Helen of Troy Changes Facebook Status to “It’s Complicated”

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It's very complicated

It’s very complicated

Helen of Troy, wife of King Menelaus, current paramour of Paris and reportedly the most beautiful woman in the world has officially changed her Facebook status from “married” to “It’s complicated.”

“This has been coming for awhile” said a friend.

While she is technically still married to Menelaus she’s spent the past couple years in Troy, which is quite the happening town with a lot of nightlife, with her boyfriend Paris.  Sure it was an abduction.  At first. But have you seen him with his shirt off?

Have you seen my sex chair?

Have you seen my sex chair?

 She still has warm feelings for Menelaus but she has a very physical relationship with Paris. Very physical. I mean they even have a sex chair!

Menelaus, from his encampment in front of Troy, had this to say about his wife.

You know I’ve been here ten years trying to get her back.  Every time we come close the Trojans beat us back. I don’t even know why I try anymore. I thought we were happy and she runs off with this shirtless Paris fellow. I’m getting tired of waiting and should go home. But have you seen her with her shirt off?

Have you see me with my shirt off?

Have you see me with my shirt off?

Just the thought of her shirtless keeps me here.  I really should have more self-control.  Fortunately the camp hookers are here to console me.

The other Greeks camped outside Troy concur.

“I would have gone home years ago” said Achilles.

But then Menelaus started telling me how Helen looked with her shirt off.  Gets a guy worked up it does. I’d like to see that.  Fortunately we have Odysseus.  Have you seen him with his shirt off?”

Agamemnon, the Greek commander-in-chief, has taken to urging his troops to think of nothing but Helen with her shirt off.

“Look this war has been going on for a long time” he said.

People are getting tired of it. We have a large peace contingent that camps out and plays drums all day while chanting “Make love not war.”  I don’t have to tell you that’s bad for morale. So it’s important that we end this war with a victory soon. That’s why I keep telling them to picture Helen with her shirt off.  Now they all want to tear down the walls of Troy and see for themselves.

With the possibility of a stalemate and sailing home to Greece without a victory, new tactics have been devised.

“I’m having my men build a hollow horse” said Odysseus.

Then we’d pretend to sail away, the Trojans will bring the horse inside the city walls and my men will come out at night, open the gates and the city will be ours. Oh there will be plenty of looting and pillaging and raping.  Especially the raping. The men can’t wait to see Helen with her shirt off.

As to where he got the idea of placing his men inside a hollow horse, Odysseus claims it came to him as he was riding along the surf.

“My horse looks damn fine without a saddle. I’ve ordered all my men to ride their horses bareback now. Have you ever seen a horse with its saddle off?”

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2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    The Greek army’s mantra changed to Helen with her shirt off from never leave your friends behind…curious.

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