The new Barbie: realistic, inclusive and man-free

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the famous doll, Barbie. I want to thank Barbie for agreeing to be interviewed by me and I want to thank Mattel for not breaking my legs.

MI: Good afternoon Barbie. It’s a pleasure to have you here.

Barbie:Thank you. Do you have any cookies?

MI: No. Now let’s talk about you.  You look different.

Barbie: Figures. Men are so superficial.

MI:  No I just mean you look different than the classic Barbie of old.

Barbie: I am not here to be mentally raped by your gaze.

MI: What? No. Believe me honey I am not thinking of raping you. 

Barbie: Good because that would violate my safe space.  Do you have your consent forms?

MI:  Consent forms?  For what?

Barbie: In case you want to have sex with me. It’s okay but I have to consent verbally and in writing to each sexual act.

MI: Trust me. Sex with you is the farthest thing from my mind.

Barbie:Why? Is it because my body type does not fit your patriarchal notion of traditional female beauty?

MI: That’s a nice way of putting it.

Barbie: My body does not define me! The patriarchy does not define me! I demand that you have sex with me.  It is my right!

MI: No I’m not.  I can’t have sex with you.

Barbie: Why?  Why?  Why?

MI: For starters you’re fat.

Barbie: I’m not fat. This is a realistic body type. This body type will improve the self esteem of girls.

MI: Fat girls maybe.

Barbie:Why must you be so mean? Why can’t you love me?

MI: I just met you.

Barbie: I can cook.  I know Excel. I have a degree in marketing.  My body type does not define me.

MI: Yes I know you already said that.

Barbie: Please.  Please don’t go.

[Barbie starts crying]

MI: Um. There, there?

Barbie: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s my blood sugar level.  It’s out of balance. Do you have any cookies or donuts?  If I eat something I’ll be better.

MI: No. I have nothing for you. Look it was nice meeting you but I should go now.

Barbie: Promise you’ll call?

MI: Um.

Barbie: Give me the six digits of your phone number.

MI: Phone numbers are seven numbers long.

Barbie: Oh. Six, seven, what difference does it make.  Math is hard.

MI: Yeah, bye.

Barbie: Are you sure you have no cookies? Well then go.  Just go.  I don’t need you. I’m independent.  Independent and realistically big-boned.

Wow. Barbie sure has changed. She used to be hot. Now she’s an emotional wreck. But realistically big-boned.

(42)

I’m an actor that means I’m smart

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing Mark Ruffalo.  I must admit I never have seen any of his movies but I’m told he’s a famous actor. And because he’s famous and an actor his opinions matter.

MI: Good afternoon Mr. Ruffalo.

MR: Good afternoon Manhattan Infidel.  No doubt you are a fan of mine?

MI: Um. Well I don’t go to many movies. I’ve never seen any of your work.

MR: Oh. Really. You know that makes me angry. Here I am, a famous, elite actor agreeing to sit down with you and you haven’t even seen my great work. I wish your mother had aborted you.

MI: Wow. That hurts.

MR: The world is too crowded anyway. It would have been better if you had not been born. You’re wasting my time. Why didn’t your mother abort you?

MI: I guess she loved me.

MR: Oh? Is that it? Or perhaps she couldn’t afford the 600 dollars for a sleazy back-alley abortion?  How old are you? You were born before Roe v Wade weren’t you? Well thank god abortion is legal now.

MI: Let’s talk about that. You are a big supporter of abortion rights. You were recently quoted as saying that you were proud of your mother for aborting your brother.

MR: Yes. That’s correct.I have a mother who was forced to illegally have an abortion in her state where abortion was illegal when she was a very young woman. It cost $600 cash. It was a traumatizing thing for her. It was shameful and sleazy and demeaning. When I heard the story I was aghast by the lowliness of a society that would make a woman do that. I could not understand its lack of humanity; today is no different. 

MI: The lack of humanity? That’s obvious at one level.  You don’t have a brother.

MR: Yes and it’s a beautiful thing. Humanity must be safe, legal and rare.

MI: But the child who was aborted was your brother!

MR:  I don’t understand your point.

MI: What if your wife had decided to abort your children!

MR: I would have been proud of her.

MI: I don’t believe this.

MR: Abortion is the greatest expression of human freedom. We lead the world in abortions.  Over 50 million have been done in the United States since 1974. That’s 50 million less people that would be responsible for global warming.

