I’m going to give you everything you want

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™, the most trusted name in fake news, I have the honor of interviewing Mr. Humpty Dumpty, perhaps the best-known anthropomorphic egg in the English speaking world.

MI: Good day Mr. Dumpty.

HD: Good day to you, Mr. Infidel.  It’s a pleasure to be here.

MI: Let’s begin with what everyone wants to know.  Why were you sitting on a wall, how high was the wall and were you badly hurt when you fell.  The news reports make it sound like you were grievously injured and that you cracked in two. 

HD: That’s just like the press.  Spreading lies about me. First off it wasn’t a wall. I was on the fence.

MI:Why were you on a fence?

HD: I’m a politician. Straddling the fence is what I do best.

MI: Touché. So tell me about your future plans for office?

HD: Well as you know I am running for the Republican nomination for President in 2016.

MI:  Why?

HD: As a Republican from the northeast I am trusted by the establishment, my name is well-known and I have a reputation for working with Democrats.  These are all things our country needs.

MI: By working well with Democrats you mean what exactly?

HD: I give them everything they want.

MI: I see.

HD: It’s part of the sacred social contract of society.  We Republicans give Democrats what they want and they in turn say nice things about us and invite us to their parties. Have you met George Clooney?

MI: No.

HD: I have.

MI: But what about the anger among Republicans on the ground?  Instead of giving Democrats what they want shouldn’t you be fighting to reduce the debt, secure our borders and lesson the power of our Federal government which many believe is out of control?

[Pause]

HD: Oh my god. You’re one of them?  You’re a teabagging extremist!

MI: And what of it?  I believe in our Constitution. I believe in limited government.  I believe the debt is destroying our nation.  

HD: Yeah well I won’t stand here and listen to you besmirch the integrity of my Democratic colleagues!  You radicals do not know how to govern. It’s all about the mainstream. It’s all about consensus. Reaching across the aisle. And giving the other party what they want.

MI: I can’t vote for you.  You’re a RINO.

HD: However I do promise to close our borders, reduce the debt and rein in the power of our Federal government.

MI: I’m confused.  Didn’t you just say – 

HD: Straddling the fence baby.  Straddling the fence.

MI: Oh.

HD: And once I get the nomination I’ll move to the center and give the Democrats what they want.

MI: That figures.

HD: I believe Hillary Clinton will be a great President.

MI: I give up.

HD: Vote for me.  I am a teabagger. I am no RINO. I don’t represent the establishment.  Until I do.

MI: Well that’s about all.  Thank you for meeting with me.

HD: My pleasure. Hey, I have to go to a party with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. Would you like to tag along?

MI: I’ll pass.

And so ended my interview with Humpty Dumpty.  You know, I think it’s time we dumped the useless Republican party and started a new one.

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