My life matters!

Tensions are high in the North Pole after protesters from Bumble Lives Matter blocked streets and prevented Santa from making a test run with his reindeer.

“We are tired of these white elves oppressing us and taking our teeth” said a member of the activist group.

This Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is attacked one of us last night and took his tooth out. We want to know what Santa is going to do about this? Is Hermie or Herby or whatever the hell his name is going to be arrested ? No. Of course not. Our lives do not matter to Santa. Well no more! We are rising up. We are strong. We are invincible. We are Bumble!

Santa for his part maintains that an “honest and thorough” investigation of Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is and the Bumble tooth-extraction incident is underway.

“If it’s one thing I pride myself on it’s my lack of prejudice. That and flying around the globe without being shot down” said Santa.

The North Pole is a judgement-free zone. All races are welcome here Bumbles are no exception. If Hermie or Herby or whatever his name is did extract a Bumble’s tooth without his permission why yes I’d want to know about it. Because that type of behavior is frowned upon in the North Pole. That’s why we had to expel the Irish. They kept opening bars. And bars lead to elves vomiting on sidewalks or extracting teeth.

The Elves Local no. 37, however,  is objecting to any investigation.

“We at the Elf Brotherhood categorically deny that one of our own would do this” said the union spokesman.

Our Elven brothers work hard for their money. They are good people who just want to make toys for gentile boys and girls throughout the world. We are the heroes here and the local will not stand by watching the elven name be defamed by some radical Bumbles. Whatever happened to all elves are innocent until proven guilty. Hermie or Herby or whatever his name has had his name and reputation, and by extension the reputation of all elves, dragged through the mud. We demand that Santa reject these baseless claims.

However sympathetic Santa may be to his elven workers, political reality may force him to side with the Bumbles.

I run a business. And as a business owner the last thing I need is controversy or boycotts.  The Bumbles are threatening to start one and I depend on the Bumbles to keep the Irish out. If they turn against me the North Pole will be overridden with the Irish. And if that happens property values will go down. So, yeah, it breaks my heart but I’m going to have to turn Hermie, or Herby, or whatever the hell his name is in. Besides, what kind of elf wants to be a dentist?

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News

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An arrest warrant has been issued for Hermie or Herby the elf (pictured here).

The elf freak in question

He is considered “Armed, dangerous and in possession of those unspeakable instruments of torture – dental instruments.”

 “We ask all citizens that if they see something they should say something” said the North Pole’s sheriff.

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