It must have been a blood transfusion!

Ending weeks of tabloid speculation, Charlie Sheen announced he has contracted HIV.

“It’s true” Sheen told Matt Lauer during a sit-down on the Today Show.

I have to put a stop to this onslaught, this barrage of attacks and harmful stories about me threatening the health of so many others.  I’ve known I’ve been HIV for about four years.  It started with some cluster headaches and the porn star who was servicing me said that perhaps I should get checked out by a doctor. It was then that I was informed of my diagnosis.

When asked how he could have contracted the virus, Sheen responded that it must have been from a blood transfusion.

There’s been a lot of speculation out there that I could have contracted this from leading a risky lifestyle and having unprotected sex with multiple, okay 5000 partners over the years.  I always have lived my life with honesty and condoms. But mostly honesty. And hookers.  And porn stars. And strangers. Strangers that sold me cocaine. So much cocaine that I had to shove tubes up my nose to snort it all. So as you can see I don’t think I contracted HIV from my lifestyle. It must have been from a blood transfusion.

Sheen went on to discuss the specific incident that he believes was responsible for his contracting HIV.

I had decided to donate blood because that’s just the type of person I am. I’m a giving person. And I gave it to 5000 partners. But while I was giving blood I asked the doctor if this was a new needle. He said no. I think he said no.  I was too busy servicing the 30 prostitutes I always bring with me.  Now I trusted these prostitutes. I trusted them almost as much as the porn stars I always travel with. But anyway as I was saying the doctor, whom I trusted almost as much as the prostitutes and porn stars I always have around me, was using a dirty needle. That can be the only explanation for my HIV status.

Sheen then talked in more detail about the blood transfusion that gave him HIV.

As I said, I’m a loving, giving person.  And during my transfusion I noticed that my good pal Lindsey Lohan was there. So I called her over and we snorted some coke together, as good friends do. Then we shared a porn star.  As good friends do. It was while she was doing me with a strapon as I was servicing a porn star that I noticed the the LSU Tigers were also donating blood.  As you know I am a huge college football fan so I invited them over.  And we all shared Lindsey Lohan. Just to break the ice. Well it was while we were breaking the ice, and my anus, that I noticed this guy in the corner looking sad.  I invited him over because that’s just the type of guy I am.  He said his name was Biff and he was from Indiana, was new in town and had no friends.  So I invited him to share Lindsey Lohan and the prostitutes and porn stars. He declined the LSU Tigers. Turns out he’s a big Boilermakers fan.

Sheen then concluded his interview by asking his many fans to practice safe sex and always use clean needles.

Please, please I beg my fans. If you must have sex with prostitutes, porn stars, the LSU Tigers and some guy named Biff use protection. And don’t do too much cocaine because you might forget about the protection.

Biff from Indiana could not be reached for comment.

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