15 Jan 16

Manhattan Infidel’s Guide to Having an Acceptable Rape

Rape is wrong! Except when it’s done by Syrian refugees.

Since the reports of mass rapes in Germany on New Year’s Eve many have asked me if it is possible that it wasn’t rape but just a case of cultural misunderstanding. Are there situations where rape is acceptable? Having researched the problem I believe I have the answer to that question.

There are reports of mass rape. How do you respond?

Gather the facts

No one should be surprised! White men are rape happy

Women need government-funded “safe spaces” away from the white man!

The so-called “rapes” were committed by middle eastern refugees? You are racist for even suggesting that!

A man has pinned you to the ground and is forcibly removing your clothing. What should you do?

Use my government-issued rape whistle to alert non-armed police officers

I must have been dressed too provocatively

Is my attacker white?

He must be white. No other race is so f*cking rape-happy

Oh my god I can feel him about to penetrate my anus! What should I do?

Ask him how he feels about gun control. If he answers that he doesn’t like it use your rape whistle

If he answers that he favors gun control then he might possibly be a liberal. Relax your anal muscles for him

It’s not rape when a liberal does it. Just ask Joy Behar

Enjoy your penetration

Your would-be penetrator just shouted “Allah Akbar”

I must have misheard

Islam is the religion of peace™. I know I must have misheard

Perhaps he actually said “Vote for Trump!”

Yeah, he must have said “Vote for Trump.” You know how Republicans are always trying to blame peoples of color

Does your would-be rapist support abortion rights

Again all I heard was “Allah Akbar.” My hearing must be going

That’a s good idea. If he supports abortion rights then he is my ally

Stupid Republicans and their stupid war on women!

People who support abortion rights are hot!

I asked him and he supports abortion!

Good for you. Your anus will be penetrated by a progressive

Buy him a soy latte when the penetration is over

You know it’s not technically rape. Perhaps our progressive friend just wants to get his pro-abortion freak on. Totally normal

Your girlfriends will be so jealous!

So you see, it turns out there are times when rape is acceptable within the framework of society’s moral code. Just be a) liberal or b) Muslim.

(37)

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14 Jan 16

Toucan Sam Loses Nose to Syphilis!

Toucan Sam pictured before his nose disintegrated and fell off

It has been confirmed that popular mascot Toucan Sam has had reconstructive surgery to repair the nose that he lost after being diagnosed with Syphilis.

Rumors first surfaced about Toucan’s medical condition months ago when the usually sociable Toucan disappeared behind the walls of his mansion.

“Senor Toucan, his nose fall off” his maid Rosalita told friends.

Toucan, who has bragged about having over 5000 sexual partners was often warned by friends to change his lifestyle,

“He never listened to us” said one. “He’d just laugh and say ‘I’m invincible!’ “

Sam would often bring women onto his yacht which became known as “The Orgy Yacht.”

“He always had a party going on” according to a party goer who was often invited to the yacht.

It was always filled with woman. There would be sometimes a dozen or more in his cabin alone. What can I say, he had an insatiable sexual appetite and apparently lots of stamina.

That all changed when he contracted the virus.

Hiding himself in his mansion, Toucan Sam dealt with skin ulcers, dementia and light sensitivity and finally the dreaded “saddle nose” as the bridge of his nose caved into his flesh and decayed as the syphilis progressed.

Ashamed of his deformed appearance, Sam underwent the torture of primitive nose reconstruction.

His private doctor was called in and a flap of skin was cut from his upper arm and fashioned into the shape of a nose and then grafted into his damaged nasal cavity. His upper arm was then held in place with bandages for about two weeks as the graft attached itself to his face. Then the new nose was severed from the arm. This drawing

This is what Toucan Sam would have looked like before the arm was severed from his new nose

shows approximately what Sam would have looked like before the new nose was complete.

As to why Toucan Sam would undergo such torture instead of just taking penicillin, medical doctors state that while effective on humans, penicillin is resistant to Toucan physiology.

