Calling it the“civil rights issue of the Century” Mark Hansen, presiding Bishop of the Lutheran Evangelical Church in America raised his strong opposition to President Obama’s choice of Elana Kagen to be the next Supreme Court Justice of the United States.

“With the retirement of John Paul Stevens there will not be one Protestant member of the Supreme Court.  When you look back on all that Protestants have contributed to America, what with Art Linkletter and Mary Tyler Moore it is inconceivable that this could happen.”

He then called for a day of protest and asked  that all Protestants “Raise Holy Heck.”

Katherine Jefferts Schori, Presiding Bishop and Primate of the Episcopalian Church in the United States called on Obama to “Stop his exclusionary practices.  We need a Protestant on the Court to protect all that we hold dear – the Constitution, the separation of Church and State, Wiffle Ball, cardigan sweaters and Mary Tyler Moore.”

The General Conference of the United Methodist Church has urged its members to “Smoke their pipes while ripping the patches off their jackets and throwing them to the ground” in protest.   Note:  The UMC later recanted, saying through a spokesman that what they originally proposed was “extreme, even for us.”  They later issued a statement to the effect that if the rights of Mary Tyler Moore are respected then they can live with a protestant-free Supreme Court.  “For now anyway.”

Throughout the United States worried police have reported crowds of “demure and very well behaved Protestants” returning their Mary Tyler Moore DVDs in protest.  Said one police chief:  “They were all very polite.  Except for the Methodists of course.”

The Administrative Committee of the Presbyterian Church in America called the return of the DVDs a “Sacrifice the Supreme Being Demands until the abomination of having no Protestants on the Supreme Court is rectified.” They also reminded members to pay any parking tickets on time. When asked if they too would be ripping the patches off their jackets the Administrative Committee said “Who’s doing that?  The Methodists? Figures. They are out of control.  Seriously.  We don’t even like to be around them.”

The American Baptist Church of America said that it would be amenable to a meeting of all Protestants to seek redress of their grievances as long as it didn’t lead to “breaking bread with Methodists.  They are a bunch of patchless libertines.”

Informed of Protestant opposition to Kagen, Francis Cardinal George, OMI, President of the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops said that while he respects their opinion, it is important that a Protestant not be on the Supreme Court as “it may lead to Deism.  Hey, I just said Deism.  Everybody gather around.  Group hug.  Group hug people.”

Mary Tyler Moore could not be reached for comment.

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