A scene of workplace violence in occupied Palestine

Two Palestinian gunmen opened fired in a crowded restaurant in Tel Aviv, killing four and injuring sixteen.

As of this writing no motive has been discovered for the shooting. However police think that perhaps the gunmen were inspired by Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s war on Hispanics.

“We believe this explanation fits the facts” said an Israeli Defense Force official at the scene.

The Palestinians, as peoples of color, are a naturally peace-loving peoples. Why would they commit acts of violence?  Admittedly acts of violence against Jews enjoying their white privilege, but violence nonetheless. There can be only one explanation.  Donald Trump’s words inspired them. Donald Trump is a racist, we all know that. He revels in his racism and has committed hate crimes against the Mexican race. Perhaps these Palestinian gunmen were encouraged by this.  They knew this restaurant in Tel Aviv is a favorite with our Mexican population. They decided to come here to kill. I want to know what Trump has to say about this!

In America the Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton expressed solidarity with the Palestinian people and called upon Donald Trump to eschew heated racial rhetoric.

When these Palestinians opened fire in the restaurant not only were they victims but the entire Palestinian state were victims. We will not let the entire Palestinian race be blamed by the actions of two Republican Donald Trump supporters. What say you, Donald Trump? Do you take responsibility for this?  Were they acting on your orders? Answer these questions now. Americans demand to know.

New York City mayor Warren Wilhelm Jr. (stage name Bill de Blasio) has banned Donald Trump from coming to his city.

New York is the largest Palestinian city in the world. Most of our Palestinians are good people who live in peace as the prophet Muhammad tells them. We also have a large Mexican population, though they mostly ride our subways and entertain us by singing and playing the guitar. We don’t need Trump in our city firing up our peace-loving Palestinians with hatred of Mexicans. So stay out of our city, Mr. Trump. New York does not need you. And take your buildings and your real estate with you. New York does not need your industry.

Mayor Wilhelm, Jr. then ordered flags lowered to half staff in sympathy with the Palestinian people.

From his campaign headquarters, notorious and despicable racist Donald Trump denied any involvement in the shooting.

Neither I, nor anyone involved in my campaign had anything to do with this shooting and our sympathies go out to the Jewish people and their struggle against Palestinian terrorism.

Naturally no one believed the racist, especially since he used heated rhetoric by using the words “Palestinian terrorism.”

On behalf of all progressive Americans, President Obama announced that Trump’s tax returns for the past 35 years will be audited.

“As a good person, it’s the least I can do. Racists such as Trump do not deserve the protection of the law.”

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Oh, yeah, well, alright
We’re jammin’
I want to jam it with you

Pope Francis shocked the world today by announcing he is leaving the Catholic Church and converting to Rastafarianism.

“We should have known. The signs were all there” said a veteran Vatican watcher.

The trip to Jamaica. The love of Bob Marley. He kept visiting the Vatican library and asking for books on Haile Selassie. The pot smoking. His room was always filled with pot smoke. This was quite shocking for the Vatican. We haven’t had a pot smoking Pope since John XXIII. Most of the Cardinals are whiskey men.

Making the long-rumored conversion official, Pope Francis released the following statement to the press:

My friends. I have striven in my three years as the Bishop of Rome to always follow my conscience. Because of this I can no longer serve as your Pope. For I am a Rastafarian. Like all my fellow Rastafarians I worship one god, Ja. In my final act as Pope before resigning I ask all the world to come follow me into this beautiful and peace-loving religion. 

With the See of St. Peter once again vacant the Cardinals will begin converging in Rome for the conclave and many have begun to speculate on who will be the next Pope.

“Right now all we can do is pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit” said the Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin.

So we’re all going to be spending a lot of time in prayer. What we are looking for at the moment is a Cardinal who is around 70 years of age, in good standing and, most importantly, not a pot smoker. I don’t think the Catholic Church can survive another pot head. We thought of just asking Benedict if he wanted the job back but we decided against it. He’s 89 after all. Also he’s a big fan of Abba. Believe me, none of the Cardinals want to hear Dancing Queen, Fernando or Waterloo in the halls of the Vatican again. Right now anyone can become the next Pope.  Well, I’d rule out Dolan. He’s a big fan of Guns and Roses. Trust me, the last thing you want to see is Cardinal Dolan swinging his hips like Axl Rose and singing Sweet Child o’ Mine.

Religion watchers say Francis’ conversion is the most shocking event to occur since the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was seen carrying a bible.

