Like Howard Johnson’s 50 flavors, New York City has many identity flavors to choose from

And now for the conclusion of my award-winning series highlighting Gotham’s 31 shades of gender. Read it and weep you hicks who live in towns with only two recognized genders.

• Two-Spirit

An Indian who self-identifies as a native American who self-identifies with both the masculine and feminine genders, as in “Hey, that Elizabeth Warren (pictured here)

United States senator Elizabeth Warren

sure is two-spirited!”

• A-Gender

An A-gender person does not identify with any of the 31 known genders. They feel they have no natural or known gender. A-Gender people are hard to notice at first. One must view their external genitalia. Once this is viewed it is appropriate to console an A-Gender person with a reassuring phrase such as “You got balls kid” or “You’re on the rag.”

• Third sex

I’m not quite sure what this is but it is different than third period sex, which is when most American teachers have sex with their students.

• Gender Fluid

That’s disgusting. I don’t want to see that. Get your gender fluid away from me and clean that up!

• Non-Binary Transgender

A non-binary transgender is a very confused person. They wish to change their sex but since their gender identity is neither male nor female they don’t know which sex to change to. Non-binary transgenders often end up attempting suicide or becoming Episcopalian priests.

• Androgyne

An androgyne is a person whose biological sex is not readily apparent. Sometimes they reject binary gender roles entirely. Previously these people were known as ugly lesbians.

• Gender Gifted

Another way to describe Kate Upton, who is very, very gifted.

This woman is extremely gender gifted

Extremely gifted. Well-gifted. God bless her ample gender gifts.

• Gender Blender

A gender blender is, I believe, what you stick your penis into during rough sex and/or dominatrix sessions. I myself have never experienced a gender blender. The closest I got was a gender hot wax treatment. But that was only because it was summer time and I wanted a smooth bikini line.

• Femme

A femme is a person who expresses or identifies with femininity, specifically through a queer and/or radically subversive political context. In other words, most of New York’s City Council.

• Androgynous

A person who may appear as and exhibits traits traditionally associated with male and female, or as neither male nor female or as in between male and female. People like this are particularly confusing to deal with at closing time in bars. I mean when I bought you that drink I was pretty sure you were binary female.

There you have it dear readers. A list of just some of New York City’s officially recognized genders. If I have missed any please feel free to let me know. And in the immortal words of Casey Kasem, “Keep your feet on the ground, keep reaching for the stars and don’t let your binary gender define you!”

I think that’s what he said. I should look into it but I can’t afford to hire a fact checker. Not a binary one anyway.

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