Just give me the f*ckng Trix and no one will get hurt!

Tricks, the silly rabbit obsessed with Trix cereal has passed away, a victim of his lifelong addiction.

“We knew this day was going to come” said a longtime friend.

As much as we dreaded it, it’s a relief in many ways. At least he is free now. Free of his dreaded addiction to that damn cereal. He was a good, if silly, rabbit. But once you have that addiction monkey on your back it usually doesn’t end well. May his life and death serve as a warning to others who may want to dabble in Trix cereal.

Tricks was born in 1955 in upstate New York.  At first he was a just a normal rabbit with a penchant for telling jokes and being the class clown with his group of friends.

But one day in 1973 that would all change.

“We were at a party and they were passing around Trix cereal” according to a fellow party goer.

It was an experimental time and everyone was snorting Trix. No big deal.  Anyway the bowl came to Tricks. He snorted some and the look on his face changed. It was like he lost his soul. I’ve blamed myself over the years. I wish I had never taken him to that party. He had so much to offer and he snorted it all away.

Once Tricks got his first taste of the delicious breakfast cereal he dropped out of college where he was studying electrical engineering and began a long downward spiral.

Because of his addiction he had trouble holding jobs and was frequently unemployed. Needing money to feed his addiction Tricks turned to a life of petty crime.

“We arrested him a few times for B and E” said a cop.

Funnily enough he never stole any valuables. We’d find him in the kitchen surrounded by empty boxes of Trix and a glazed look on his face. It was a sorry sight.

Soon petty crimes weren’t enough to feed his addiction and he moved to the west coast to be closer the Trix harvesting fields of southern California.

He gravitated towards actors.

“Actors always had some Trix” said a fellow junkie.

And they seemed happy to have him around. I didn’t know why at first. It turns out they were giving him Trix in exchange for letting them use his ears as a masturbatory aid. Hey, actors. They are weird people. I mean as addicted as I was I never lost that much self-respect.

When actors weren’t available he would stalk children’s birthday parties by dressing as a clown. Oftentimes parents would find him in kitchen tossing boxes out of the cabinet until he found some Trix.  If the house didn’t have any he would burn it down.

On one notorious occasion he broke into a home and attacked children at breakfast.

“Just give me the f*cking Trix and no one will get hurt” he told them.

Frightened, they ran screaming out of the house as he brandished a knife.

In an attempt to overcome his addiction he returned to New York in 2012.  At first he seemed successful but the pull of temptation proved too much and soon he was using again.

“The last time I saw him he was by the side of road covered in sores” said a classmate.

I didn’t even recognize him at first.  Tricks is that you I said. He just looked at me with those sad eyes and pointed to his semen-encrusted ears. “Kill me.  You’d be doing me a favor” was all he said.

Shortly after this he was found dead of exposure, the victim of a New York winter night.

In lieu of flowers friends are asked to make a donation to the Society for the Prevention of Cereal Addiction.

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