I’m compassionate and I believe in compassionation or something

Today at Manhattan Infidel I had planned on spending the day cleaning the grout in my bathroom but then I received an unexpected phone call from noted elite Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano.

AM: Hello  Is this the world famous, widely-read and influential blogger known as Manhattan Infidel?

MI: Um, yeah, that’s exactly who I am.

AM: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel. This is powerful, elite Hollywood actress Alyssa Milano.

MI: Alyssa Milano. Wow. How did you get my number?

AM: It was written on the bathroom stall in the ladies room of a club in Hollywood.

MI: Yeah, I have to stop doing that. Do you know how difficult it was to to that? What with dressing up in pantyhose and a wig  – but perhaps I’ve said too much already. Why are you calling?

AM: There’s something I want to talk about. Something very, very disturbing.

MI: Is it the photos of my penis I keep sending you?

AM: Those are disturbing yes but that’s not what I want to talk about.

MI: Was it the videos I sent you of me pleasuring myself?

AM: Again, also very disturbing. But that’s not what I want to talk about. 

MI: What then?

AM:  I want to talk about ISIS.

MI: ISIS?  The terrorist group from the middle east that seeks to establish a brutal 8th century caliphate?

AM: Yes. We need to show compassion to ISIS.

MI: What?

AM: We need to show more compassion towards ISIS., or would you rather fuel war and terrorism than be at peace through compassion?

MI:  Um.

AM: In fact I feel so strongly about being compassionate towards ISIS I traveled to the middle east and am calling you from ISIS-held territory.

MI: Is that safe?

AM: Maybe not for our military but it’s totally safe for me. I don’t believe the nice ISIS members here have seen any of my work but they were happy to see me. They even said that now that I was here they would let their goats go free, which is good since I’m a vegetarian.

MI: I still don’t think you’re safe.

AM: I’m totally safe. They are very protective of me. They even had me put on a burqa.

MI: A veil?

AM: Yes and I feel so empowered. This veil protects me from the white male gaze.

MI: Right.

AM: And they mentioned something about genitally mutilating me.  

MI: You really need to get out of there now.

AM: It’s all good. I’m sure my female genital mutilation will empower me.

MI: You’re an idiot. I can’t believe I wasted so much time pleasuring myself while thinking of you.

AM: Why I’m flattered. Contact my manager and he will send you an autographed photo of me.

MI: No thanks.

AM: Ouch!

MI: What’s happening?

AM:  Hey pal if you wanted to poke me with a scalpel at least contact my manager first. No one told me female genital mutilation would be so painful.

MI: Okay. Well I see you have everything in hand. I’ll hang up now.

AM: Ow! I feel empowerment. And blood loss. But mostly empowerment.

Let’s hope she gets out of this okay. You know I don’t mind her calling me but I’m almost out of minutes.

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