Despite having tertiary syphilis Toucan Sam seems determined to continue his playboy lifestyle.

“He’s already invited women to his yacht” said a friend.

I don’t know how successful he’s going to be. Everyone knows he has syphilis and even though he has a new nose it doesn’t quite look right. You know how the Washington Monument is two colors? That’s what his face looks like now. His nose is whiter than the rest of his face.

None of this seems to have discouraged Sam who has taken to strutting around town.

“I’m Toucan Sam bitch! And I’m back!”

(582)

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13 Jan 16

Lord Obama, Defender of the Faith of Socialism, Protector of the Realm, Addresses his Subjects in 2016 State of the Empire Speech

These are the jokes people!

For the last time His Holiness Lord Obama addressed his subjects in the annual State of the Empire Speech. As a service to my readers I now present the speech in its entirety. I know. I’m sorry too. Please forgive me.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, Members of Congress, my fellow Americans (except for the bitter clingers):

Tonight marks the eighth year I’ve come here to report on the State of the Union. And for this final one, I’m going to try to make it shorter. I know some of you are antsy to get back to Iowa. [pause] These are the jokes people.

Tonight, I want to go easy on the traditional list of proposals for the year ahead. Don’t worry, I’ve got plenty and I’ll keep pushing for progress on the work that still needs doing. Fixing a broken immigration system so that more Muslims can come in to our country and rape those sluts in short skirts. Protecting our kids from gun violence by abolishing the second amendment and throwing their gun-owning parents in jail and raising the minimum wage to a livable 35 dollars an hour. After all, a 40 year old grandmother who’s been working at Burger King for 25 years deserves a raise.

We live in a time of extraordinary change — I mean my daughters have breasts now. Soon I’ll have to have them clitorally circumcised. It’s what the prophet wants.

America has been through big changes before. Each time, there have been those who told us to fear the future. Republicans no doubt; who claimed we could slam the brakes on change, promising to restore past glory if we just got some group or idea that was threatening America under control. And each time, we overcame those fears. We did not, in the words of Lincoln, that great Democrat, adhere to the “dogmas of the quiet Republican past.” Instead we thought anew, and acted anew. We made change work for us, always extending America’s promise outward, to the next frontier of socialism, to more and more people. And because we did — because we saw opportunity where Republicans saw only peril — we emerged stronger and better and more socialist and in more in debt than before.

It’s that spirit that made the progress of these past seven years when I lead my subjects possible. It’s how we recovered from the worst economic crisis in generations. It’s how we reformed our health care system so it’s worse than ever, and how we secured the freedom in every state to marry the person we love even though they have the same genitalia.

But such progress is not inevitable. It is the result of the coercive power of the Federal government. Will we respond to the changes of our time with fear, turning inward as a nation, and turning against each other as a people? And I don’t mean just the bad Republicans. Or will we face the future with confidence in who we are, what we stand for, and the incredible things we can do together. Even if we have the same genitalia.

So let’s talk about the future, and four big questions that we as a country have to answer .

First how can we confiscate every weapon not used by state forces.

Second how can we use the coercive power of the Federal government to solve climate change?

Third how do we get illegal immigrants to vote Democrat.

And finally how can we get bitter, clinging Republicans to give up their guns. Technically that’s also number one. But confiscating guns has been part of the Democratic Party’s platform since Hitler did it in the 1930s.

I don’t have the answer to any of these. Nor do I care. I’m out of office in a year bitches and intend to travel the globe milking the adulation.

But we have to make college affordable for every American. Because no hardworking student should be stuck in the red. Unless they’ve borrowed $200,000.

Anybody who wants to dispute the science around climate change, have at it. You’ll be pretty lonely, because you’ll be debating our military, most of America’s business leaders, the majority of the American people, almost the entire scientific community, and Leonardo DiCaprio who was recently raped by a bear enraged by climate change.

