Mr. Peanut Mugged, Sodomized!

Mr. Peanut is currently recovering in a hospital and thanks his  fans for their support

Mr. Peanut is recovering in a hospital and thanks his fans for their support

In a shocking turn of events advertising mascot Mr. Peanut was attacked and violated over the weekend.

Around 10 pm on Saturday night Mr. Peanut, dressed in his trademark top hat, monocle and cane visited a popular gay bar and ordered a few drinks.

Around midnight he was seen talking to a group dressed as bikers. The group left together. What happened next is still in dispute but Mr. Peanut was discovered by a jogger early Sunday morning bound, gagged and suffering from multiple bruises.

“At first I thought someone had dropped some snacks. But as I got closer I realized it was a living peanut” said the jogger.

An ambulance was called and a disoriented Mr. Peanut was taken to a local hospital.

“It appears Mr. Peanut was the victim of his lust” said the detective in charge of the case.

He visited a well-known gay bar in search of boys in leather. He found some boys and invited them back to his place. Once they left together and entered Mr. Peanut’s car a dispute erupted over fees to be paid to Mr. Peanut’s new companions. Mr.Peanut was surprised to find that they wanted money for any sexual acts that might have been performed. When Mr. Peanut refused to pay they overpowered him, drove to a deserted location, stripped him of his monocle, top hat and cane and took his wallet. He was then beaten unconscious.

Planters Peanut Company, the employers of Mr. Peanut have released the following statement:

Planters has had a long association with Mr. Peanut and we are thoughts and prayers are with him in this difficult time.  We wish him a speedy recovery and look forward to working with him in the future. However until all the facts are in we are suspending Mr.Peanut from any further peanut-related duties.

Now out of a job Mr. Peanut is trying to salvage his reputation.  From his hospital bed Mr. Peanut denied the allegations against him.

I had gone out for a few drinks and met some local boys.  I like meeting young boys and helping them if they are financially disadvantaged. All I wanted to do was bring these young victims of poverty back to my place and give them hope. I am not a homosexual. I did not ask them for sexual favors. I have no idea why they turned on me.  Perhaps they are victims of cruel poverty. I feel sorry for these young men. I do not want to press charges. I’d like to see these young men again, perhaps at my place or a hotel, where we can discuss further how to release them from the grips of poverty.

A doctor treating Mr. Peanut says he will remain in the hospital for about a week.

His um, backside, was pretty badly pulverized in the attack. It’s like nothing I’ve ever seen before. I’m going to write a paper on it. But anyway we had to give him anti-inflammatories and its going to take a couple days for the treatments to take effect.


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Planters Peanut Company formally severed relations with Mr. Peanut and announced that they have hired Neil Patrick Harris as their new spokesman.


2 Responses

  1. LSP says:

    But, but wasn’t it a hate crime? Boycott Planters!

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