“Who the hell knew he was a Christian” said a reporter.

The former Pope Francis, now going by his name of Jorge Bergoglio was last seen at the Leonardo da Vinci airport outside Rome buying a ticket to Jamaica.

When spotted by reporters Bergoglio smiled and said, “We’re jammin’ And I hope this jam is gonna last No bullet can stop us now We neither beg nor we won’t bow Neither can be bought nor sold We all defend the right Jah Jah children must unite!”

(52)

People of Earth, I am your friend!

With enough delegates to win the nomination, our country’s presumptive 45th President Hillary Clinton addressed her supporters after the California primary.

Flanked by her husband, the 42nd President Bill Clinton and their daughter Chelsea, Mrs. Clinton laid out her compassionate program for the future of America.

My fellow Democrats. I am now your nominee for President and you will forgive me if I speak bluntly. The universe grows smaller every day, and the threat of aggression by any group, particularly groups of armed white males, can no longer be tolerated. There must be security for all, or no one is secure.  There must be disarmament for all, or the State will not be secure.

Now, this does not mean giving up any freedom, except the freedom to act irresponsibly or believe there are only two genders. Also any freedom we at the State deem unnecessary. For that is the bargain of the Constitution. The State granted you citizens rights which we have the right to take away as circumstances dictate. Your ancestors knew this when they made laws to govern themselves and hired policemen to enforce them. We, of the other planets, I mean the State, have long accepted this principle.

We have an organization for the mutual protection of all peoples and for the complete elimination of aggression. It is called the NSA.  The test of any such higher authority is, of course, its moral authority. That is why the State must have all power. Its function is to patrol America and preserve the peace.

In matters of aggression, we have given the NSA absolute power over us. This power cannot be revoked. At the first sign of violence, they act automatically against the aggressor. As long as the aggressor is a white male of northern European origin who does not work for the State.

The penalty for provoking their action is too terrible to risk. The result is, we live in peace, without arms or armies, except for the State, secure in the knowledge that we are free from aggression and war.  Free to pursue more… socialist and compassionate enterprises.

Now, we do not pretend to have achieved perfection. Many white men are still armed and they refuse to worship the State. But we do have a system, and it works.

I came here to give you these facts. It is no concern of ours how you run your local governments, but if you threaten to extend your violence, this Earth of yours will be reduced to a burned-out cinder which only wind farms can save.

Your choice is simple: join us in the Democratic elite and live in peace, or pursue your present course and face obliteration. We shall be waiting for your answer. The decision rests with you.

Klaatu Barada Nikto!

And with those words Mrs. Clinton disappeared in a beam of light.

(18)

Linux is the way to go!

Lieutenant Commander Data of the Starship Enterprise announced that he has upgraded his positronic brain to Linux.

“I believe this will result in a faster, more efficient, more reliable me” said Data.

While my brain does contain 100,000 terrabytes of hard drive space, which is in and of itself a lot, I had to divide it over five partitions because of the built-in inefficiency of my Windows operating system. Strange that in the 24th Century Microsoft hasn’t overcome that obstacle. Next time I unfreeze Bill Gates I’ll ask him about that.

While Data’s brain was technically RAID 5 and in the event of hardware failure in one partition no data would be lost, Data still considered this inefficient.

I did a lot of research on alternative operating systems. The Klingons have an interesting system that I considered but I’d have to be beaten repeatedly with a bat-leth and pledge loyalty to the House of Worf, which I didn’t want to do. I then considered a Ferengi operating system but there was no warranty.  They said a warranty was against their rules of acquisition. So that’s when I decided to upgrade to Linux.

One a Red Hat license was bought Data backed up his existing data and began the upgrade.

I was a little surprised at first that there was no graphical interface. But I was told that was for security reasons. Even if I did a runlevel 5.  Okay, so I can respect that. Right now I’m boning up on my BASH scripting. This should be a piece of cake.

Once fully upgraded Data was amazed at how much more efficient he operated.

Under my old Windows system my brain would occasionally get fragmented, which led to performance issues and slower seek times. But with Linux I don’t have that problem. See, I can even use contractions now and I wasn’t able to do that with Windows!  The btrfs file system is the way to go!

The only complaint Commander Data has with his new OS is the reaction of others.

