The new Barbie: realistic, inclusive and man-free

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the famous doll, Barbie. I want to thank Barbie for agreeing to be interviewed by me and I want to thank Mattel for not breaking my legs.

MI: Good afternoon Barbie. It’s a pleasure to have you here.

Barbie:Thank you. Do you have any cookies?

MI: No. Now let’s talk about you.  You look different.

Barbie: Figures. Men are so superficial.

MI:  No I just mean you look different than the classic Barbie of old.

Barbie: I am not here to be mentally raped by your gaze.

MI: What? No. Believe me honey I am not thinking of raping you. 

Barbie: Good because that would violate my safe space.  Do you have your consent forms?

MI:  Consent forms?  For what?

Barbie: In case you want to have sex with me. It’s okay but I have to consent verbally and in writing to each sexual act.

MI: Trust me. Sex with you is the farthest thing from my mind.

Barbie:Why? Is it because my body type does not fit your patriarchal notion of traditional female beauty?

MI: That’s a nice way of putting it.

Barbie: My body does not define me! The patriarchy does not define me! I demand that you have sex with me.  It is my right!

MI: No I’m not.  I can’t have sex with you.

Barbie: Why?  Why?  Why?

MI: For starters you’re fat.

Barbie: I’m not fat. This is a realistic body type. This body type will improve the self esteem of girls.

MI: Fat girls maybe.

Barbie:Why must you be so mean? Why can’t you love me?

MI: I just met you.

Barbie: I can cook.  I know Excel. I have a degree in marketing.  My body type does not define me.

MI: Yes I know you already said that.

Barbie: Please.  Please don’t go.

[Barbie starts crying]

MI: Um. There, there?

Barbie: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s my blood sugar level.  It’s out of balance. Do you have any cookies or donuts?  If I eat something I’ll be better.

MI: No. I have nothing for you. Look it was nice meeting you but I should go now.

Barbie: Promise you’ll call?

MI: Um.

Barbie: Give me the six digits of your phone number.

MI: Phone numbers are seven numbers long.

Barbie: Oh. Six, seven, what difference does it make.  Math is hard.

MI: Yeah, bye.

Barbie: Are you sure you have no cookies? Well then go.  Just go.  I don’t need you. I’m independent.  Independent and realistically big-boned.

Wow. Barbie sure has changed. She used to be hot. Now she’s an emotional wreck. But realistically big-boned.

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