I like to get high!

Casper the Friendly Ghost announced today that he is entering rehab for “substance abuse and assorted emotional issues.”

“I have let down my friends, both living and dead” said Casper.

While the public knows Casper as a a personable ghost who loved children and tried be friends with all, sources report that behind the scenes Casper was a deeply unhappy ghost.

“Casper was frustrated at his ectoplasmic situation” said a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.

Everyone thinks being a ghost is so much fun.  You get to go move between walls and float around. Cheap parlor tricks really.  You can get the same effect by doing acid. Caspar was bored.  He wanted more. He wanted to connect with people.  He was Casper the Friendly Ghost not Casper the Aloof Ghost after all.

But no matter how friendly Casper got, he always got into trouble with humans.

The alive are very prejudiced against the dead. They fear us and don’t want us living around them. They want to segregate us into cemeteries. Casper wasn’t having any of that shit. He’d walk right into the places the living hung out at and demanded to be treated as an equal.  That’s when the living starting calling him an uppity ghost.

Deeply hurt by his rejection by the living community, Casper turned to alcohol to ease the pain.

“Yeah he was a regular in my bar” said a local tavern owner.

He’d come in and sit by the jukebox and put some songs on. He would always play “Don’t worry Kyoko Mummy’s Only Looking for her Hand in the Snow.”  He loved that tune. Look I don’t care what type of music a ghost likes. I don’t even mind his kind in my bar as long as they know their place and are respectful of the living. But Yoko? The other customers would leave and go across the street to the Red Sox bar. I got a business to run!

Lonely and in the throes of his addictions Casper sought out physical companionship anywhere he could find it only to be rejected for his lack of genitalia.

“I know he was self-conscious about that” said one of his few living friends.

One time late at night he appeared hovering at the edge of my bed. I could tell he’d been drinking. He kept pointing to his midsection and saying “I got nuttin’!’ Nuttin’ down there!  I can’t even rub up against anything. I’m neutered!” And that’s when he vomited all over my bed.  Let me tell you if you thought living vomit was disgusting try cleaning up dead vomit. I had to throw those sheets out and fumigate the room.

It wasn’t until Casper hit rock bottom and was arrested for trying to hump a lamp post that he realized how low he had sunk and decided to enter rehab.

“I have let down my family.  I have let down the children who look up to me. I ask for privacy in this difficult time as I deal with my addiction”  he said in a statement on his Facebook page.

Casper is expected to be in rehab 30 to 60 days.

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