Whenever I tell anyone that I upgraded to Linux they ask me if I mean Unix. No, I mean Linux. No one knows the difference. Others now consider me a nerd. Commander Riker doesn’t share his Alpha quadrant porn collection, the most extensive in the galaxy, with me anymore because he says that as a nerd I wouldn’t appreciate it. Captain Picard keeps asking me if I’m Ubuntu or CentOS then he giggles. He thinks he’s being funny. I may be an android but I know bad humor when I hear it.

Still despite being shunned by his coworkers on the bridge of the Enterprise, Data has no plans to go back to Windows.

Linux is open source so I get upgrades to my kernel practically every week. That’s important to me. Not as important as pleasing Tasha Yar but close to it. Also I get to go to Linux conferences around the quadrant. It’s fun meeting people of my kind. No, not androids. Nerds.  I might as well embrace being a nerd. I’m wearing my nerd flag high as I believe they say.

Data also plans to upgrade his cat Spot

Spot you will be much more efficient with a Linux brain

to Linux at the earliest opportunity.

“That’s assuming her kitty brain can take the processing power.”

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The child gained entrance and was in danger from the musicians

Tragedy struck today as a distracted mother allowed her four-year old son to climb down into the orchestra pit of a theater, gaining access to the musicians.

“I heard a scream” said a person who was sitting near the pit.

Then the mother started crying, “My baby! He’s in the orchestra pit!”  We didn’t know what to do. People aren’t supposed to go into the pit because it’s dangerous. That’s why we called security.

As those close to the orchestra pit watched helplessly as the four-year old was picked up by a drummer and placed on his knees, security arrived and assessed the situation.

“We knew we had to take immediate action” said a security guard.

I mean sure, the drummer had the child on his lap and appeared to be playing with him. But I’ve been around musicians long enough to know that they can turn violent at any time. He could have literally torn the child apart. Or he might have attempted a 30-minute drum solo. And believe me no one wanted to hear that.

At first security considered using a tranquilizer on the drummer.

We ruled that out pretty quickly.  The tranquilizer could have taken up to a fifteen minutes to take effect and until then the drummer would have been groggy, confused and might panic. Actually that’s the default condition of drummers but the point is valid. If he panicked he might have harmed the child.

It was then that the decision was made to use lethal force.

This was not a decision we made lightly. That drummer was union after all. But we didn’t want to take any chances. The life of the boy was our first priority. Actually my first priority was hitting up the mother. But I figured if I saved her kid I’d have an in.

The drummer was shot three times. As security grabbed the child and brought him to safety the injured drummer became angry.

He kept yelling, “What the hell man?  You can’t shoot me. I’m Union!  I played with David Bowie for Christ’s sake.” He then gave me the finger before expiring.

Upon word of the drummer’s expiration protesters began to gather outside the theater.

“We got a call that hippies shouting, ‘Hey, Ho, the little boy has got to go’ were threatening theater goers as they left” said the chief of police.

We all felt badly that the drummer was killed but this is a law-abiding town and we don’t countenance hippies. So we gave them all tickets. We probably should have shot them all but I’m up for reelection and I don’t need controversy. I’ll shoot some hippies if I win.

A group calling itself “Justice for Drummers” has threatened to track down the mother and her son and occupy their front lawn.

The deceased drummer has been replaced by a drum machine.

“It’s cheaper and less unpredictable than a real drummer” said the theater president. “And the drum machine is non-union.”

(45)

Like Howard Johnson’s 50 flavors, New York City has many identity flavors to choose from

And now for the conclusion of my award-winning series highlighting Gotham’s 31 shades of gender. Read it and weep you hicks who live in towns with only two recognized genders.

• Two-Spirit

An Indian who self-identifies as a native American who self-identifies with both the masculine and feminine genders, as in “Hey, that Elizabeth Warren (pictured here)

United States senator Elizabeth Warren

sure is two-spirited!”

• A-Gender

An A-gender person does not identify with any of the 31 known genders. They feel they have no natural or known gender. A-Gender people are hard to notice at first. One must view their external genitalia. Once this is viewed it is appropriate to console an A-Gender person with a reassuring phrase such as “You got balls kid” or “You’re on the rag.”

• Third sex

I’m not quite sure what this is but it is different than third period sex, which is when most American teachers have sex with their students.

• Gender Fluid

That’s disgusting. I don’t want to see that. Get your gender fluid away from me and clean that up!

• Non-Binary Transgender

A non-binary transgender is a very confused person. They wish to change their sex but since their gender identity is neither male nor female they don’t know which sex to change to. Non-binary transgenders often end up attempting suicide or becoming Episcopalian priests.