MI: What if your mother had decided to abort you?

MR: What?

MI: What if your mother had decided to abort you?

MR: That’s a horrible thing to say! I value my life!

MI: Precisely. You had the chance to value your life. Your brother didn’t.

MR: But I am an actor. Who knows what my brother would have become. He might have been a murderer or a rapist or a Christian.

MI: But you had a chance to become an actor. You weren’t aborted.

MR: I don’t understand your point.

MI: You’re a moral idiot.

MR:  I’m actor.  I just play moral idiots in the movies.

And so ended my interview with the non-aborted Mark Ruffalo.

(34)

It’s all about staying underbudget.

Ernest Stavros Blofeld, regional director of the global criminal organization Spectre today fired his entire staff and replaced them with contractors.

“I don’t have to tell you that my project is expensive” said the criminal mastermind.

Hiring astrophysicists from NASA and Russia, buying rocket fuel, building rockets, hollowing out a volcano and building my headquarters, none of this is easy. As the regional director I’m up for a promotion. The eyes of the home office are on me. I keep getting emails from them complaining about going over budget and that my employees are getting too much overtime. What am I going to do? Something had to give. The home office wants the project under budget so I had to make some difficult decisions.

All support staff including I.T. were called into the secret underground meeting room and given their pink slips.  Exempted from the mass firing were the rocket technicians and astronauts.

I thought of letting them go too but it’s not like there are many astronaut temp firms. So I had to keep them. And their salary. Not a good solution but the best one at the moment.

To replace his former employers Blofeld signed an exclusive contract with World Dominators, a contacting firm catering to megalomaniacal madmen and media companies.

It’s a surprisingly good deal. Instead of having to pay all those salaries and more importantly, their health insurance, the contracting firm takes care of it for a flat fee. This should make the home office very happy.

Unhappy over their pink slips, the staff had to suffer the further indignity of having to train their contractor replacements.

A lot of the staff were grumbling. I understand. No one wants to train the person replacing them. But this is business. Nothing personal. In fact if you want to talk personal how about the staff? They leave work early every day and sneak off into town to drink and pick up the local Asian girls. Hey, I get it. Asian women are hot. With my unmatched musky heterosexual vibe

I am all man baby and I love women.

I often want to go to town and pick them up as well. But nothing detracts from the mission of dominating the world. And I can’t have my employees telling locals about my hideout. Now I have everyone coming here asking for tours. It’s distracting when you’re trying to maintain your secrecy. I’ve been told that this won’t be a problem with the new contractors.

The deal is not without problems however. World Dominators is under investigation for allegedly defrauding its contractors of wages.

I don’t care about any of that. All I know is expenses will be cut. Now I’m certain I’ll get a promotion. I just hope that James Bond guy doesn’t show up.

Damn you Mr. Bond. You have frightened my pussy!

 I find his toupee distasteful and he scares my pussy.

A spokesman for World Dominators has confirmed that they have signed a deal with Blofeld and refused to comment on the ongoing investigation against them.

(115)

Hollywood is racist! We need white people to show the way on this!

Hoping to end criticism that Hollywood is a racist and lily-white community, Danny Devito announced that he will be filming a biography of noted civil rights leader Martin Luther King, Jr.

Speaking about the Oscars, Devito said, “It’s unfortunate that the entire country is a racist country.”

So it’s an example of the fact that even though some great people have given some great performances in movies, they weren’t even thought about. We are living in a country that discriminates and has certain racist tendencies. So sometimes it manifests itself in things like this [the Oscar nominations] and it’s illuminated. But just generally speaking, we’re a bunch of racists.

Because of the Oscar controversy Devito felt he had to do something.

It was after the nominations were announced that I decided that I personally had to get involved. That’s why I am producing this movie on the most important black man in American history. But then I found out that a movie was already made about Ray Charles. So I’m making one about Martin Luther King Jr.

When word got out that a King biography was in the works, every black actor in Hollywood asked for the role. Many, including Kanye West auditioned. But in the end it was decided to give the role to George Clooney.

“I’m a proud liberal” declared Devito.

My entire life has been dedicated to liberal causes such as civil rights and gluten-free food. I’m proud to produce this film. And while many fine actors of color auditioned for the role I felt that George was the best man for the role. He’s been a friend of mine for years, we’ve worked together before and he’s very popular. He’ll bring people to the movie theaters. He’ll guarantee more money and that translates into Oscar nominations. This movie will be important to peoples of color but that doesn’t mean I want to work with them.

