The horror! The horror!

In shocking news that horrified the elite throughout the civilized western world, thousands of rich, privileged, young white millennials, after shelling out up to 20,000 dollars for a once in a lifetime concert experience in the Bahamas were forced to live in tents and eat cheese sandwiches.

“It was horrible” said one attendee who paid $40,000 for him and his girlfriend to attend.

I was promised the experience of a lifetime where my girlfriend and I would live in luxury accommodations and walk on the beach hobnobbing with supermodels and movers and shakers. This is something I deserve. I mean college is very stressful, what with tests and restricting free speech of those I don’t agree with. So I needed to relax. I saw the ad online so I called my dad and said “You’re paying 40,000 a semester for me what’s an extra 20,000 for a weekend on the beach?” He agreed and bought me the tickets. 

However after the couple arrived they soon found that the experience was less than they hoped for.

There was no concierge service. How are they going to satisfy all my demands without a concierge? I have a personal concierge in college but my dad wouldn’t pay for his ticket. No concierge! And the private, luxury accommodations? It was just a tent. Now I wouldn’t have minded a tent if their were luxury accommodations inside. And security to guard us but it was just a tent with a sleeping bag. No security. The locals were wandering around taking wallets. I won’t call it stealing. I voted for Bernie so I know all about socialism and I am honored that in my small way I was able to redistribute my income.

But the worst was still to come. Promised a “unique, catered dining experience” the unhappy concert goers were instead given cheese sandwiches.

What the hell?  A cheese sandwich in Styrofoam? First off Styrofoam is murder! But a cheese sandwich? I felt so non-elite. If I wanted to eat a cheese sandwich I’d get a job as a laborer. Fortunately my $450 dollar jeans are pre-muddied so I look like an authentic working class person.

Soon his girlfriend descended into madness.

She’s a gender studies major with a minor in lesbian poetry so I know she’s intelligent. But I guess it was too much for her. She wouldn’t even touch her cheese sandwich. Instead she curled up in a fetal position and started muttering “The horror. The horror!  I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor… and surviving.” I tried to help her but she was too far gone. I had to leave her behind when I made my escape off the island. The last thing she said to me was “But you have no right to call me a murderer. You have a right to kill me. Horror… Horror has a face… and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared.” Clearly she had gone insane.

As his plane took off for the return trip to America he contemplated his experience.

“I’m one of the elite and I was treated like a commoner. What’s this world coming to when those who naturally are better are forced to rough it? Now I know how the Jews felt in the concentration camps. Even though it was their own fault. You know, for kicking the Palestinians off their land.”

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