• Androgyne

An androgyne is a person whose biological sex is not readily apparent. Sometimes they reject binary gender roles entirely. Previously these people were known as ugly lesbians.

• Gender Gifted

Another way to describe Kate Upton, who is very, very gifted.

This woman is extremely gender gifted

Extremely gifted. Well-gifted. God bless her ample gender gifts.

• Gender Blender

A gender blender is, I believe, what you stick your penis into during rough sex and/or dominatrix sessions. I myself have never experienced a gender blender. The closest I got was a gender hot wax treatment. But that was only because it was summer time and I wanted a smooth bikini line.

• Femme

A femme is a person who expresses or identifies with femininity, specifically through a queer and/or radically subversive political context. In other words, most of New York’s City Council.

• Androgynous

A person who may appear as and exhibits traits traditionally associated with male and female, or as neither male nor female or as in between male and female. People like this are particularly confusing to deal with at closing time in bars. I mean when I bought you that drink I was pretty sure you were binary female.

There you have it dear readers. A list of just some of New York City’s officially recognized genders. If I have missed any please feel free to let me know. And in the immortal words of Casey Kasem, “Keep your feet on the ground, keep reaching for the stars and don’t let your binary gender define you!”

I think that’s what he said. I should look into it but I can’t afford to hire a fact checker. Not a binary one anyway.

(409)

Like Howard Johnson’s 50 flavors, New York City has many identity flavors to choose from

Yesterday I started my list of the officially recognized 31 genders in New York City. Today I continue the list for you, my readers, because I care. (Okay, I drank a lot of pomegranate juice and I have to do something while I wait for my bowels to move.)

• Male to Female

A male to female (or MTF) is a person who was assigned a male sex at birth due to their penis but currently identifies as a female, lives as a woman or identifies as feminine. Some reject this terminology arguing that despite their penis they have always been female. We call these people “idiots.”

• Non-Op

I tried to find documentation on Non-Ops but found none. So I’m going to make it up. Non-Ops are people who refuse to play the board game “Operation.”  No doubt because they keep touching the side and making the patient’s nose light up.

You are a spaz!

When you see a Non-Op you should ruthlessly and cruelly remind them what a spaz they are.

• Hijra

Men who identify as women who identify as being from South Asia. Also known as the entire country of Thailand.

• Pangender

Peter Pan after he has shaved off his Adam’s apple and taken female hormones for a year.

Look at my binary penis!

But before he has fully transitioned (he still has his binary penis)

• Transsexual

Caitlyn Jenner, Thailand, most 1970s English glam rock bands and quite possibly legendary economist John Maynard Keynes. Men who identify as women, dress as women, act as women. Some still have their binary penis (these are called pre-op). Those who have had their penis amputated are known as “idiots.”  See male-to-female.

• Trans Person

Basically the same as a transsexual only uglier and with a chip on their shoulder. You wouldn’t even have sex with a trans person after eight pints. Not like you did with that transsexual who was almost passable but made you feel insecure because her binary penis was larger than yours. No nothing like that. And what do you mean you have pictures and I have to send you money or you’ll post them on the internet?

• Woman

An outdated binary gender representation used nowadays only by women over 65. These women have vaginas and have never experienced an orgasm, probably from the lack of a binary penis.

• Man

Another outdated gender identity used mainly by Republican men and gun nuts (but I repeat myself). These Republican gun nuts go to gun ranges and shoot weapons while smoking cigars and shifting their binary package in their pants. After leaving the shooting range they will rape a woman because that’s what men do. Note: This only applies to white men as men of color are better than that. And they are probably taking female hormones.

• Butch

A person, usually a woman with a binary vagina, who identifies as masculine, either physically, emotionally or mentally. These women, who have been cursed with a vagina, wish to free themselves from gender oppression by growing penises.  See: Hero who has experienced more oppression than slaves in the deep south before the civil war.

Tomorrow:  Part three.  Enjoy your self-identified gender!

(66)

Like Howard Johnson’s 50 flavors, New York City has many identity flavors to choose from

Ever in the forefront of the progressive movement, the New York City Commission on Human Rights has issued a list of 31 recognized genders businesses have to be aware of. Those who don’t accommodate a person’s chosen gender identity will risk six figure fines.

As a service to businesses in New York who want to be sensitive to people’s feelings (and not get fined) I now present this hand list of recognized genders.

