If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base. ~Dave Barry

Today I went to Yankee Stadium to see the Yankees play a matinee against the Baltimore Orioles. And if you can’t spend a beautiful spring day with Olivia Wilde   the ballpark will do.  Fortunately for me, Javier Vasquez was not the scheduled starter so there was a good chance of victory.

Andy Pettitte (4-0) started for the Yankees and pitched five strong innings, allowing six hits and one run while striking out two, lowering his ERA to 2.08.  Unfortunately for the Yankees, since Pettitte is 62 years old he had to leave the game after the fifth inning with stiffness in his elbow and back.  Hopefully he won’t miss a start.

The Yankees scored first when Nick Johnson of the .171 average and bad pornstache homered to deep right.  The Yankees play music when each person is announced to bat.  The music played is what the players request.  Johnson plays Miley Cyrus.  He claims he does this for his daughter.  Yes.  Of course.  That is the reason.  And I was caught in an alley with a prostitute because I was ministering to the outcasts of society.

Nick Swisher homered in the second.  AROD drove in Jeter in the third and the Yankees scored three times in the fourth.  6 – 1 after five when Pettitte left.  Victory seemed secure.  Then our bullpen came in. Ty Wigginton, Matt Weiters and Nolan Reimold homered for Baltimore in the eighth and ninth as Baltimore scored four times off of five Yankee relievers.  Final score:  Yankees 7 Baltimore 5.

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Nick was captured by the Borg before the game and assimilated into the Collective.  Fortunately the clubhouse attendants for the Yankees were able to retrofit a batting helmet to fit over the Borg implants.

Notes on the game:

At one point before the game I found myself leaning on a stainless steel table behind the home plate area.  I was immediately surrounded by Yankee Stadium security who sensed a disturbance in the force.

“Sir. You can’t lean here.  This area is reserved!”

Damn my gauche elbows.   Well, they do look poor.

Today was Cinco de Mayo.  There was a special on Latin food at Yankee Stadium.  To ensure ethnic authenticity all Latin food came with a switchblade.  What?  What do you mean I can’t say that?  People are so sensitive nowadays.

In the Yankee team store they sell “game-used equipment.”  I wanted to buy some game-used equipment.  But Jeter’s jersey was $1,000.  Home plate was $2,000.  I don’t have that kind of money so I bought a Ramiro Pena game-used unwashed jockstrap for $11.25.  It was either that or Billy Martin’s liver preserved in a pickle jar for $25.00

Reader mail:

L.K. of New Jersey writes, “That videotape that purports to show me stabbing my neighbor to death?  It’s fake.  Really.  Honestly.”

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “Damn you Manhattan Infidel for disparaging my great city.  If it weren’t for my ankle monitoring bracelet and the fact that leaving the state violates my parole I’d travel to NYC and admonish you.”

Olivia Wilde writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Megan Fox writes, “What part of restraining order don’t you understand?”

Jessica Rabbit writes, “I’m not bad.  I’m just drawn that way.  And what part of a restraining order don’t you understand?”

Frau Blucher writes, “Stay close to the candles.  The stairway can be……treacherous”

Recommended reading material:

The History of the Federal Reserve, Volume 1, 1913-1951.  (I bought it only for the pictures of the naked girls.)

So this year my record stands at 2-2.  My next game is Monday May 17th against the abomination of desolation known as the Boston Red Sox.  And what does Boston do readers?  That’s right.  Bahstahn sawks cack.

Go Yankees!

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