Unidentified Male Goes Through Toll Booth Without Paying; Contessa Brewer Hopes It’s Not a Muslim; Mayor Bloomberg Appeals for Calm

Contessa Brewer worries that a Muslim may be responsibleAn as of yet unidentified male sped through the toll booth on the Triborough Bridge today causing panic as the bridge was shut down to investigate the possible terror incident.

“I was working my shift when just after 2 PM a sports sedan, I think it was a Saab, came speeding through the booth” said a toll booth operator.”He didn’t even try to slow down. I yelled at him but I didn’t get a good look at him.”

The Triborough, a major hub connecting Manhattan, Queens and The Bronx was shut down as police looked for clues.  As police and media helicopters hovered overhead television programs were interrupted.

“We interrupt our Tiger Woods special which preempted our Levi Johnston interview which interrupted our normal programming to bring you this special report:  New York’s Triborough Bridge victim of apparent terrorist attack!” intoned MSNBC’s Contessa Brewer.

MSNBC: The facts are these:  Just after 2 PM a Saab sports sedan, though there are conflicting claims that it was a gas guzzling SUV, sped through the tool booth killing the attendant. I have on the line an employee at the Triborough.  Sir, can you tell us what happened?

Employee:  This Saab sped right through without paying the toll.

MSNBC: Is that before or after he opened fire and killed your colleague?

Employee: He didn’t have a gun.  There were no shots fired.

MSNBC:  What about the bomb?  Can you tell us about the explosive device?

Employee:  I don’t know anything about an explosive device.  The guy went through the toll booth that’s all.

MSNBC:  Are you sure it was a Saab?  Are you sure it wasn’t a gas guzzling SUV?  Did it look like it was polluting the environment?  Did it have an Alaska license plate number?  Was Sara Palin driving it?

Employee:  I….I….I don’t know the answer to any of this.  It was just a car that drove through a toll booth.

MSNBC:  We thank you for your time.  If you’re just joining us there has been an attempted terrorist bombing at the Triborough Bridge.  Here are the facts: At 2 PM an SUV pulled up to the toll booth, the driver then shot the attendant and set off an explosive device before getting away.  At this point I don’t want to speculate but I just hope the perpetrator wasn’t a Muslim.  Because this is America and if it was a Muslim you know certain elements will use this as an excuse for hatred and oppression against people of other colors.  They will say “Brown people don’t pay tolls.”  I just hope the person responsible for this outrage was a white man.  Joining us now is Mayor Bloomberg.  Mayor what can you tell us?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Good afternoon Contessa.  I don’t want to speculate until the facts are in but I think it was someone with a political agenda.  Perhaps he was angry about healthcare.  Perhaps he was high on excess sodium.

MSNBC:  But he was definitely white?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is what the FBI profilers are telling me.

MSNBC:  Oh thank God for that.  One more thing Mayor.  And I want to stress that until the facts are in we don’t want to speculate but do you remember that scene in Close Encounters where the aliens go through the toll booth?

Mayor Bloomberg:  Yes I do.

MSNBC:  Could it have been aliens? Aliens with a political agenda? Angry aliens?  Could they have been angry teabagging aliens with a political agenda?

Mayor Bloomberg:  That is a distinct possibility.  Contessa let me just say that New York is a tolerant inclusive society and we welcome everyone.  If it was aliens I would ask all  New Yorkers to remain calm and not prejudge those from other worlds.

MSNBC:  Thank you Mayor Bloomberg.  We’ll be right back after this with continuing coverage of the terrorist alien teabagging incident on the Triborough.  Theme song sung by Justin Bieber.  And as a reminder, tonight on Lockup racist angry white teabagging prisoners with a political agenda beat up brown people.


8 Responses

  1. KingShamus says:

    Contessa Brewer makes Julie Huddy look like an astrophysicist.

  2. I’m just curious now, and it’s been a few years since I was in the city of … um … syphilis … but … last time I checked, you have only have to pay to get in to NYC when driving but get out scott free. Is that still the case, or could this unidentified male is obviously sleeping with Contessa Brewer on to a scam that I am unawares of?

  3. Obviously a Muslim extremist wrote the previous comment and had nothing to do with 4 martinis and an uncanny inability to recognize anything on his keyboard.

  4. Manhattan Infidel says:

    KS: True, so true

    Snarky: it might be a scam.

  5. Matt says:

    Well, they were driving a Saab. That makes it suspicious to begin with.

  6. Mark says:

    When will we learn? We need a national ban on Saab’s.

  7. Manhattan Infidel says:

    First things first. Let’s get a national ban on the Prius.

  8. Matt says:

    That’s easy. Train squirrels to step out in front of them. The Prius will lose every time.

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