Bang! Zoom! Right in the kisser!

Ralph Kramden, and employee of the Gotham Bus Company, has been fired from his job after a string of violent domestic abuse incidents at his apartment.

“I often heard the two arguing” said upstairs neighbor Ed Norton.

I mean I’m Ralph’s best friend and I didn’t want to get him in trouble.  But you can only turn a blind eye for so long. There were many times I’d visit him and Alice would be crying.  She had black eyes and I just knew that Ralph had inflicted another savage beating.  You know I’m a man and I know how it goes. Sometimes you have arguments that get out of hand. But enough was enough. I had to call the cops. If this kept up he was going to kill her. Besides my wife said if I didn’t do something she would never touch me again.

When police arrived at the Kramden’s apartment at 328 Chauncey Street in the Bensonhurst section of Brooklyn they found Mrs. Kramden cowering in the bedroom and Ralph banging on the door screaming, “One of these days… One of these days… POW! Right in the kisser! Bang! Zoom!  Straight to the Moon!”

Police tasered and subdued the burly, violent bus driver and placed him in handcuffs before bringing him down to the precinct.

At the police station Kramden maintained his innocence.

“This is a set up I tell you. A set up!” he told detectives.

I would never hurt Alice. I love her. I have never touched her. But since she started taking classes at college she’s changed. She keeps asking me to provide her with a “safe space” whatever the hell that is. Once time I asked her to perform fellatio on me for my birthday.  She said she will not give verbal or nonverbal affirmative consent to such a sex action and kicked me in the groin!  On my birthday! Is it any wonder I’ve been getting angry with her. What  husband wouldn’t?

Ed Norton confirms that Alice had changed since taking classes but insists the change was for the better.

Before she was just a housewife and conformed to the white man’s lower expectations of what a woman can do. But she’s grown.  I’ve started a hashtag, #busdriverswiveslivesmatter to show my support for her. In my apartment I have designated the bedroom a “safespace” for my wife Trixie. She even has her own key. I can only enter by her consent, which is as it should be. We white men have raped our women, our environment, our world for too long. I’ve gone vegan because meat is murder, I have a low flush toilet to save water and I buy carbon credits whenever I can. If only Ralph would be more like me.  I guess we sewer workers are more enlightened than mere bus drivers.

A spokeperson for the Gotham Bus Company has confirmed that Kramden was an employee but that he has been terminated.

We at the Gotham Bus Company have a very strict policy on domestic abuse: We oppose it. All employees have to take mandatory anger management training and have their spouses sign weekly forms stating that their domestic partners respect their safe space, ask for affirmative sexual consent and do not physically abuse them. Kramden’s actions in no way reflect upon the progressive values of Gotham and we are committed to female equality. We have even hired a few female bus drivers and some of them are actually biologically female!

Released on his own recognizance Kramden vows to move to the Florida Keys.

“Screw it.  I’m going to live my life on a small boat somewhere far away from any colleges!”

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