F*ck you!

Do you know what I love most about living in America?  Hookers.  Nothing says “I live in a free society” quite like paying a woman for sex. While on a meth binge.  After murdering someone. What? You mean people can read this?

Anyway on to part ten (that’s X in Latin) of my series “2017 Inaugural addresses.”  Today it is John Kasich’s turn. And John has a lot to say to America.

My fellow Americans.  At least the ones who voted for me. You know who you are. The one’s who voted for Jeb Bush in the primaries.  F*ck all of you.  I’m sick of people disparaging my record.  You don’t know what you are talking about. Do you know what God wants?  I do. He wants me to expand medicaid.  I’m a compassionate conservative dammit. And f*ck all of you for disagreeing with me.

People say I am nasty and have a hot temper. Well you’d have a hot temper too if the ungrateful Republicans didn’t realize all you have done for the party.  And stop talking about my wanting to increase medicaid.  It’s for the poor.  Hey you!  Yeah you lady.  You in the front row.  I don’t know about you, lady, but when I get to the pearly gates, I’m going to have an answer for what I’ve done for the poor.  You hear that.  Government spending helps the poor. All true mainstream Republicans know this.

Look I don’t care what you yokels think. God talks to me. He does. And he told me to this.  Expanding medicaid was the only morally right thing to do.

So all you naysayers can shut the f*ck up.  I’m John f*cking Kasich and I know what’s best.  I’m President dammit!

You don’t want to mess with me.  You don’t want to mess with the Kasich, baby! Don’t mess with the Kasich!

Yeah, I’m talking to you, American yokels.  Do you know what I do when I’m not governor of Ohio?  I’m a Mexican wrestler.  My name is Comando Feo! And anyone who disagrees with me I’m going to Mexican wrestle them into a headlock and rip their f*cking head off!  Don’t believe me?  Take a look at this picture of me.

Governor Kasich in costume

Yea, that’s me you yokel American motherf*ckers!

I answer to God, not to Americans so lay off the criticism of me.

No I’m not thin-skinned.

Anyone who says I’m thin-skinned and unfit for the office of President I’ll fight right now.  I don’t care.  I’ll motherf*cking fight you right here.

You don’t believe me?  Alright wait until I put my mask on.  

[Puts mask on]

Now I’m taking you on.  

You.  Yeah, you old lady.  You look like you think I’m hot headed.  Well let’s see what you think about me now.  I’m Kasich baby! Kasich!

[President Kasich jumps into the stunned inaugural crowd and grabs an 80-year old woman and puts her in a headlock]

I’m ripping your motherf*cking head off.  I’m Kasich and I can do it!

It was at this point that the networks stopped covering the inauguration and switched back to regular programming.

“Look if I wanted to see a maniac kill an old lady I’d watch Dexter” said a network executive.

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