“Why are you downcast my soul?  Why do you sigh within me” – Psalm 42

I’ll tell you why my soul is downcast.  Saturday I went to Yankee Stadium and was greeted by the horrifying spectacle of Javier Vasquez taking the pitcher’s mound.  I suppose those stationed in Pearl Harbor on board the Arizona must have had the same feeling when they saw the first wave of Japanese bombers:  “Well, this is certainly going to suck.”

And suck it did.  Vasquez seems to have caught the Ed Whitson/Kenny Rogers/Kevin Brown disease and has lost the ability to pitch.  In New York anyway. Vasquez pitched 3 plus innings giving up five runs and seven hits.  (Three of those were home runs.  Two by Andruw “I spell my name differently to get street cred” Jones.) Mark Kotsay hit the third home run and by the fourth inning it was 5-1 Chicago.  Vasquez could not get an out in the fourth and was booed off the mound. Sergio Mitre was brought in to stop the bleeding and pitched three no hit innings.

The Yankees actually rallied and went ahead 6-5 on Nick Swisher’s two run home run. But the lead, like my hairline, soon vanished and the Yankees lost 7-6.  David Robertson took the loss for the Yankees, bringing his season ERA up to 12.71.  There is no truth to the rumor that Robertson gets paid extra if his ERA matches the interest rate on his credit cards.  The Yankees also lost Curtis Granderson who left the game with a strained groin. This explains why he doubled over on 3rd base screaming “Ow, my balls!”

Notes on the game:

Though it was only the first of May the temperature peaked at 90 degrees.  During the seventh inning stretch noted climate scientist Al Gore  brought a polar bear out to the infield and shot it between the eyes.  I think he was trying to demonstrate the danger humans face from rising sea levels.

***************  Breaking News  ****************

Former Vice President Al Gore has entered rehab seeking treatment to end his addiction to shooting polar bears between the eyes.  Said Gore, “I just love shooting them. I love the feeling of power I get from watching them die.  I love watching the blood run out of the wound in their head.  I realize now that this is wrong and I hope with treatment to end my terrible addiction.”

*************** End of Breaking News **************

Nick Johnson injury watch:

Before the game in the clubhouse Nick was electrocuted in a freak accident involving a hair dryer and the tears of a clown.  Quick thinking Yankee trainers immediately packed the corpse in ice. With the rapid advancements in medical technology Manager Joe Girardi hopes to have Johnson reanimated in time for the mid week series against Baltimore.

This was my first game of the year in my accustomed 12 dollar bleacher seats.  My first game was in the 60 dollar seats and the second in the 25 dollar seats.  There is an interesting difference in how Yankee Stadium personnel treat those in the cheap seats.  For example, when I was in the bathroom washing my hands the attendant kicked me in the groin and shouted in English and Spanish “You are poor!”

That usually doesn’t happen in the 200 level seats.

Reader mail:

W.J.J.B. of Florida writes, “Recently while in court with a client I asked the judge for a 20 minute recess so I could practice the guitar solo from ‘While My Guitar Gently Weeps.’  He said no.  Was he being unreasonable?” W.J.J.B. – The answer is yes.  Our Declaration of Independence gives us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.  I say the next time the judge says no,  crank up “Well, Well, Well” on your iPod.  Teach him a lesson!

S.S. of New York writes, “Do you think I have a chance with Joe Paterno?  I think he’s so sexy.”

I’ve heard about your older man fetish.  But really, couldn’t you go for a man who’s still in his 70s?  Larry King perhaps?

Jimmy the Hat writes, “Do you like gladiator movies?  Ever seen a grown man naked?”

You’re not a Joe Paterno fan are you?

M.W. (though soon to be M.B.) of New York writes, “I too like to shoot polar bears in the head. I did it all the time in California.”

You see!  You see what happens to people when they live in California?

Ro of Los Angeles writes, “I have never shot a polar bear.  Though I have killed a few birds outside my window.  Will I need a larger gun to  kill polar bears?”

California.  Is it too late to give it back to Mexico?

D.B. of Philadelphia writes, “I love my Phillies and Philadelphia is the greatest city in the world…..oh god snakes. Get them off me!  Get them off me!  Underwear. Lint in navel.  Naked. I pooped myself.”

Obviously D.B. is into free form poetry.

Cyril of Jerusalem writes, “Sin is brief and lasts but a little while; the shame of sin lasts a long time, forever.”

Obviously Cyril is referring to those poor unfortunates who root for the Red Sox.  They are beasts who have given themselves up to perdition.

Recommended reading material:

How the Beatles Destroyed Rock and Roll: An Alternative History of American Popular Music by Elijah Wald

So this year my record stands at a disturbing 1-2.  This is already the number of losses I had in the entire 2009 season.  Hopefully Javier Vasquez will be kidnapped by midgets and sold to aliens.  This might help my record.

My next game is Wednesday May 5th against the Baltimore Orioles.  Yeah, Baltimore sucks but you have to give them credit.  They try.  It’s like when Pat Boone released that heavy metal album. It sucked but he’s trying.

Go Yankees!

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