Set to play the role of King’s wife, Loretta Scott King is Julia Roberts.

She has worked with George before as well. She’s comfortable with him and she’s such a great actress that she’ll have no problem convincing people she’s black. Or at the very least Puerto Rican. Possibly Mexican or Honduran. But definitely brown. Or eastern European. Or Greek. But not Anglo.

To quell criticism of a non-person of color playing the role of a famous person of color Devito pointed out that this is common practice in Hollywood.

Actors often portray peoples of different nationalities. Mickey Rooney played an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Sean Connery played an Irishman in The Untouchables and most famously Leonard Nimoy played a Vulcan even though he wasn’t a Vulcan or even a black Vulcan. Though he could have passed as a brown Vulcan.

Regardless of the controversy Devito is confident his biopic of King will be nominated for many Oscars, including best actor.

And when George wins it will prove once and for all that black actors are accepted in Hollywood. Even though George isn’t black. Or even eastern European. But I think we can all agree he could possibly be brown.

The Devito-produced biography is set to begin filming in April.

(130)

I am not an animal, except in bed honey

Long used to being alone, the Elephant Man has seen a marked increase in his social circle thanks to speed dating.

“I got tired of spending Saturday nights alone” he said.

There are plenty of young available women at work. But I didn’t have any luck with them. I would try to talk them up at the water cooler but they weren’t interested. Some were cruel. Once girl said I had a big head. In fact HR called me into their office and told me to leave the girls alone, that they were disgusted by me. So anyway I saw an ad for speed dating and I thought “Why not?”

After paying the fee the Elephant Man, in his best suit, arrived.

I was a little nervous at first. And when I’m nervous I stutter and drool. And fart. But things went better than I expected. I got eight phone numbers. It looks like spending Saturday night alone is over for me. That’s good because my penis is totally normal. I have photos on my iPhone to prove it.

According to one of the women who gave him her number “I was not attracted to him at first but there was something about him.”

He wasn’t classically handsome, what with all the ridges and bumps. Swarthy like. Mediterranean almost. I like men like that. So we started talking and what I liked most about him was he wasn’t a creep. He didn’t mention sex. He said he just wanted companionship and was tired of being alone. He was very vulnerable and open. That’s a turn on. Plus he showed me the 600 photos of his penis that he had on his phone.  His penis looked normal. So he was swarthy, Mediterranean, vulnerable and had a normal penis. What woman can resist that?

Another woman who gave him her number was attracted by his cultured demeanor.

He mentioned that he liked opera. Usually when I meet men at these speed dating things they are all about their sports team or their car. But opera? Wow I was impressed.  I asked him if we could go to an opera sometime. He liked that idea. And then he showed me the photos of his penis that he had on his iPhone. It was totally normal! He’s an opera lover with a normal penis! What more can a woman ask for?

A third found him “dangerous and sexy.”

He wasn’t a pretty boy but he looked like a rocker. I’ve always been attracted to rock stars.  I used to be a groupie. I rode the bus on a sex chair. But anyway I gave him my number. We’re going to go to a rock concert next week. Just me, him and his normal penis. Yeah, he showed me the photos on his iPhone. He also had a lot of photos of Anthony Hopkins for some reason. That freaked me out a little but you know these rock and rollers.

As for the Elephant Man he is so excited about his new social life that he has quit his job.

“I was only there to meet women anyway. I think I’ll send the HR lady some photos of my penis just to show her what she could have had.”

(22)

It’s very complicated

Helen of Troy, wife of King Menelaus, current paramour of Paris and reportedly the most beautiful woman in the world has officially changed her Facebook status from “married” to “It’s complicated.”

“This has been coming for awhile” said a friend.

While she is technically still married to Menelaus she’s spent the past couple years in Troy, which is quite the happening town with a lot of nightlife, with her boyfriend Paris.  Sure it was an abduction.  At first. But have you seen him with his shirt off?

Have you seen my sex chair?

 She still has warm feelings for Menelaus but she has a very physical relationship with Paris. Very physical. I mean they even have a sex chair!

Menelaus, from his encampment in front of Troy, had this to say about his wife.

