The NYPD, Homeland Security and the FBI have announced that the suspect in Saturday evening’s foiled Times Square car bombing is a “balding white male in his mid ’40s” prompting an intensive coast to coast search for former teen idol Leif Garrett.

“Right now all evidence points to Garrett, who I believe used to be famous in the ’70s” said NYPD Chief Ray Kelly.  As to why Garrett is the suspect Kelly said “We are looking for a balding man. David Lee Roth is too old and Bing Crosby is dead.”

Because the car was parked outside the headquarters of Viacom, owners of South Park, rumors abounded that it was a failed strike by Muslims.  Chief Kelly denied this.

“Any speculation like that is  pure racism.  It’s the white man.  It’s always the white man.”

Chief Kelly then had himself arrested.

From his seedy, one-bedroom apartment in a run-down section of Los Angeles, Garrett denied any responsibility for the bomb attempt.

“Come on!  Leave me alone will you.  I had nothing to do with it.  I just want to pay my rent and eat my KFC double down.”

Reporters and police who questioned Garrett all noticed that “he seemed to be a very angry white man.”

Garrett, who was out of control and close to losing it, repeatedly berated press who contacted him.

“You’re tramping mud all over my apartment.  Guys my vacuum cleaner isn’t working.  Will you be careful!  Please!”

The LA Times ran a front page headline, “Garrett’s Very Angry Descent into Madness and Car Bombing”:

Former teen idol and hearthrob Leif Garrett, today is a stereotypical angry white male.  His millions vanished.  The adoring girls gone he now bides his time in a cheap apartment with bomb making materials.  It is worth  noting that during this reporter’s visit he continually tried to pick up mud off the floor.  Why?  Possibly for bomb making material.

VH1 has announced that is is working on a special, “Leif Garrett:  White, Angry and Car Bomber” to be aired in June.

Despite the attention focused on him Garrett continues to deny any responsibility for the car bombing.

“Seriously will you guys leave me alone.  Why don’t you investigate David Cassidy? I just want to work again. Can I borrow your phone?  I have to contact my agent and my phone was cut off. “

In a related note, it has been announced that David Cassidy has been signed to play Leif Garrett in a new movie based on his life as an angry white car bomber.

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