I would be King now if it weren’t for the sexism and misogyny of Americans!

Presumptive 2020 Democratic Presidential nominee Chelsea Clinton sat down with yours truly for an exclusive interview. Among the topics we discussed were sexism and misogyny in America and how that affected her rise to power. I thank Mrs. Clinton for agreeing to the interview.

MI: Good afternoon Chelsea.

CC: [Pause] I prefer not to be addressed by my first name by workers.

MI: Okay Mrs. Clinton. Let’s talk about the recent election. Why do you think your mother lost?

CC: There is only one reason my mother lost the election: Misogyny. Americans are a closed race not as open to new ideas as Europe and that made them afraid to vote for a woman.

MI: I see. So that was the only – 

CC: I’m not finished speaking. Please don’t interrupt me.  Misogyny is the only explanation for my mother’s loss. [Pause] You may speak now.

MI: How would you end the scourge of misogyny in America?

CC: Re-education. [Pause] You may ask a follow up question now.

MI: And how would you re-educate Americans?

CC: Simple. Everyone should donate to my parents charitable foundation. The money sent to the foundation can be used to educate Americans.

MI: I see.

CC: I haven’t finished speaking. What did I tell you about interrupting me?  It’s gauche. You’re probably one of those little, grubby people who cares about money. That also is gauche. You may address me now.

MI: Have you always felt that misogyny is holding back women?

CC: Yes. I remember when my father, who is very pro-women, was president I objected to the fact that the Secret Service agents guarding me were all men. I put my foot down and demanded female Secret Service agents. My father was very proud of me and more than happy to oblige. He only had one condition: All the female agents must be under 30 and in prime physical condition. He said it would make it easier to protect me. He was very involved. He made it a point to bring all the agents into his office for a thorough vetting. [Pause] You may speak now.

MI: Lately there’s been lots of talk of having you run for President in 2020. Why do you think so many people want you to run?

CC: Americans, good, true Americans anyway, want to get rid of the stench of patriarchy and misogyny. They see my accomplishments and believe I am the woman to do it.  [Pause] You may address me now.

MI: And your accomplishments are what, exactly?

[Pause]

MI: Your accomplishments Mrs. Clinton?

CC: I didn’t mean accomplishments in an accomplishment sense. Because accomplishments in an accomplishment sense are so patriarchal. I meant people want me to rule them because as a Clinton I am a member of America’s royal family.

MI: Right. That’s about all the time we have –

CC: What did I tell you about interrupting me?  Do not interrupt a member of the royal family again!

MI: Right. I’ll interrupt you whenever I goddamn well please. And I’m interrupting you now to say our interview is over.

CC: But I haven’t dismissed you! You’re afraid of a strong, powerful women, aren’t you?  Misogyny!  Misogyny!

MI: Goodbye.

CC: Come back and let me dismiss you or I’ll tell my daddy on you!

And so ended my interview with the woman who will run against Donald Trump in 2020. Let’s hope he doesn’t interrupt her during the debates.

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