Caitlyn does the walk of shame after being fired

Former Olympian and self-identified female Caitlyn Jenner has been fired from her job as a phone sex operator after just one customer.

“I don’t have to tell you that the years of hormone therapy were pretty expensive” said Caitlyn.

I had to do something to pay the bills.  NBC was only paying me scale to talk to Matt Lauer. I think he likes me by the way. And my reality show has lower ratings than Lena Dunham. A friend suggested phone sex. Well, Skype sex actually. So I decided to give it a try.  I’m pretty sexy for a former man pushing 70 if I do say so myself.

Once Caitlyn took a training course on Skype she was ready for customers.

I was a little nervous at first but I’ve performed in front of strangers before. Back when I self-identified as a male I won the Olympic Decathlon. Of course that was in Canada so it doesn’t really count. I think I did pretty well. I don’t care what anyone says.  My supervisor was a dick so he fired me out of spite. I’m suing. I was oppressed by them so I’m suing.

Anticipating Caitlyn’s lawsuit, the Skype sex hotline she was briefly employed by has preemptively released the video of her Skype session in hopes of discouraging Caitlyn from suing. As a service to my readers I now present the transcript of that video.

CJ: Hi honey my name is [reading card] Amber.  What do you want me to do for you sexy?

Customer: Um.  Hi.  I um –

CJ: What’s wrong sexy? Don’t you like me?

Customer: I guess.  I just thought I’d get someone younger.

CJ: Well I’m all self-identified woman ready to rock your world.

Customer: Um. Okay.  I guess then let me see your legs.

CJ: [Lifting up skirt] Do you like what you see?

Customer: I suppose.  Not bad.

CJ: They’re very smooth and sexy.  I like feeling smooth and sexy.  You know back when I was a man my legs were very hairy.

Customer: What?  You used to be a man? I don’t know about this.  I should hang up.

CJ: Come on honey. Don’t let that bother you.  I have everything you need.

Customer: Okay. Let me see your pussy.

CJ: Oh I don’t have one yet.  I still have a penis.

Customer: This is the worst Skype sex I’ve ever had.

CJ: I want to have a vagina.  That’s why I’m doing this.  To save up money to get one. It’s an interesting process. They slice my penis down the middle and fold it back in upon itself, creating an artificial vagina. I may have to use artificial lubricants at first but –

Customer: Oh man that’s gross. You’re making me lose my erection.

CJ: Sometimes when I wake up I have an erection and I look at it and say , “Do I really want to have this sliced down the middle and folded back upon itself?”

Customer: I’m going to be sick [vomiting noises heard on tape]

CJ: You’re throwing up. I’ve heard about men who have that fetish.  They can only become sexually aroused when vomiting. Is that what it is?

Customer: No man I’m throwing up because you’re grossing me out. Goodbye. I’m never calling this Skype sex hotline again!

CJ: Hello? Oh he left.  Was it something I said?

It was shortly after this that Caitlyn was brought into her supervisor’s office and given her termination papers. Caitlyn vows to fight even if it means going to the Supreme Court.

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