“A baseball game is simply a nervous breakdown divided into nine innings” ~ Earl Wilson

Superman has General Zod.  Batman has the Joker.  My stomach has dairy products. Ying and Yang.  For every force of good there is an equal and opposite force of evil.  Today, evil in the guise of the Boston Red Sawks came to The Bronx.  And what does Boston do?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

The Yankees (24-13) and in second place in the AL East started at two game set against the 19-19 Bahstahn Red Sawks. Or as it is referred to here in New York:  Life or Death.  As it is referred to by the rest of America not in the  I-95 corridor:  The biggest payroll against the second biggest payroll.

The Yankees started Phil Hughes, wisely skipping over the incredible shrinking Javier Vasquez.   The Red Sawks started Daisuke Matsuzaka, who may have wanted to commit ritual hari kari after the Yankees jumped off the board first scoring five runs in the bottom of the first.  When Teixeira doubled in Brett Gardner in the bottom of the second the Yankees had a 6 -1 lead.  I thought the game would be a laugher.  I also felt a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Ben Affleck was trying to get Jennifer Garner to put on a JLo mask.  “Come on honey,  It’s just role play.”  I can’t say I blame Ben.  Once you’ve had JLo’s posterior you never go back.  No….must…not…think…of….her….butt.

Unfortunately it was not a laugher.  Matsuzaka settled down after Red Sawks manager Terry Francona threatened to turn Matsuzaka’s home town into a smoldering radioactive ruin that would make Hiroshima look like child’s play.  Phil Hughes struggled all night and left after five innings, giving up home runs to J.D. Drew and David “Not that I’ve abused steroids, but my testicles just retracted again” Ortiz.  6-5 Yankees after five.  The Yankee bullpen, a source of strength last season again failed us.  Boone Logan (Who?  Seriously. Who?) pitched the sixth and gave up a run on a Victor Martinez home run.  7-6 Yankees after six.

Just off the DL, Chan Ho Park melted down and gave up the lead, allowing 3 runs to score in the eighth off of home runs to Victor Martinez (again) and Kevin Youkilis. 9-7 Bahstahn after 8 innings.

I was preparing myself for a Yankees loss to the forces of evil when in the bottom of the ninth AROD hit a 2-run home run to tie the score.   After Francisco Cervelli was hit by a pitch the newest Yankee hero Marcus Thames homered for the Yankees first walk off shaving cream in the face win of the season.  Final Score:  Yankees 11 Bahstahn 9.

I feel a great disturbance in the force of the Red Sawks Nation.  Somewhere in Hollywood Matt Damon is trying to convince someone that he is in fact not Mark Wahlberg.

Notes on the game:

There was a preliminary celebrity sighting.  Someone who looked like Eddie Murphy was at the game.  But since the person sitting next to him was a biological female and not a transsexual it was ruled out.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

As everyone knows Johnson is on the DL and may need season ending surgery.  He was in the Yankee locker room before the game rehabbing his wrist when he slipped on a Joba Chamberlain game-used condom and  broke his back.  Yankee trainers immobilized him and placed him in an ambulance.  Unfortunately the ambulance was involved in a head on collision on the Major Deegan Expressway. The back door to the ambulance flew open and the stretcher with Nick Johnson landed in the East River where it was attacked by a lonely and lost whale who mistook Johnson and said stretcher for another whale.  Johnson was dragged under the water and was in danger of drowning when the whale was cut in two by a passing tour boat.  Johnson swam to shore and was immediately attacked by a pit bull, losing the left side of his body.  The Yankees claim this is just a temporary set back for their DH.

Best heckle of the game:

I tried but my heckle of “Lets go Phil Hughes and strike out some Jews” didn’t seem to fire up the crowd.  In fact I was told I might be committing a hate crime.  So I changed my chant. Whenever Matsuzaka released the ball I would shout, “There’s a nip in the air!”

What? It was cold at Yankee Stadium last night.

Recommended reading material:

The Battle for Spotsylvania Court House and the Road to Yellow Tavern by Gordon C. Rhea.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florda writes, “Recently I gave a judge a 20 dollar bill with the understanding he would find in favor of my client.  Instead he had me arrested for an attempted bribe.  What did I do wrong?”

You should have given him 20 dollars and some Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.  Who can resist peanut butter cups?

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “I cannot believe Ronny Dio is dead.  I cannot believe it’s not butter.  I cannot believe I am writing you.”

Wow.  You really are a nihilist L.K.

S.S. of New York writes, “I really love Mondays.  They are my favorite day of the week.”

I have to apologize for S.S. readers.  She’s originally from upstate New York someplace around Rochester. No doubt she’s scarred by the experience.

H.S. of Queens writes, “I am Albanian and a Mets fan.”

Could be worse.  He could be an Azerbaijani Phillies fan.

M.W. (though soon to be  M.B.) writes “I just shot a Mets fan.”

Was he Albanian?

So after five games my record stands at 3-2.  My next Yankee game is Tuesday June 1st against the Baltimore “Almost a Major League team” Orioles.

Go Yankees!

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