Surveys show our standing around the world is higher than when I was elected to this office, and when it comes to every important international issue, people of the world do not look to Beijing or Moscow to lead — they call us and ask us to ask Beijing or Moscow to lead.

We need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. Except for white Republicans.

When white politicians insult Muslims, or when a mosque is vandalized by white people that doesn’t make us safer. It diminishes us in the eyes of the prophet Allah.

That’s the America I know. That’s the country I love. Muslim and intolerant. Okay, so that’s Indonesia and not the U.S. but I love Indonesia. I believe in you. Well, I believe in Hispanics and Muslims who vote Democrat. That’s why I stand here confident that the State of our Union is strong.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America and the prophet Allah.

(49)

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12 Jan 16

David Bowie, Bing Crosby Team Up to Annoy Residents of Heaven

A photo of the two taken before the set out on the town to terrorize Heaven

A photo of the two taken before they set out on the town to terrorize Heaven

Newly arrived resident of Heaven, David Bowie has teamed up with Bing Crosby for a series of pranks and parties that have terrorized the other residents.

“It’s been hell here since he (Bowie) showed up” said one.

Well not literally hell. More like Washington Heights in Manhattan, what with the loud music and constant noise. This used to be nice neighborhood. If this keeps up I might move to Valhalla. That has to be quieter than here.

“Crosby was bad enough alone” said another.

He was always leaving bags of flaming poop on Bob Hope’s doorstep and then running away. And when he wasn’t doing that he was telling his kid Gary that he sucked and no one liked him. Sometimes he would steal Frank Sinatra’s toupee and replace it with Peter Lawford. The entire Peter Lawford. Poor Sinatra had no choice but to wear him.

But together the two are insufferable.

“Bing said he’s been waiting for Bowie to show up” said God.

Now all they do it go around singing “Little Drummer Boy.” I mean we all hate that song. Can’t they do a duet of White Christmas or something? I may have to institute a no-duet policy. It’s bad enough with Nat King Cole and Natalie Cole are singing duets all over the place. We tolerated it because it was just them. But if this dueting keeps up I don’t know what to do. I might move to Valhalla as well. Hey, I’m God. I can do anything I want. Well almost anything. It took me years to get CSI: Miami cancelled.

Attempts to get the two to stop dueting have been unsuccessful.

Whenever I mention that perhaps they shouldn’t sing that song Bing gets all offended and says, “What? This pretty little thing” and then they continue to sing It only emboldens them.

An emergency meeting of the Heaven Homeowners Association was called to address the situation.

“We’re all pretty charitable up here in Heaven” said St. Francis.

But we took a vote and we all agreed that if they didn’t stop singing we would kick their respective asses. Then we had St. Dominic deliver the ultimatum. He came back with a black eye and wearing Frank Sinatra’s toupee.

As the two continued dueting bus stations throughout Heaven have been filled with people buying tickets to Valhalla.

“Everyone’s trying to leave” said St. John Paul II. “This place sucks now.”

The one resident who isn’t leaving? Frank Sinatra.

“I ain’t going anywhere until whoever took my damn toupee returns it!”

(67)

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11 Jan 16

Silly Rabbit Dies of Trix Overdose

Just give me the f*ckng Trix and no one will get hurt!

Tricks, the silly rabbit obsessed with Trix cereal has passed away, a victim of his lifelong addiction.

“We knew this day was going to come” said a longtime friend.

As much as we dreaded it, it’s a relief in many ways. At least he is free now. Free of his dreaded addiction to that damn cereal. He was a good, if silly, rabbit. But once you have that addiction monkey on your back it usually doesn’t end well. May his life and death serve as a warning to others who may want to dabble in Trix cereal.

Tricks was born in 1955 in upstate New York. At first he was a just a normal rabbit with a penchant for telling jokes and being the class clown with his group of friends.

But one day in 1973 that would all change.

