BP Engineers Place Containment Dome Over Whoopi Goldberg

British Petroleum - containing the Whoopie Goldberg environmental damageFresh off the environmental catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico, engineers from British Petroleum are working on a new crisis:  the attempt to place a containment dome over Whoopi Goldberg.

After a series of controversial statements on ABC’s The View including her comment that Michael Vick should not be punished because “dog fighting is part of black culture” and Roman Polanski’s forced anal penetration of a 13 year old girl was not “rape-rape”, officials at the Environmental Protection Agency have asked BP to step in and end the crisis.

“We’ve been getting reports of pit bulls and 13 year old girls washing up on the Eastern Seaboard.  It’s getting to the point that the homeless are having trouble finding syringes and other medical waste” said EPA Administrator Lisa Jackson.

Officials from BP warn that nothing on this scale has been tried before.  Indeed, their first try at “capping” Ms. Goldberg met with failure when the dome would not fit over her mouth.

“We haven’t tried to cap such a degree of  Hollywood assholeness since Cameron Diaz went on Oprah Winfrey in 2004 and said that a vote for George Bush would be a vote for legalizing rape” said a spokesman for BP.

In that example a smaller “top hat” was placed over Ms. Diaz.  Unfortunately she wore the top hat courtside at a Lakers game and Kobe Bryant slept with it, damaging it to the point where it had to be abandoned.

Preliminary reports say that a second attempt to lower the containment dome onto Goldberg has been successful.

“Right now we are pumping her vocal sludge to a ship in New York Harbor.”

BP is quick to remind people that this is only a temporary solution.

“The ship can only hold three million gallons.  Eventually Goldberg will have to be encased totally in cement and dumped into a desolate area where damage to the environment will be minimal.

At the moment BP executives are looking at two possible areas as final resting places for Goldberg:  The City of Poughkeepsie, New York or any movie theater showing a Chevy Chase film retrospective.

BP executives are also quick to point out that their resources are not unlimited.

“Even if we successfully cap Goldberg, who is going to cap Joy Behar? We will need Government intervention for such an unfathomably large job.”


2 Responses

  1. Mark says:

    NIMBY!!! Drop her in Newburgh. Crack whores love toxic waste.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    I don’t want to hurt the crack whores. Let’s compromise and drop Whoopi in Highland.

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