But I’m killing all the enemies of the Queen!

James Bond, Commander in the Royal Navy currently working for MI6 has received a negative performance evaluation from MI6’s Human Resources division, threatening to end his once promising career.

“No one was more surprised than I was” said Bond after the evaluation.

This came out of nowhere.  Though in retrospect I should have suspected something when  M brought me into his office for my evaluation and an HR representative was there. He handed me a sheet and said “You have to sign this. There have been complaints.”

In keeping with the government’s new “gentler” tone, all MI6 agents have been advised to continue to kill the Queen’s enemies whenever possible, but to do it in a way that will not offend anyone’s feelings.

“I told Mr. Bond that while no one was questioning his patriotism or his devotion to duty that times had changed and he risked angering our enemies” said the HR representative who attended the meeting.

I then handed him a list of incidents that have happened in the past year that we believe reflect poorly on MI6.  Specifically on one occasion he threw an enemy agent off a roof after the agent had confessed. Mr. Bond was informed that such actions reveal deep-seated anger and that the Russians and Chinese have mentioned him and told us that they found his actions personally hurtful. I told him that the Russians and the Chinese were fellow professionals and that we didn’t want to offend them if at all possible.

It was at this point that Bond called the HR rep a “piece of shit.”

It’s bad enough I’m only making a civil servant’s salary while putting my life on the line for the queen but then to have some pencil pusher talk to me about my tone? Well tone this! It’s a dangerous world out there. People want to harm our country. They are called enemies. That’s right.  Enemies! And to pretend otherwise is ridiculous.

After Bond’s outburst HR again reminded him that his tone needed to be worked on.  Bond was then asked what he had done in the past year project-wise around the office.

Every agent is asked to do something whether it’s be in charge of loaner MI6 laptops or organize inventory. Bond apparently did nothing.  The records show that he was out in the field for 321 days the past calendar year.   I informed Bond that he has to take his responsibilities seriously.  We in HR depend on performance evaluations and projects around the office when determining whether to grant raises.

Bond became further agitated when the subject of his potential raise was brought up.

Do you know how many of the Queen’s enemies I have killed this year?  For god’s sake what more do I have to do to get a positive evaluation?

Bond was then informed that Great Britain depends on the United Nations to keep them safe and that MI6’s role will be transitioning into climate change prevention.

“I asked Bond if he had any objections to going to China and speaking out against the use of coal” said the HR representative.

He just started laughing. I mean really laughing. Then he threw up his hand and said “I f*cking give up.  I give up!”  I then asked him if he had any projects in mind. He said no so I gave him one. Bond is now in charge of signing in and out the loaner field laptops. It’ll be good for him and teach him responsibility.

As the meeting ended an apologetic M told Bond that he too was under HR’s microscope and that they had to watch what they said and hope for a change in management.

Bond then sat at Moneypenny’s former desk (Moneypenny being promoted to Senior Administrative Assistant and given her own office) and got to work writing down serial numbers of laptops.

“I can’t get fired. I have to pay my rent. This f*cking sucks! Oh I’m sorry.  Was my tone not friendly enough?”

Bond has been given three months to improve his tone or face possible termination.

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