Like Howard Johnson’s 50 flavors, New York City has many identity flavors to choose from

Yesterday I started my list of the officially recognized 31 genders in New York City. Today I continue the list for you, my readers, because I care. (Okay, I drank a lot of pomegranate juice and I have to do something while I wait for my bowels to move.)

• Male to Female

A male to female (or MTF) is a person who was assigned a male sex at birth due to their penis but currently identifies as a female, lives as a woman or identifies as feminine. Some reject this terminology arguing that despite their penis they have always been female. We call these people “idiots.”

• Non-Op

I tried to find documentation on Non-Ops but found none. So I’m going to make it up. Non-Ops are people who refuse to play the board game “Operation.”  No doubt because they keep touching the side and making the patient’s nose light up.

You are a spaz!

When you see a Non-Op you should ruthlessly and cruelly remind them what a spaz they are.

• Hijra

Men who identify as women who identify as being from South Asia. Also known as the entire country of Thailand.

• Pangender

Peter Pan after he has shaved off his Adam’s apple and taken female hormones for a year.

Look at my binary penis!

But before he has fully transitioned (he still has his binary penis)

• Transsexual

Caitlyn Jenner, Thailand, most 1970s English glam rock bands and quite possibly legendary economist John Maynard Keynes. Men who identify as women, dress as women, act as women. Some still have their binary penis (these are called pre-op). Those who have had their penis amputated are known as “idiots.”  See male-to-female.

• Trans Person

Basically the same as a transsexual only uglier and with a chip on their shoulder. You wouldn’t even have sex with a trans person after eight pints. Not like you did with that transsexual who was almost passable but made you feel insecure because her binary penis was larger than yours. No nothing like that. And what do you mean you have pictures and I have to send you money or you’ll post them on the internet?

• Woman

An outdated binary gender representation used nowadays only by women over 65. These women have vaginas and have never experienced an orgasm, probably from the lack of a binary penis.

• Man

Another outdated gender identity used mainly by Republican men and gun nuts (but I repeat myself). These Republican gun nuts go to gun ranges and shoot weapons while smoking cigars and shifting their binary package in their pants. After leaving the shooting range they will rape a woman because that’s what men do. Note: This only applies to white men as men of color are better than that. And they are probably taking female hormones.

• Butch

A person, usually a woman with a binary vagina, who identifies as masculine, either physically, emotionally or mentally. These women, who have been cursed with a vagina, wish to free themselves from gender oppression by growing penises.  See: Hero who has experienced more oppression than slaves in the deep south before the civil war.

Tomorrow:  Part three.  Enjoy your self-identified gender!

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