“We were at a party and they were passing around Trix cereal” according to a fellow party goer.

It was an experimental time and everyone was snorting Trix. No big deal. Anyway the bowl came to Tricks. He snorted some and the look on his face changed. It was like he lost his soul. I’ve blamed myself over the years. I wish I had never taken him to that party. He had so much to offer and he snorted it all away.

Once Tricks got his first taste of the delicious breakfast cereal he dropped out of college where he was studying electrical engineering and began a long downward spiral.

Because of his addiction he had trouble holding jobs and was frequently unemployed. Needing money to feed his addiction Tricks turned to a life of petty crime.

“We arrested him a few times for B and E” said a cop.

Funnily enough he never stole any valuables. We’d find him in the kitchen surrounded by empty boxes of Trix and a glazed look on his face. It was a sorry sight.

Soon petty crimes weren’t enough to feed his addiction and he moved to the west coast to be closer the Trix harvesting fields of southern California.

He gravitated towards actors.

“Actors always had some Trix” said a fellow junkie.

And they seemed happy to have him around. I didn’t know why at first. It turns out they were giving him Trix in exchange for letting them use his ears as a masturbatory aid. Hey, actors. They are weird people. I mean as addicted as I was I never lost that much self-respect.

When actors weren’t available he would stalk children’s birthday parties by dressing as a clown. Oftentimes parents would find him in kitchen tossing boxes out of the cabinet until he found some Trix. If the house didn’t have any he would burn it down.

On one notorious occasion he broke into a home and attacked children at breakfast.

“Just give me the f*cking Trix and no one will get hurt” he told them.

Frightened, they ran screaming out of the house as he brandished a knife.

In an attempt to overcome his addiction he returned to New York in 2012. At first he seemed successful but the pull of temptation proved too much and soon he was using again.

“The last time I saw him he was by the side of road covered in sores” said a classmate.

I didn’t even recognize him at first. Tricks is that you I said. He just looked at me with those sad eyes and pointed to his semen-encrusted ears. “Kill me. You’d be doing me a favor” was all he said.

Shortly after this he was found dead of exposure, the victim of a New York winter night.

In lieu of flowers friends are asked to make a donation to the Society for the Prevention of Cereal Addiction.

(190)

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8 Jan 16

Spam! (The Paying Customer Edition)

Spam! We love it. We need it! It’s a natural part of life

Spam! We all love it. We all need it. We all want more of it. It’s a natural part of life we shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about. So in the spirit of giving (’tis still the season) I now present the semi-annual visit to the Spam Factory.

Visit to the Spam Factory void where prohibited by law. Do not visit the Spam Factory if you are taking nitrates for chest pain. If you experience a visit to the Spam Factory that lasts longer than four hours seek immediate medical attention.

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And there you have it friends. May your Spam be as enjoyable and profitable as mine.

(53)

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7 Jan 16

Failed Man Named Face of Louis Vuitton’s Womenwear Campaign

Failed man and professional dress wearer, Jaden Smith, so-called “son” of Will Smith, has been named the face of the new Louis Vuitton’s women’s clothes campaign.

“It’s true” said Vuitton’s creative director.

Jaden is the new face of our clothing line. I salute Jaden’s courage in dressing as a woman and I believe that his manly frame and manly bulge express best what it means to be a woman in 2016.

Jaden himself was pleased to become the new face of women’s clothing.

“I dress to show how I feel inside” he/she said.

I like wearing super drapey things so I can feel as though I’m a superhero but don’t have to necessarily wear super hero costumes every day. This is normal in Hollywood. Clothing knows no gender. I’ve tried wearing men’s clothing but when I did I felt like I had to be a man and actually accomplish something. This felt like a societal microagression against me. When I wear woman’s clothing I can feel soft and pretty. People look at me. I feel powerful and I don’t even have to do anything!

When asked why a woman was not chosen to be the face of womenswear, a spokesman for Vuitton scoffed at the question.

