Toilet Paper Wisdom

Toilet paper - it’s not just for your butt anymore.  It’s for your mind!Many companies nowadays are attaching slogans to their products in the hope of attracting an ethos or corporate culture to its use.  Many companies are not content simply to have people use their product. The correct demographic must use it.  Toilet paper, it seems, is not immune to this trend.

Perhaps the most notorious example of this is Seventh Generation Toilet Paper.  Written on every bag of their toilet paper is a quote from The Great Law of the Iroquois Confederacy:  “In our deliberation, we must consider the impact of our decisions on the next seven generations.”

“We at Seventh Generation care about the environment” said a spokesman.  “We only want those who are conscious of their grave responsibility to the next seven generations to wipe their ass with our product.”  When asked about the eight generation he responded, “Who cares.  They’re on their own.  Sucks to be them.”

Green Forest toilet paper and their slogan, “Soft on nature.  Soft on you”  seems to be written with the busy lives of everyday people in mind.

“People have enough problems.  Keeping their job.  Paying off a mortgage.  When they are wiping themselves they are at their most vulnerable.  Wouldn’t it be nice to have a toilet paper that understands?” said a spokesman for Green Forest.

Charmin Ultra Strong, with pictures of bears on their product and commercials of bears frolicking in the woods seems to be going for an alternate lifestyle demographic.

“We’re very popular with the Man-Bear Love Association” said their representative.  “We believe in free love.  We’re just kicking down the cobble stones looking for fun and feeling groovy.”

And that is just a sample of the main brands of toilet paper.  Local varieties are also going for specific demographics.

In New York a popular brand of toilet paper is “The Village People Toilet Paper.”  Their slogan of “It’s kinda rough but you like it that way don’t you?” was recently featured on Jerry Springer.

As for your humble correspondent, well, I am on a budget and have recently switched to a brand manufactured in Brooklyn in a sandpaper factory.  I asked about their slogan of “Yeah, it’s sandpaper.  But its 15 cents. What are you looking at punk?”‘

“It’s very very cheap.  We get a lot of deadbeats using it.  Lots of bloggers.”

Amen to that brother.


3 Responses

  1. innominatus says:

    An Indian makes his monthly trip across the wilderness to the trading post where he stocks up on supplies.

    “Me needem toilet paper” he says to the clerk.

    “Well, we have Charmin, and we have generic” replies the clerk.

    “Generic?” the Indian asks

    “Yeah, it’s doesn’t have a name. It is just basic TP, so it is a lot cheaper”

    “Me takem generic.” And with that, the Indian heads for home.

    The following month he returns to the trading post as usual.

    “Me gottem name for that generic toilet paper.”

    “Really? What do you suggest?”

    “John Wayne!”

    “John Wayne? Isn’t that a strange name for TP?”

    “Me callem the TP John Wayne because the TP rough and tough and take no shit off Indian.”

  2. Matt says:

    Good one. I do resent the deadbeat comparison, but, someone has to market to the HuffPo and the Kossacks.

  3. Manhattan Infidel says:

    It’s bad enough the Greenies are everywhere but now I have to worry about the environment after taking a dump? No justice no peace I say!

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