Would you like a reverse mortgage?

Things have become tense in Heaven recently after the arrival of former senator and actor Fred Thompson.

“I’ve lived here for awhile” said St. Francis.

It’s a sleepy town.  A lot like Mayberry but with even fewer blacks. Not much happens.  Most of us just bathe in the light of eternal love.  But then Fred showed up.  I was sitting on my front porch and he introduces himself. “Hi. Nice home you have here. You know if you’re like a lot of folks out there lately then finances might be a little tight.”  Good lord, a salesman I said to myself.  I thought they all went to the other place? I finally had to tell him I had a meeting with God and I left.  I can’t even hang out on my porch anymore!

St.  John Paul II tells a similar story.

I haven’t been here that long but I know a carnival barker when I see one. I was walking down the street when he approaches me and starts into his spiel about government-backed mortgages. I lived under communism so I know all about government-backed shit.  “Hi John Paul” he said.  “If your 62 or dead or older and own your own home then join other residents of heaven who have used a reverse mortgage as a safe, effective financial tool. Stay in your home and turn your equity into tax-free cash.”  Safe and effective financial tool my ass!  I didn’t want to hear anymore so I made an excuse about being late for my bowling league and got on the first bus I saw.

Mother Theresa was in her driveway washing her car when she was approached by the former Senator.

“You ought to call my friends at AAG.  They can help you right now. And to find out more is absolutely free. Call 1-800-848-7173 now to receive your free DVD and brochure with no obligation. Find out how much cash you may qualify for. AAG. The best advice for a better after-life.”  I turned the hose on him and threatened to knee him in the groin. He finally left.

The ruckus in Heaven became so bad that God had to get involved.

“Normally I like to stay out of things and let events take their course” he said.

I guess you could say I am more of a Deist. But everyone kept coming up to me and bitching about the guy that I had to do something.  Heaven is a co-op technically so I’ll have to check the by-laws.  There’s got to be something in there about banning solicitation. I don’t know.  I blame myself. Maybe I pulled him out of Purgatory too quickly.

With residents up in arms God had a private sit down with Thompson.

I put the fear of me into him.  I told him to shut up about the reverse mortgages or I’ll send him to a place that’s hot and filled with criminals.  He assumed I meant Florida and promised to behave himself.

Thompson has been placed on probation and his behavior and performance in Heaven will be monitored by authorities.

“I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong.  I just want to help people” he said.

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