Hollywood Green Lights Bernie Sanders Biopic

Bernie Sanders:  The greatest American ever!

Bernie Sanders: The greatest American ever!

It has been announced that a major motion picture biography of Bernie Sanders is in the works and will begin filming soon.

“Bernie may be our next president” said a studio executive.

Regardless of whether he wins or not he is one of the greatest heroes in American history. His story is the story of America: Born into poverty, his pulled himself up from his bootstraps to become a Senator. And he wants to give back by taking away. Taking away from Americans things they shouldn’t have: guns, extra income, success. Punitive taxes and the spirit of redistribution are what made America great!

As to who will play the brave senator the odds on favorite is Hugh Jackman.

This is how America views Bernie Sanders

This is how America views Bernie Sanders

Jackman embodies everything that is best in Bernie:  Sex appeal and a raw physicality not seen since George Clooney was under 50. Every woman wants him to redistribute his seed into them. Men want to be him. Transgendered  admire his socialist principles. After all, don’t transsexuals redistribute their sexual organs?

The movie begins with President Sanders in the Oval Office signing an executive order to confiscate all privately-owned guns.

“As God, who doesn’t exist, is my witness, not another American who doesn’t work for the State, will own a firearm” declares the manly redistributionist President.

After that dramatic opening, President Sanders calls into his office several Catholic cardinals and berates them for their hatred of gays, lesbians and transgendered.

God. who doesn’t exist, declared all things clean. That includes anal sex. The movement to give gays, lesbians and transgendered their rightful place in society is the greatest civil rights movement since Dr. King had a dream.

President Sanders then kicks out the chastened hate-filled clerics before signing another executive order limiting the amount of money private citizens can make to $250,000 a year.

Who really needs to make more money than that? I’ll tell you who. The selfish. The hate-filled. Businessmen and other unsavory types. With the stroke of this pen I will end income inequality in America! The only exceptions will be for Hollywood actors who continue to delight and entertain us as they contribute to the Democratic Party.

The movie ends with President Sanders in Mecca for a pilgrimage, walking seven times counter clockwise around the Kaaba after signing another executive order allowing two million Muslims per year into the United States.

I still don’t think God exists but since Allah is not the god of the white man I guess this is okay. Besides Muslims are pro-gay and favor equal rights for women. That makes them the natural allies of every American value. 

The only possible holdup to filming is if Hugh Jackman cannot take the role.

“We do have a backup plan. Naturally we want Hugh, but if he can’t take the role then we might get Jason Statham

This man might also be Bernie Sanders

This man might also be Bernie Sanders

 or Zac Effron.

Or possibly this man might be Bernie Sanders

Or possibly this man might be Bernie Sanders

Both are socialists like Bernie and both look good with their shirts off like Bernie” said the executive.


4 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Would though it were Rodney Dangerfield, Art Carney or Jack Nicholson were available; all naturals for the role.

  2. LSP says:

    They love the “make all things clean” argument. The phrase delta minus semi moron springs to mind.

  3. Bob Agard says:

    I didn’t know Hillary has an opponent. Thanks for keeping me informed out here in fly-over country. Linked here: http://bobagard.blogspot.com/2016/01/hillary-has-opponent.html

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