rape culture or could trigger coeds to the point where they retreat to a safe space I would never have allowed them to perform on our campus, which I am proud to say is the largest safe space in our state. Though in retrospect I should have known. I met one of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band once. We went on a date and had a laugh and over dinner he told me he would really like to see me again. Then he got me drunk so I went back to his place. Fortunately we were sitting on the couch with a sister or two so he didn’t have the chance to rape me. I don’t remember which one it was but I think it was the drummer with the big nose.

Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band has denied any intent to harass, trigger or make any coed feel unsafe.

“We respect all our female fans. Well, not the drummer. He’s always trying to pick up women and tell them that his nose isn’t his only large appendage. Frankly we would fire him but our previous drummer is busy working his shifts at the bakery.”


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    I read the campus news today oh boy. Those damn Beatles struck again in Lancashire.

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