“This displays your gender ignorance” he said.

Jaden Smith is a failed man, which makes him almost a woman. Not quite but a failed man is still worth more than a woman. Look at Caitlyn. Many objected when Glamour magazine named him the woman of the year. But the point was made. Women have had their chance to be women. They have failed. It is now up to the transgendered community, chick with dicks is the colloquial phrase, to show women what being a woman really means. I have no idea if Jaden is taken female hormones but that is besides the point. He is down with the struggle to become a woman. What do women know about being a woman that Jaden doesn’t?

As for what is next for him Jaden responded that he hasn’t thought that far ahead but hopes one day to have a period.

I want to feel what women feel. And my wanting to feel what they feel will make me feel more like them. Every day I ask God to make me bleed. I know I will bleed one day. And when that day comes the walls of gender biology and ignorance that separate men from the non-men will finally come tumbling down and will will live in a gender free paradise.

Gender fluid activists have hailed Vuitton’s choice of Jaden.

“I want to be a woman but retain my penis” said one. “Jaden’s actions complete me.”

Many school districts across the U.S. are sponsoring “gender fluid” days in support of Vuitton.

“We encourage our boys to dress as girls as often as possible” said a principal.

While those who are anti-science say that crossdressing does not make them girls, we feel it is the first step towards getting boys to unlearn their testosterone. It’s science.

Still not everyone supports Vuitton’s decision.

“I wanted to be the face of womenswear” said America’s most famous transgender, Caitlyn Jenner.

“Jaden is a punk who hasn’t earned the honor like I have! What does he know about being a woman?”

(47)

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6 Jan 16

God Cries!

The son of god cries

In the wonderful condescension of God’s plan, his Son the Obama came down to Earth to lead an ungrateful nation. Without losing his godhead he became fully human. He thinks with a human mind and feels with a human soul. Today he showed his human side by weeping over gun violence.

But did you know that His Holiness Barack Hussein Obama is not the first president to cry? In fact all have. Using the best research tools available to a member of the MSM ~~I made it up~~ I have compiled a list of what made all our presidents cry.

George Washington. What made him cry? Dentures

My dentures are driving me crazy!

John Adams. What made him cry? Male pattern baldness

How did William Shatner ever do it?

Thomas Jefferson. What made him cry? Black slaves who won’t put out.

Come on baby…..just do it for me!

James Madison. What made him cry? The British burning his house down.

‘effin British!

James Monroe. What made him cry? Who knows. Who cares. Monroe was a loser.

Hi. I’m James Monroe. Will you be my friend?

John Quincy Adams. What made him cry? His look won’t be considered cool for 150 years.

You know honey one day women will dig this look

Andrew Jackson. What made him cry? Running out of people to kill in a duel.

Oh come on! You mean there’s nobody I can kill?

Martin Van Buren. What made him cry? Looking too much like the Creature from the Black Lagoon

Egads. Do I really look like this?

William Henry Harrison. What made him cry? Pneumonia.

This is just a cold, right?

John Tyler. What made him cry? Texas.

Damn Texans

James Knox Polk. What made him cry? His barber gave him a mullet.

What the hell? I have a mullet!

Zachary Taylor. What made him cry? Eating strawberries in summertime.

Mm. Love these cherries!

Millard Fillmore. What made him cry? Upstate New York.

Have you ever been to upstate New York? ‘Nuff said.

Franklin Pierce. What made him cry? Sobriety

What time is happy hour?

James Buchanan. What made him cry? Southerners. I mean couldn’t they at least wait until I was out of office to secede?

‘effin southerners!

Abraham Lincoln. What made him cry? The theater. And his wife.

I can’t go to the theater with my wife! I’ll die!

Andrew Johnson. What made him cry? Sobriety.

Let me reach into my coat and take out my flask

Ulysses S. Grant. What made him cry? Are you joking? Sobriety. Sobriety. Sobriety.

