City of Brotherly Love Tasers Fan

Welcome to Philadelphia punk!During the Eighth inning of a game between the Philadelphia Phillies and the St. Louis Cardinals, a 17-year old fan ran out onto the field at Citizen’s Bank Ballpark.  He was immediately tasered by quick thinking Philadelphia police. In the aftermath television shows and talk radio were discussing whether the force was justified or excessive.

Many fans clearly feel the use of a taser was excessive.

“Dude I haven’t seen such violence and rage at a baseball game since the last time Alfonso Soriano struck out” said one caller.

In Seattle interim Police Chief John Diaz told reporters that tasering the fan was not something his officers would have done.

“We probably would just put a cup of Starbucks coffee in his hand and pointed him in the direction of some anarchists.  Believe me he would have gotten the message.”

From the offices of Major League Baseball, Commissioner Bud Selig issued a statement that said:

We regret the unfortunate incident at last night’s game.  However fans should not run out onto the field.  This non-millionaire, I mean this fan, might have actually gotten close to one of our players. If that had happened the social order of society would be destroyed.  Chaos would reign. Pestilence and famine would follow. Who knows, the Earth might leave its orbit. The Sun might go supernova.  The Cubs might win a championship.  The Philadelphia police were just looking out for the interests of everybody.

From Philadelphia Police Commissioner Charles Ramsey said that the use of force was justified.

This is the big city.  We have lots of trouble with undesirable types like Mexicans and Dallas Cowboys fans. It’s important that our officers stay alert and that they use their training as often as possible.  Besides, the officer who tasered the fan might have thought he (the fan) was Santa Claus.  Outworlders (those not from Philly) won’t understand but to us, Santa is the Devil,  the Antichrist the last guy to play drums in Wings all rolled into one.

A visit to the Philadelphia Police Academy to watch officers being trained offered valuable insight into the situation.  Officers shoot at targets dressed as Santa.

A two-week intensive “Know your Enemy – It is Santa” training course offers cadets valuable opportunities to hone their Santa beatdown skills.  Skills that will come in handy in the real world.

As a cardboard cutout of Santa was brought into a room full of cadets a tape loop of  Santa proclaming “Ho! Ho! Ho!” was played.  Cadets tensed, and grabbed their batons.

“Take him out boys” said the instructor.  “The Fat one’s going down!” 

As for the fan who ran out onto the field he says he may do it again.

“But I’m not going to wear red.  No wonder they tasered me.  I looked like Santa out there.”


One Response

  1. Matt says:

    Dallas Cowboy fans!? Have they called out the National Guard yet? Dear God man, the humanity!

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