Rape is wrong! Except when it’s done by Syrian refugees.

Since the reports of mass rapes in Germany on New Year’s Eve many have asked me if it is possible that it wasn’t rape but just a case of cultural misunderstanding.  Are there situations where rape is acceptable? Having researched the problem I believe I have the answer to that question.

There are reports of mass rape.  How do you respond?

• Gather the facts
• No one should be surprised!  White men are rape happy
• Women need government-funded “safe spaces” away from the white man!
• The so-called “rapes” were committed by middle eastern refugees? You are racist for even suggesting that!

A man has pinned you to the ground and is forcibly removing your clothing.  What should you do?

• Use my government-issued rape whistle to alert non-armed police officers
• I must have been dressed too provocatively
• Is my attacker white?
• He must be white.  No other race is so f*cking rape-happy

Oh my god I can feel him about to penetrate my anus!  What should I do?

• Ask him how he feels about gun control.  If he answers that he doesn’t like it use your rape whistle
• If he answers that he favors gun control then he might possibly be a liberal. Relax your anal muscles for him
• It’s not rape when a liberal does it. Just ask Joy Behar
• Enjoy your penetration

Your would-be penetrator just shouted “Allah Akbar”

• I must have misheard
• Islam is the religion of peace™.  I know I must have misheard
• Perhaps he actually said “Vote for Trump!”
• Yeah, he must have said “Vote for Trump.” You know how Republicans are always trying to blame peoples of color

Does your would-be rapist support abortion rights

• Again all I heard was “Allah Akbar.”  My hearing must be going
• That’a s good idea.  If he supports abortion rights then he is my ally
• Stupid Republicans and their stupid war on women!
• People who support abortion rights are hot!

I asked him and he supports abortion!

• Good for you.  Your anus will be penetrated by a progressive
• Buy him a soy latte when the penetration is over
• You know it’s not technically rape.  Perhaps our progressive friend just wants to get his pro-abortion freak on.  Totally normal
• Your girlfriends will be so jealous!

So you see, it turns out there are times when rape is acceptable within the framework of society’s moral code.  Just be a) liberal or b) Muslim.

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