I have many flasks in my coat

Rutherford B. Hayes. What made him cry? Food stuck in beard.

What’s that stuck in my beard?

James Garfield. What made him cry? Waiting in agony for four months to die of his gunshot wounds.

All in all being shot sucks

Chester A. Arthur. What made him cry? The inability to grow hair on his chin.

I needs a chin hair toupee

Grover Cleveland. What made him cry? Losing to Benjamin Harrison.

‘effin Benjamin Harrison

Benjamin Harrison. What made him cry? Benjamin Harrison never cried. He had no emotions and may have been a Vulcan.

I am a Vulcan

Grover Cleveland. What made him cry? Beating Benjamin Harrison

‘effin Benjamin Harrison

William McKinley. What made him cry? Buffalo, New York.

Buffalo New York really sucks

Theodore Roosevelt. What made him cry? His gay vibe.

I am not gay!

William Howard Taft. What made him cry? Theodore Roosevelt. And getting stuck in the White House bathtub.

I am not fat! I’m big boned!

Woodrow Wilson. What made him cry? Blacks demanding civil rights. I mean how dare they!

Can’t these blacks learn their place?

Warren G. Harding. What made him cry? Teapots.

As long as I don’t die in office I’ll be okay

Calvin Coolidge. What made him cry? Unions.

Being from New England i am filled with joy. Except for Unions. I bust them.

Herbert Hoover. What made him cry? Wall Street.

We could use a man like Herbert Hoover again/didn’t need no welfare state

Franklin D. Roosevelt. What made him cry? Eleanor’s hot lesbian lovers. I mean they wouldn’t put out for him.

I should have the hot young lovers, not Eleanor!

Harry Truman. What made him cry? Douglas MacArthur.

All generals should be shot!

Dwight Eisenhower. What made him cry? Richard Nixon.

‘Effin Richard Nixon!

John Kennedy. What made him cry? Dallas, Texas.

A quick trip to Dallas and then it’s back to the women in DC!

Lyndon Johnson. What made him cry? Robert Kennedy.

Robert Kennedy is a bully!

Richard Nixon. What made him cry? John Kennedy.

What did Kennedy have that I didn’t?

Gerald Ford. What made him cry? Falling while exiting Air Force One.

Whoops!

Jimmy Carter. What makes him cry? Malaise.

I feel a malaise coming on!

Ronald Reagan. What made him cry? His son Ron.

I mean I love my son Ron, but……

George Herbert Walker Bush. What made him cry? His son George.

I mean I love my son George, but……..

Bill Clinton. What made him cry? Not having enough time to penetrate all the women he wanted to.

Too many woman, not enough time!

George Bush. What made him cry? His father George.

I mean I love my father, but…….

Barack Hussein Obama. What made him cry? Frequent beatings from Michelle. And gun violence caused by Republicans.

Michelle beats me every night! And Republican gun violence! Am i right!

And there you have it. Proof that the God Obama wasn’t the first president to cry.

(55)

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5 Jan 16

Galactic Empire Ends Use of Gold Standard

You shall not crucify the Galactic Empire upon a cross of gold!

Jar Jar Blinks, newly appointed Finance Minister for the Galactic Empire announced today that they will be moving off the gold standard and adopting a fiat currency.

“This is the right thing to do” said Blinks.

Emperor Palpatine concurs. For too long we have been on the gold standard, and frankly, with the wars we are fighting on many fronts to defeat the rebels we need more money now than ever. A fiat currency will accomplish this.

With the Death Star destroyed many economists agree that this is the only available option for the Empire.

“Sure many have a sentimental attachment to the gold standard” said one leading economist.

Indeed the gold standard is not without benefits. For one it helps keep inflation down. In peacetime the gold standard is a rock upon which economic growth is based. But we are at war now. A brutal, expensive war. By going to a fiat currency we will be able to print up enough money to build a second Death Star.

With an estimated expense of 900 trillion dollars, building a second Death Star would cripple economic growth under the old gold standard.

