My Exclusive Interview with Barbie

The new Barbie:  realistic, inclusive and man-free

The new Barbie: realistic, inclusive and man-free

Today at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I have the pleasure of interviewing the famous doll, Barbie. I want to thank Barbie for agreeing to be interviewed by me and I want to thank Mattel for not breaking my legs.

MI: Good afternoon Barbie. It’s a pleasure to have you here.

Barbie:Thank you. Do you have any cookies?

MI: No. Now let’s talk about you.  You look different.

Barbie: Figures. Men are so superficial.

MI:  No I just mean you look different than the classic Barbie of old.

Barbie: I am not here to be mentally raped by your gaze.

MI: What? No. Believe me honey I am not thinking of raping you. 

Barbie: Good because that would violate my safe space.  Do you have your consent forms?

MI:  Consent forms?  For what?

Barbie: In case you want to have sex with me. It’s okay but I have to consent verbally and in writing to each sexual act.

MI: Trust me. Sex with you is the farthest thing from my mind.

Barbie:Why? Is it because my body type does not fit your patriarchal notion of traditional female beauty?

MI: That’s a nice way of putting it.

Barbie: My body does not define me! The patriarchy does not define me! I demand that you have sex with me.  It is my right!

MI: No I’m not.  I can’t have sex with you.

Barbie: Why?  Why?  Why?

MI: For starters you’re fat.

Barbie: I’m not fat. This is a realistic body type. This body type will improve the self esteem of girls.

MI: Fat girls maybe.

Barbie:Why must you be so mean? Why can’t you love me?

MI: I just met you.

Barbie: I can cook.  I know Excel. I have a degree in marketing.  My body type does not define me.

MI: Yes I know you already said that.

Barbie: Please.  Please don’t go.

[Barbie starts crying]

MI: Um. There, there?

Barbie: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. It’s my blood sugar level.  It’s out of balance. Do you have any cookies or donuts?  If I eat something I’ll be better.

MI: No. I have nothing for you. Look it was nice meeting you but I should go now.

Barbie: Promise you’ll call?

MI: Um.

Barbie: Give me the six digits of your phone number.

MI: Phone numbers are seven numbers long.

Barbie: Oh. Six, seven, what difference does it make.  Math is hard.

MI: Yeah, bye.

Barbie: Are you sure you have no cookies? Well then go.  Just go.  I don’t need you. I’m independent.  Independent and realistically big-boned.

Wow. Barbie sure has changed. She used to be hot. Now she’s an emotional wreck. But realistically big-boned.


4 Responses

  1. petermc3 says:

    The bigger the cushion the better the pushing’. And why is it that only skinny little white guys on motorcycles and black men are attracted to fat white women?

  2. LSP says:

    That was pretty cruel of you to post this in the wake of Megyn Kelly’s victory in Iowa, Infidel.

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