All bassists should have access to groupies that singers and guitarists have

Fresh on the heels of Net Neutrality Congress today passed the “Bassist Neutrality Act.”

“This bill will go a long way towards fixing groupie inequality in America” declared House Speaker Paul Ryan,

Groupie inequality is a civil rights issue that affects the quality of life of bassists throughout our land. For too long bassists have been denied access to groupies that lead guitarists and singers get. I am proud to live in America that fights for the rights of bassists.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell seconded Ryan’s statement.

“It’s not often in politics that you get a chance to help the downtrodden” said McConnell.

And by downtrodden I mean businessmen who contribute to my campaign. But the sexual injustices that bassists face every day should not happen in America. I hearken back to my time in college when I was a bassist in a bar band. Every night I had to watch the lead singer and guitarist get all the girls while I went home alone to my cats. I had many lonely nights in college. Thank god for The Guiding Light, which was my favorite afternoon soap opera or I would have had no companionship. Except for my cats of course. I loved my cats. Even though they would cough up fur balls that I would step in when I woke up.

Under the Bassist Neutrality Act groupies must treat all members of the band as equals when it comes to sexual favors.

While many are hailing the Act, not all are happy with it.

“This is going to degrade my groupie experience” said one.

I fought hard to get to the top of the groupie game. Do you think I enjoyed blowing all those guitarists in no-name garage bands?  Well I did actually but it was all about building my brand. Now I’m one of the top groupies in America. Singers and guitarists ask for me by name. I have songs written about me. Or more specifically my ability to deep throat. But if I have to start sleeping with bassists they will dump me.  Sleep with a bassist?  I might as well sleep with the schmuck who mixes the sound board. Bassist equality? Equality is a myth!

With the law about to take effect many groupies  have threatened to go on strike until the bill is repealed.

“Let’s see how long a lead singer can go without a blow job!” said the leader of the groupie resistance.

Despite the opposition, McConnell remains proud of the bill.

“I may get the old band back together. Just don’t tell the wife.”

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