Optimus Prime Rejects Sexual Identity!

All my life I've been trapped by my sexual identity

All my life I’ve been trapped by my sexual identity

Optimus Prime has announced that after a lifetime of being “trapped” in his male transformer body he is fully transitioning into a female transformer.

“It is true” said Optimus in a prepared statement.

For years I felt different than the other Autobots. I had a sense that my body was not what it was supposed to be. These feelings kept coming back to haunt me. The other Autobots told me I was crazy.  “Stop acting like a Decepticon!” they used to say. I was in a pit of despair.  Who could I tell about my feelings that would sympathize with me.  On Cybertron we only have two genders.  Then I came to your United States. I saw how you have at least five genders, sometimes more.  I realize now that gender identity is a fluid thing, a bourgeois construct.  God bless the USA!

Optimus also announced that for the past year he has been taking female Autobot hormones to ease the transition process and will soon begin making public appearances as a fully functioning female Autobot.

When I announced this to the other Autobots they were incredulous and accused me of “going native.”  They won’t even talk to me anymore.This has been very hard for me. But it’s what I must do.  It’s how I feel and it’s what I now identify as. Ironically the one who’s been the most supportive of me in my struggle to transition has been Megatron.  He sent me an email congratulating me and said I was a hero.  I don’t know whether I’m a hero or not.  I’m just a simple, humble Autobot with strong moral character, excellent leadership and decision-making skills who is also a brilliant military tactician.I just happen to want to be a female.

While he may have been rejected by his fellow Autobots, Optimus Prime has received nothing but support from those who know him on Earth.  Glamour Magazine has named Optimus the “Autobot of the Year” beating out Joe Biden and Nicholas Cage.

Cynthia Leive, the editor of Glamour Magazine said that Optimus’ struggle for acceptance “humanizes the Autobots.

When the Autobots first appeared on Earth many of us thought they were scary and nothing but fancy cars about to be stolen by Vin Diesel. But Optimus has shown us that there is more to Autobots than that. They have feelings. And these feelings must be protected in safe spaces.  Inclusive, non-judgmental, gender-fluid safe spaces. We applaud Optimus. We think she is a role model for others, human and Autobot and I can’t wait to see what gown she will wear at the ESPY Awards.

The next step in Optimus’ transition is choosing  a female  name to go with his new gender identity.

I was going to call myself Caitlyn. I like that name.  It’s young and serviceable. Just like me. But I didn’t want to step on Bruce’s feelings. So I’ve decided to call myself “Kristen” after Kristen Stewart. I’ve always identified with her.  I like vampires and sparkling things.

With Optimus focusing on transitioning Bumblebee has been named the new leader of the Autobots.

“The least likely can be the most dangerous” said Bumblebee when accepting his new role.


2 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    Meanwhile his maleness reared its ugly head when he announced that W-2 remains his/her friction modifier of choice.

  2. LSP says:

    I for one look forward to Kristen Prime’s tenure as Episcopal Bishop of New York.

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