Have you ever seen a tire naked?

The Michelin Man was ordered today to stop drinking, put on some pants and stay away from children after a recent string of embarrassing incidents. He has also been relieved of all duties as a spokesman for the Michelin tire company.

“He was starting to be a problem and was affecting the bottom line” said Michelin’s CEO, Jean-Dominique Senard.

We’ve been keeping a dossier on his behavior for a long time.  We were hoping it wouldn’t come to this frankly. He’s been our spokesman for over a hundred years and loyalty still means something.  We sat him down a few times and told him to cool it but he wouldn’t listen and kept behaving inappropriately.

Source say the Michelin Man (formally known as Bib or Bibelobis) had recently transitioned from fully functioning alcoholic to out of control and non-functioning alcoholic.

“I was hired to document his behavior” said a private investigator hired by Michelin.

In just three weeks of following him around I documented 25 cases of public intoxication, ten cases of meth and cocaine use, 22 times he was naked in public.  20 times he was naked in public while intoxicated, 8 cases of being naked in public while high on cocaine and one case of  being naked in public while running down a street in broad daylight while carrying a frightened child in each arm and shouting “I’m Henry the Eighth I am! Henry the Eighth I am I am! I got married to a widow next door she’s been married seven times before.”  Frankly the whole being naked with children thing we could have let slide but quoting Herman’s Hermits?  Some things are just wrong.

The Michelin Man has ignored repeated requests by Michelin to tone down his behavior or enter rehab.

“I think he was just frustrated” said a Michelin executive.

He wants to be taken seriously as an actor and I think it bugs him that he is only known as a spokesman.  “I should be doing Shakespeare instead I’m just another Mr. Whipple” he told me. I sympathized with him but you know what?  No one forced him to take our money. He can always quit and do theater. But no. That would interrupt his lifestyle. The hell with him.

Michelin has cut all ties with the Michelin Man and is now seeking another spokesman.

“We’re thinking of going in another direction” said Senard.

The Michelin Man, while popular with old people did not appeal to a younger demographic. We’ve been in contact with Miley Cyrus. Now there’s an appealing person. And you must admit her large dildos would add hip dimension to the Michelin Man costume. But if Miley doesn’t accept we have other feelers out.  Specifically Justin Bieber and Lamar Odom.

The former Michelin Man, who now prefers to be called by his real name of Bibelobis has just announced that he has been hired to star in a new production of Beatlemania.

“I play Pete Best.  I have one line:  ‘What do you mean I’m out?’  Sure it’s not much but it’s a start to resurrecting my theater career.”

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