Subway Hires New Spokesman: Bill Cosby!

Eat fresh!  But without children!

Eat fresh! But without children!

With sales plummeting in lieu of the Jared Fogle scandal and in an attempt to revitalize their brand, the Subway restaurant chain announced today that its new spokesman will be veteran actor and comedian Bill Cosby.

“We had to hire someone” said Subway CEO Fred DeLuca.

I mean seriously. We had to hire someone.  Our brand is pretty toxic right now and no one wanted to be the face of our product. We put feelers out to everyone in Hollywood.  Mel Gibson said no. Ariana Grande said she would take the job if she could lick our subs.  We even tried to hire Roman Polanski. He’s very respected in Hollywood. But then someone told us he likes pre-teen girls. And well, after Jared we didn’t think that would be a good idea.

With that DeLuca’s voiced trailed off in silence as he drank from a bottle of whiskey.

I don’t have to tell you that the past few months have been tough for those of us associated with Subway. I mean who knew a fat guy who likes footlongs  would be a pedophile.  I never saw that one coming.

DeLuca, who admits to rarely sleeping anymore, wiped away the sweat from his brow, the heavy bags under his eyes accentuated by the TV lights.

I was worried that we might not be able to find anyone. But then Bill Cosby approached us and asked if he could be the spokesman. The more I thought about it the more it made sense. He has a wonderful record as a celebrity spokesman.

When asked by a reporter if the recent scandals surrounding Cosby made him the right choice, DeLuca seemed stunned.

Scandal? Scandal? What scandal?  Please. Don’t say that. I’ve just started eating again. There’s a scandal involving Cosby?  Please say it has nothing to do with sex.

DeLuca was then informed of the myriad of rape allegations against Cosby.

“Do any of them involve minors?” he asked.

When told that none of them, so far, did, DeLuca broke down in tears.

Oh thank god.  This is the first good news I’ve gotten in months. So no sex with minors? Yes!  Finally!  I knew I’d find the one person in Hollywood who enjoys sex with adults.

After regaining his composure, DeLuca thanked Cosby for agreeing to be Subway’s spokesman and talked about how he came to hire him.

He asked me to come to his house and we sat down over dinner and drinks.  “Mr. Cosby” I said to him, “Subway is hurting and needs your help. Will you be our spokesman?” I don’t remember what happened after that but I woke up the next morning in his bed. I guess I must have gotten ill.  It was nice of him to take care of me. And that act of kindness is why Bill Cosby will be our next celebrity salesman!

When reporters told DeLuca that he was probably drugged and raped by Cosby he took another drink from the ever present bottle of whiskey in his hand before shouting “Ah, fuck it.” and smashing the bottle on the podium.

He then threw a chair out the window and jumped out. Unfortunately DeLuca’s suicide attempt was thwarted by the fact that the press conference was on the ground floor and he only succeeded in tripping over a rose bush and breaking an ankle.

“Fuck it. Fuck it.  I can’t even kill myself!” reporters heard him screaming as the ambulance arrived.

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2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    The strategy of featuring white and black Americans as workers in its TV commercials while in real life the Pakistani store owners wives are making pork free subs in its stores is brilliant. What’s next Hillary and Cosby munching on fat free subs wearing hairnets?

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