No watermelon! No swings! No fields!

In wake of the tragic shootings of journalist Allison Parker and her cameraman Adam Ward by Bryce Williams, who was enraged after years of systematic racism by the white man, we at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ have asked ourselves what we can do to ensure that this doesn’t happen again.

Specifically it has come to light that a watermelon was used to taunt Williams and that so-called colleagues regularly used explosive phrases like “out in the field” and “swing on by.” 

With this in mind here is a partial list of what we would like to ban:

• Watermelons
• Fields
• Swings
• Texas
• Virginia
• South Carolina
• North Carolina
• Prepositional phrases
• The letter “W”
• Oh hell, the entire alphabet
• The Designated hitter
• Any blog more popular than mine
• Any blog, really.
• Any woman who won’t have sex with me.
• Any woman, really.
• Children’s television
• Children
• White racists
• White people
• Non alcoholic beer
• I mean seriously. Non alcoholic?  WTF?
• Season six of Dallas
• Seasons 1-10 of CSI: Miami
• David Caruso
• Arteries
• Veins
• California
• The Pacific Ocean
• The Laws of Physics (which are racist since they are devised by the white man)
• Corbin Bernsen
• Bow ties
• Bow tie pasta
• Time
• Space
• Lost in Space (especially season two)
• Land masses greater than two square miles
• Roger Rabbit
• Van Halen post David Lee Roth
• Sammy Hagar
• Saliva
• Kansas City, Missouri
• Kansas City, Kansas
• Duck season
• Rabbit season
• DUCK SEASON!
• RABBIT SEASON!
• I say it’s duck season and I say shoot!
• The year 1837
• Nat King Cole
• Light houses
• Oxygen
• Dick Vitale
• Nasty brutish guns
• Testosterone
• The Dewey decimal system
• Thomas Dewey
• Thomas the Tank Engine
• The Sun

And so readers, only and only if every item on this list is banned will we see peace in our time. And if you disagree with me you are racist. And get that watermelon out of my sight!

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