• Bi-Gendered

A bi-gendered individual identifies as both genders or feels that he or she may have two separate genders residing in their body. Now this is assuming there are only two genders. Seeing as their are 31 genders those who self-identify as “bi” gendered are in fact racist, sexist homophobes. All true New Yorkers should be disgusted by the bi-gendered and spit on them when they see them.

• Cross Dresser

A cross dresser is of course a person who wears makeup and clothing that are considered appropriate for the other gender. Once looked upon favorably (see Milton Berle and David Bowie) cross dressing is now considered a hate crime since a cross dresser is a coward who refuses to go the extra mile by taking hormones and amputating external genitalia.  I spit on these despicable cross dressers.

• Drag King

A Drag King is a person who feels a connection to male or masculine identity while wearing masculine clothing, either in a performance space or everyday life.  (Editors note:  Holy shit I think I’m a Drag King!)

• Femme Queen

As near as I can figure out, a femme queen would be a queen who is female. This person is a femme queen.

A femme queen

This person is not a femme queen. 

Not a femme queen

• Female-to-Male

This is a controversial phrase. Many reject is because it implies only two possible gender choices and that the category female-to-male should be replaced by “Non penis-to-androgynous-to-gender blender-to-gender gifted-to-non binary transgender androgyne-to-gender fluid-to-two spirit-to-third sex-to-bi-gendered-to-butch.” We at the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ for editorial reasons will continue to use the phrase female-to-male as it means less to type.

• FTM

I believe FTM were the faster than light engines used on the TV show Battlestar Galactica from 2004 to 2010.  If so why it is considered a gender I do not know. I’ll have to research this issue further.

• Gender Bender

A gender bender is an individual who bends, changes, mixes or combines society’s gender conventions (Editor’s note:  They have their own conventions? What city is it held in? Who are they nominating for President?) by expressing elements of masculinity and femininity together.  See David Bowie. 

Americans are so bourgeois!

• Gender Queer

This is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity is outside of, not included within, or beyond the binary of male and female. Think of Disney’s courageous Gender Queer personality Goofy.

My external genitalia or lack thereof does not define me!

I will continue my listing of all 31 genders in future posts. Until then, do not let your external genitalia or lack thereof define you!

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I’m sorry. Oh so sorry.

Fresh off an appearance in Hiroshima where he apologized for dropping the bomb, President Obama continued his farewell apology tour by going to the continent of Antarctica and apologizing for climate change.

Standing in 30 below zero temperatures the President looked out at a frozen wasteland, a tear streaming down his face.

I stand here in the world’s largest desert.  A world that was once a temperate paradise. Below a two-mile thick sheet of ice lies frozen rivers, lakes and once green fields. But now Antarctica is as inhospitable to human life as Detroit or Chicago. All because of climate change. Republicans and other deniers of climate change need only come and stand where I am standing right now. They would no longer be able to deny the science. On behalf of the United States I apologize to the microbes of Antarctica for our role in climate change.  I also want to apologize for our treatment of the alien organism that crashed onto Antarctica, was frozen in ice pack for hundreds of thousands of years, was thawed out and attacked by citizens of the United States.

This innocent creature was thawed out and attacked by Americans

That is so typical of our country and the American desire for conquest. What did this creature ever do to us? Well he did snap that guys arms off but he was just protecting himself.  

This is the natural result of American aggression. It creates more enemies.

Perhaps if there had been some Muslims in that American group they would have welcomed the alien immigrant with arms open wide. Arms that would not have been snapped off.

Another innocent alien reacts to American aggression

Perhaps if our group in Antarctica weren’t composed of typical white folk the alien would not have felt threatened. This is the natural result of American aggression. It creates more enemies. If any aliens are listening I want them to know that in the final months of my Presidency they shall be welcome. In fact I am unilaterally declaring amnesty for all aliens in Antarctica who may have snapped off American arms.  So to recap. Climate change turned Antarctica from a temperate paradise to a frozen wasteland. I also want to apologize for American treatment of aliens. It’s racist. America is still trying to overcome its racist past and as events in Antarctica have shown we still have a ways to go. Thank you and good night.

His speech ended, the President boarded a chopper that took him to a nuclear powered air craft carrier off the coast. From there he plans to visit several other countries to apologize.

“I want the whole world to know how ashamed I am to be an American” said the President.

He then fundamentally transformed himself into an alien

President Obama fundamentally transforms himself

and ate the crew of the carrier.

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