“We need a Death Star if the Empire is to survive” declared Palpatine at the press conference announcing the change.

We are fighting to the death against a ruthless enemy. These rebels do not value human life. How else do you explain their decision to destroy the Death Star? How many citizens of the Empire died that day? Not just fighters but innocents. The Death Star housed thousands of support staff. Janitors, electricians, hairdressers, prostitutes. Hell, they even had their own I.T. department. All dead at the hands of the ruthless rebel bastards and their Wookie allies. That’s why we need a second Death Star. And we simply do not have enough gold reserves to build one. That’s what my economists say. They tell me a fiat currency will allow us to print more money to build the Star.

To help make the transition away from the gold standard easier Emperor Palpatine announced the creation of the Galactic Empire Federal Reserve System.

The Federal Reserve System will act as a lender of last resort and will house the fiat currency reserves in several locations throughout the Empire. The System will be totally transparent. Except for the parts we need to keep secret. So there will be no audits of the Federal Reserve. It’s what we have to do to survive.

Still not all favor abandoning the Gold Standard.

“It’s going to kill us” said one Empire resident.

Inflation will go through through the roof. The rich will get richer of course as they always seem to do. And the poor have Galactic welfare programs. But what about the middle class? We keep getting squeezed and squeezed.

The reaction from the rebellion was swift.

“While a second Death Star is troublesome, all we have to do is watch the Empire rot economically from the inside. Victory shall be ours!” declared Princess Leia.

(493)

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4 Jan 16

George Pataki Ends Bid for Presidency!

Hello I’m George Pataki. Yes. Pataki. P-A-T-A-K-I

With the Iowa caucuses weeks away already we have suffered the first casualty of the political season. George Pataki (yes apparently he is a real person. I looked it up on Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/George_Pataki ) has ended his dark horse run for the Presidency.

As the news filtered into the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I sprang into action: How would his withdrawal affect the race? Who would get his one loyal voter? And most importantly who the hell is George Pataki? I mean he has that Wikipedia entry but they get hacked all the time. There was only one way to find out. I put the word out among my MSM friends that I wanted this so-called Pataki to call me. Once the word was out I waited.

At noon the next day the phone rang.

MI: Hello. Manhattan Infidel speaking.

GP: Manhattan Infidel it’s George Pataki.

[Silence]

GP: I said it’s George Pataki.

MI: Pataki?

GP: Yes, Pataki. P-A-T-A-K-I. I was running for President.

MI: Of the US?

GP: Yes. You told me to call.

MI: Hold on. Just a sec. Let me check my calendar. Pataki?

GP: Yes. George Pataki.

MI: Is this about my dental appointment?

GP: No. I’m George Pataki.

MI: Oh, you’re with the cleaning service. Yes I am available on Friday. Come up to my place.

GP: No, no. I said this is George Pataki. I’d just like to say that while this is the end of my journey for the White House as I suspend my campaign for President, I am confident we can elect the right person!

MI: Suspend? Suspend what? Is this the parking garage? Look my check’s cleared. Do not move my car!

GP: [Sigh] No it’s George Pataki.

MI: Is this about the pizza? Good I ordered two large plain pies, one with extra cheese. Don’t get it wrong like last time.

GP: [Sigh] Okay. That was two large plain pies, one with extra cheese. Is there anything else?

MI: Does that come with a liter of Pepsi?

GP: No. Yeah, I mean I guess.

MI: Does it come with a liter of Pepsi? Yes or no, boy?

GP: Yes.

MI: Good. What’s the delivery time?

GP: Thirty minutes?

MI: Good. Goodbye.

I’ll continue to wait by the phone to see if this so-called George Pataki calls. In the meantime I have some delicious pizza arriving soon.

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Last night I went through another one of my horrible experiences. Many years ago I was bitten by a werewolf. Now, whenever the full moon rises I turn into a wolf myself.

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