NFL Institutes Strict New “Three Felonies You’re Out!” Policy

We at the NFL are serious about misconduct.  No, really.

We at the NFL are serious about misconduct. No, really.

With the release of pictures of the physical bruising to Greg Hardy’s ex-girlfriend, an embarrassed NFL has decided to institute, effective immediately, a strict personal conduct policy.

“While the majority, okay, a sizable minority, okay, a minuscule minority of our players are law abiding we can no longer stand by and pretend that a few, okay, a lot, okay, most NFL players don’t commit heinous crimes” said Commissioner Roger Goodell.

I was horrified by the pictures of Hardy’s ex-girlfriend just as I was horrified by the photos of the chick who got clocked in the elevator last year.  Because of my horrification, yeah that’s a word, look it up bitches, because of my horrification at events like this by the power invested in me as NFL commissioner I am instituting a strict new personal conduct policy.  This policy is the toughest in professional sports, even tougher than Curling. This new policy is strict, yet compassionate.  Strict in that players that violate it risk a lifetime ban. Compassionate in that the policy will only take effect after three felonies. You see I’m also a realist. The majority of our players are African Americans and being weak and helpless victims of the white man they carry around lots of rage.  As such they will have two changes to reform. But after your third felony you’re out. No negotiations. Lifetime ban and by lifetime ban I mean you could get a job on one of the NFL pregame shows but you won’t be able to play anymore.

Reaction to the draconian, but compassionate, policy was swift.

Gloria Steinem praised the new policy while regretting that it doesn’t go far enough.

“Football is three hours of rape every Sunday” she said.

While I applaud Goodell’s trying to do something about the rape and murder epidemic in the NFL I fear this is only a half measure. What would make me happy is to see not only the NFL but all competitive sports banned. Or at the very least have them wear pink when they play as a reminder that breast cancer was invented by men.

Many NFL players have come out against the new policy which they feel will dampen their effectiveness on the gridiron.

“Football is a violent sport” said a five-year veteran who wishes to remain anonymous.

I use that violence in my favor. Sometimes its hard to turn it off, like the time I raped and murdered the Chinese boy who delivered my takeout. Or the time I raped and murdered the pizza delivery boy. Or the time I raped and murdered, well, I don’t know who it was but I raped and murdered them. Look all I’m saying is cut us some slack.  We’re like people who’ve been in war. Being shot at behind enemy lines and being faced with a 3rd and 25 and and all out blitz is the same thing. That’s all I’m saying. Now no more questions or I’ll rape and murder you bitch.

From his prison cell, former NFL superstar OJ Simpson criticized the new rules.

“Man there would be no way I’d be able to play in the NFL today.  These rules are too strict.”


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