You know I’ve been here ten years trying to get her back.  Every time we come close the Trojans beat us back. I don’t even know why I try anymore. I thought we were happy and she runs off with this shirtless Paris fellow. I’m getting tired of waiting and should go home. But have you seen her with her shirt off?

Have you see me with my shirt off?

Just the thought of her shirtless keeps me here.  I really should have more self-control.  Fortunately the camp hookers are here to console me.

The other Greeks camped outside Troy concur.

“I would have gone home years ago” said Achilles.

But then Menelaus started telling me how Helen looked with her shirt off.  Gets a guy worked up it does. I’d like to see that.  Fortunately we have Odysseus.  Have you seen him with his shirt off?”

Agamemnon, the Greek commander-in-chief, has taken to urging his troops to think of nothing but Helen with her shirt off.

“Look this war has been going on for a long time” he said.

People are getting tired of it. We have a large peace contingent that camps out and plays drums all day while chanting “Make love not war.”  I don’t have to tell you that’s bad for morale. So it’s important that we end this war with a victory soon. That’s why I keep telling them to picture Helen with her shirt off.  Now they all want to tear down the walls of Troy and see for themselves.

With the possibility of a stalemate and sailing home to Greece without a victory, new tactics have been devised.

“I’m having my men build a hollow horse” said Odysseus.

Then we’d pretend to sail away, the Trojans will bring the horse inside the city walls and my men will come out at night, open the gates and the city will be ours. Oh there will be plenty of looting and pillaging and raping.  Especially the raping. The men can’t wait to see Helen with her shirt off.

As to where he got the idea of placing his men inside a hollow horse, Odysseus claims it came to him as he was riding along the surf.

“My horse looks damn fine without a saddle. I’ve ordered all my men to ride their horses bareback now. Have you ever seen a horse with its saddle off?”

(1474)

Do you have any change? For the meter, you know.

The 1960s were the glory years for rock groupies. Change was in the air.  Change in music. Change in morals.  Rock groups touring the country began to take advantage of young girls who wanted to sleep with them. What follows are the stories of two women, whom I shall name C.H.E and L.T. for privacy’s sake.

C.H.E was an ordinary high school student living with her parents when one day she received a call from a mutual friend.

“She told me that she had backstage passes to see a rock band and would I like to come” said C.H.E.

Well needless to say I forgot all about my homework and crawled out through my bedroom window. I didn’t know which group was playing. Someone famous I hoped. When we got to the concert it turns out it was the Pete Best Combo.  I never heard of them but we went backstage anyway.  I saw this guy looking at me. It was Pete Best himself.  He said he found me attractive and would I like to go back to his hotel room. Sure I said.  Nothing this exciting had ever happened to me before. Back in his room we both got naked and got onto his bed. I was a little nervous.  “This is my first time” I told him. Do you know what he said?  “Mine too. I never get groupies. Not like the Beatles do.” Then we had sex.  During the entire time he kept shouting “Say I’m better than Ringo!  Say it!” He would also change the rhythm of his thrusting. He’d speed up and slow down. Sometimes he would stop for no apparent reason. When he was finished he didn’t even offer me money for a cab to get home. “I’m on a tight budget” he said. “It’s not like I’m in the Beatles.”  He definitely had a chip on his shoulder.

L.T.’s experience with Pete Best was even worse.

“I have contacts in show biz” she said.

So it’s not unusual for me to meet a famous person. One day I was looking for Tiffany lamps for a client and who do you think walks up to me?  Pete Best!  “You’re very pretty” he said.  Then he asked if I would go back to his hotel room. I was flattered and said yes. What the hell. You only live once. We got outside the store and he hailed a cab. As we got in he asked me if I had money. Come on! You asked me to come back to your hotel. At least pay for the cab. So I told him that I wouldn’t pay. That’s when he got angry and said “If I were Ringo you’d pay for the cab! Well I’m better than Ringo!” Then he asked me a second time to pay. I refused and got out of the cab.  He got out as well and followed me down the street.  He was shouting at me, “Well excuse me for not being Ringo!”  People were looking at us so I had to taser him.  Left him on the sidewalk. The jerk.

Attempts to contact Pete Best for this article were unsuccessful. I did reach his voicemail though which advised me to “leave a message at the beep. Unless you’re Ringo. I don’t want to talk to you.”

Fifty years later and he’s still holding a grudge.

(48)