These are the jokes people!

For the last time His Holiness Lord Obama addressed his subjects in the annual State of the Empire Speech.  As a service to my readers I now present the speech in its entirety.  I know. I’m sorry too. Please forgive me.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans (except for the bitter clingers):

Tonight marks the eighth year I’ve come here to report on the State of the Union. And for this final one, I’m going to try to make it shorter. I know some of you are antsy to get back to Iowa.  [pause] These are the jokes people.

Tonight, I want to go easy on the traditional list of proposals for the year ahead. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty and I’ll keep pushing for progress on the work that still needs doing. Fixing a broken immigration system so that more Muslims can come in to our country and rape those sluts in short skirts. Protecting our kids from gun violence by abolishing the second amendment and throwing their gun-owning parents in jail and raising the minimum wage to a livable 35 dollars an hour. After all, a 40 year old grandmother who’s been working at Burger King for 25 years deserves a raise.  

We live in a time of extraordinary change —  I mean my daughters have breasts now.  Soon I’ll have to have them clitorally circumcised.  It’s what the prophet wants.

America has been through big changes before. Each time, there have been those who told us to fear the future. Republicans no doubt; who claimed we could slam the brakes on change, promising to restore past glory if we just got some group or idea that was threatening America under control. And each time, we overcame those fears. We did not, in the words of Lincoln, that great Democrat, adhere to the “dogmas of the quiet Republican past.” Instead we thought anew, and acted anew. We made change work for us, always extending America’s promise outward, to the next frontier of socialism, to more and more people. And because we did — because we saw opportunity where Republicans saw only peril — we emerged stronger and better and more socialist and in more in debt than before.

It’s that spirit that made the progress of these past seven years when I lead my subjects possible. It’s how we recovered from the worst economic crisis in generations. It’s how we reformed our health care system so it’s worse than ever, and how we secured the freedom in every state to marry the person we love even though they have the same genitalia.

But such progress is not inevitable. It is the result of the coercive power of the Federal government.  Will we respond to the changes of our time with fear, turning inward as a nation, and turning against each other as a people? And I don’t mean just the bad Republicans. Or will we face the future with confidence in who we are, what we stand for, and the incredible things we can do together. Even if we have the same genitalia.

So let’s talk about the future, and four big questions that we as a country have to answer .

First how can we confiscate every weapon not used by state forces.

Second how can we use the coercive power of the Federal government to solve climate change?

Third how do we get illegal immigrants to vote Democrat.

And finally how can we get bitter, clinging Republicans to give up their guns.  Technically that’s also number one.  But confiscating guns has been part of the Democratic Party’s platform since Hitler did it in the 1930s.

I don’t have the answer to any of these.  Nor do I care. I’m out of office in a year bitches and intend to travel the globe milking the adulation.

But we have to make college affordable for every American. Because no hardworking student should be stuck in the red. Unless they’ve borrowed $200,000.

Anybody who wants to dispute the science around climate change, have at it. You’ll be pretty lonely, because you’ll be debating our military, most of America’s business leaders, the majority of the American people, almost the entire scientific community, and Leonardo DiCaprio who was recently raped by a bear enraged by climate change.

Surveys show our standing around the world is higher than when I was elected to this office, and when it comes to every important international issue, people of the world do not look to Beijing or Moscow to lead — they call us and ask us to ask Beijing or Moscow to lead.

We need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. Except for white Republicans.

When white politicians insult Muslims, or when a mosque is vandalized by white people that doesn’t make us safer. It diminishes us in the eyes of the prophet Allah. 

That’s the America I know. That’s the country I love. Muslim and intolerant.  Okay, so that’s Indonesia and not the U.S. but I love Indonesia. I believe in you. Well, I believe in Hispanics and Muslims who vote Democrat. That’s why I stand here confident that the State of our Union is strong.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America and the prophet Allah.

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