Angry White Men Damage Environment

Angry white men in the act of damaging the environment

Boston,  December 16, 1773

Today a crowd of angry white men boarded three ships in Boston Harbor and threw all tea overboard.  The long-term environmental impact has yet to be determined.

“I was minding my own business when I saw a group of about 100 men board some ships.  I didn’t know what they wanted but they all seemed very very angry about something” said an eyewitness to the terrorist event.

The unruly crowd, in defiance of all decency, destroyed 342 chests of tea.  When they were finished with their acts of vandalism the culprits dispersed into the night.

With the advent of day, as scores of dead fish floated on the surface, agents from the King’s Environmental Protection Agency were on the scene.

“This just boggles the imagination” said the Agent in charge of the investigation.  “The Harbor is an important environmental resource.  A pristine resource.  Now it is contaminated.  Who knows if it will ever return to its former condition.”

A spokesman for the Royal Governor called the action the “work of a fringe group of extremists who do not represent the colony.”  He also vowed to track down the guilty and bring them to justice.

“There is no room in a civilized society for this sort of antisocial violence.  If these tea party people want to live outside the law, if they want to damage the environment, if they want to drown in their anger they can go live in Connecticut, not Massachusetts.  We are an inclusive, tolerant society and we do not tolerate racism.”

The last comment highlighted the most controversial aspect of the night’s events:  White men dressing up in the costumes of native Americans.  Groups of counter protesters gathered in downtown Boston to show their support for the embattled native American community.

The Royal Governor has asked for all citizens to remain calm.

“I was saddened by the events and I just hope that there is no retaliation by white men against native  Americans.  I am also proposing that anybody who was involved with throwing the tea overboard be prohibited from owning a gun.”

Boston’s tight knit community of fishermen are reported to be “devastated” by impact upon their business.

“We are wiped out.  I just hope the Government gives us a bail out” said one.



3 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    So that’s why my last bowl of New England clam chowder tasted funny.

  2. Manhattan Infidel says:

    That and you should only be having Manhattan Clam chowder of course.

  3. Matt says:

    Those dirty terrorists. I bet they were monitored via the Monarchy Act. The Department of Colonial Security got them for sure…right?

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