Pope Francis Converts to Rastafarianism!

Oh, yeah, well, alright We're jammin' I want to jam it with you

Oh, yeah, well, alright
We’re jammin’
I want to jam it with you

Pope Francis shocked the world today by announcing he is leaving the Catholic Church and converting to Rastafarianism.

“We should have known. The signs were all there” said a veteran Vatican watcher.

The trip to Jamaica. The love of Bob Marley. He kept visiting the Vatican library and asking for books on Haile Selassie. The pot smoking. His room was always filled with pot smoke. This was quite shocking for the Vatican. We haven’t had a pot smoking Pope since John XXIII. Most of the Cardinals are whiskey men.

Making the long-rumored conversion official, Pope Francis released the following statement to the press:

My friends. I have striven in my three years as the Bishop of Rome to always follow my conscience. Because of this I can no longer serve as your Pope. For I am a Rastafarian. Like all my fellow Rastafarians I worship one god, Ja. In my final act as Pope before resigning I ask all the world to come follow me into this beautiful and peace-loving religion. 

With the See of St. Peter once again vacant the Cardinals will begin converging in Rome for the conclave and many have begun to speculate on who will be the next Pope.

“Right now all we can do is pray for guidance from the Holy Spirit” said the Vatican Secretary of State Pietro Parolin.

So we’re all going to be spending a lot of time in prayer. What we are looking for at the moment is a Cardinal who is around 70 years of age, in good standing and, most importantly, not a pot smoker. I don’t think the Catholic Church can survive another pot head. We thought of just asking Benedict if he wanted the job back but we decided against it. He’s 89 after all. Also he’s a big fan of Abba. Believe me, none of the Cardinals want to hear Dancing Queen, Fernando or Waterloo in the halls of the Vatican again. Right now anyone can become the next Pope.  Well, I’d rule out Dolan. He’s a big fan of Guns and Roses. Trust me, the last thing you want to see is Cardinal Dolan swinging his hips like Axl Rose and singing Sweet Child o’ Mine.

Religion watchers say Francis’ conversion is the most shocking event to occur since the Archbishop of Canterbury, Justin Welby, was seen carrying a bible.

“Who the hell knew he was a Christian” said a reporter.

The former Pope Francis, now going by his name of Jorge Bergoglio was last seen at the Leonardo da Vinci airport outside Rome buying a ticket to Jamaica.

When spotted by reporters Bergoglio smiled and said, “We’re jammin’ And I hope this jam is gonna last No bullet can stop us now We neither beg nor we won’t bow Neither can be bought nor sold We all defend the right Jah Jah children must unite!”


2 Responses

  1. Petermc3 says:

    Hus job will be raising free range chickens for the voodoo and santaria ceremonies. Sterr eet oop mon!

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