I love school!

Local resident Charlie Brown shocked the town today by announcing that he has married his teacher.

“From the first moment she said “wa wa wa” to me I was in love” said the smitten ten-year old.

It’s like we had our own private language. No one has ever understood me like her. She asked me to stay after class one day to clamp her erasers and the electricity between us could not be denied.

The two were cautious at first, knowing that many in the town would disapprove of their love and resorted to meeting in secret.

We used to go to my home because for some reason my parents were never home. We’d go to my room, read poetry, talk about our feelings and then one day it became physical. We both wanted it. I was hesitant at first because my testicles haven’t fully descended but she gently said “Don’t worry. My touch will make you a man.”

Once the relationship became physical they wore out each other.

We would have sex five, six times a day. I’m the luckiest boy in school!  I get good grades, I’m in love with my teacher and she lets me touch her boobies.

As for Charlie Brown’s teacher, she says she was drawn to how mature and artistic he was for his age.

He wrote me this poem called “Why does Lucy never let me kick the ball”  It went like this:

I saw the best minds of my generation

Destroyed by Lucy and her football

Lucy pulled the ball away again 

and I landed on my spine

I should kill the bitch

I’ve never read anything like this. It was like a cross between Ezra Pound and Allen Ginsberg. I saw it as the Howl of Charlie’s generation.

Wishing to make their relationship official the couple were married in the Church of the Great Pumpkin by Charlie’s close friend, Linus.

“It had everything I always imagined a wedding would have” said Charlie.

We had liturgical dance, puppets and a jazz rock classical fusion piece courtesy of Schroeder. Even Peppermint Patty was there. I was worried she wouldn’t show up since she was in love with my teacher as well. We got married in a forward thinking church with a forward thinking minister presiding over a forward thinking liturgy.

The two went to a Burger King for their reception before crossing the state line.

Technically what we are doing is a felony. But I don’t care. I love my teacher. And her boobies. I will be with her forever, or until I turn 13 and go to middle school, whichever comes first.

The school district that Charlie Brown went to and met his wife has issued the following statement:

While we discourage our teachers from sleeping with their students whenever possible we also recognize that times are changing. Love is love. We wish Charlie Brown and his teacher nothing but happiness.

As Charlie Brown left his friends to cross the state line he couldn’t contain his enthusiasm for the future.

“She says she can’t wait until I get hair on my pubes and she can teach me freaky stuff. I think she means trigonometry.”

(70)

Respect the eye patch!

The Special Executive for Counter-Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge and Extortion (Spectre) suffered a debilitating blow when their second in command, Emilio Largo, quit to form his own company.

Sources say that Largo had been unhappy for some time with Spectre’s command structure and saw no hope of advancement.

“He really felt that he should have been number one and in charge of Spectre” said a source who wishes to remain anonymous.

When he joined Spectre the leadership was supposed to rotate. Largo assumed that he would get a chance to head Spectre. Instead Stavro Blofeld took control and never relinquished it.This was very frustrating for Largo. He felt that with his background he was the most evil person in the world.  I mean he had an eye patch. Have you ever met anyone with an eye patch who wasn’t evil? I mean besides Moshe Dayan?

As for Largo, he has created a startup evil organization centered on financial crimes and pizza.

“My organization will mainly be committing white color financial crime using the internet” he told reporters at a press conference launching his organization.

This will differentiate is from Spectre which, while undoubtedly evil, has a large overheard, is cumbersome and rooted in 20th century crime models. My organization will be totally modern and cutting edge. And most exciting of all we will also be making pizza! I used to make pizza when I was a child back in Italy. It was a secret family recipe that everybody in the town loved. If all goes according to my business model we will corner the pizza market in America. And we’ll use the financial crimes to finance it. It’s a truly evil plan. Because I am evil. The eye patch proves it. Have you ever known anyone who had an eye patch and wasn’t evil?  I mean besides Moshe Dayan? 

On CNBC’s Squawk Box hosts Becky Quick and Joe Kernan hailed Largo for his vision.

“He’s taking a big chance” said Quick.

But if he can modernize evil, bring evil into the 21st century, and make delicious pizza not only will he be remembered for his contribution to evil but also for his contribution to pizza. 

“This is true” countered Kernan.

Evil need to be refreshed from time to time. I mean we in the media can only do so much to move evil forward. We depend on civilians. Evil civilians. And this fellow Largo is evil. Look at his eye patch. Have you ever known anyone who wore and eye patch who wasn’t evil? Besides Moshe Dayan?

Largo’s new organization called “Evil Hut” will be opening franchises in several states in the Midwest and plans to expand to the entire continental United States next year.

“Come for the pizza. Stay for the identity theft” will be its slogan.

(52)

All that planning for shit? What the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Auric Goldfinger, 42-year old expatriate from Riga Latvia, the richest man in England and treasurer of the Soviet counterintelligence agency SMERSH, expressed amazement and anger that the United States has abandoned the standard.

“It just makes no sense” he told his operatives.

To base your entire economy on a currency that is not backed in gold is just asking for trouble. It’s going to lead to inflation and devaluation of the currency.  Mark my words by 2020 the currency will be worthless. I mean what the hell is a fiat currency anyway?

Sipping a mint julep on his farm in Kentucky, Goldfinger became increasingly agitated as he warmed to his subject.

Of course I have selfish reasons for wanting governments to keep the gold standard. My wealth is based on gold. I’m obsessed with it. I even have gold-bound erotic photographs. I love gold. That’s why I came up with Operation Grand Slam. You see all I want to do is explode a nuclear device at the Ft. Knox repository. Then all the gold will become radioactive and useless. The value of my gold reserves will increase and I will become the most  powerful person in the world. Even more powerful than Arthur Burns, the head of the Federal Reserve. I mean I spent years planning this. Years. And now Nixon goes all fiat on me. 

Goldfinger then threw his mint julep against the wall.

Goddamn Nixon. The EPA was bad enough but a fiat currency?  That’s going to lead to federal budget deficits and increase our debt into the billions. Billions! Jesus. All that planning. Operation Grand Slam is useless now. What the point of poisoning the gold supply at Ft.Knox?  What’ the point of my gold? Useless. Useless.  Now I know how John Wilkes Booth felt.

Goldfinger put his head in his hands and wept.

You know it would all be worth it if only my personal pilot, Pussy Galore, 

Why won’t Goldfinger believe I’m a lesbian?

would return my love. I don’t know why she won’t. I’ve given her gifts. Real gold. But she won’t let me touch her. Why not? I’m man. All man. Just let me touch you. I’m so lonely. All I have is gold. She tells me she’s a lesbian but I don’t believe her. Women always tell me that. Well if she won’t give me what I want I’ll get it from my manservant OddJob. This just too much. Well Nixon is going to hear from me!

From the White House, President Nixon responded to Goldfinger’s criticisms.

Auric Goldfinger is important to the Republican party and we need his support. Nevertheless we need to abandon gold. This will loosen the dollar, we can print more and inflation will lower.

As for Goldfinger, he plans a not-so-subtle protest.

“I’m going to have ‘Yes to the Gold Standard’ tattooed on my ass. Then maybe Pussy will like me.”

(17)

Look at Spock’s face. It’s evil. He’s a cheater!

Spock, first officer of the Starship Enterprise, and 3-D chess champion of Star Fleet, has addressed long-standing rumors about his success.

“I cheat” said the highly-decorated Vulcan.

I’ve been cheating since I started playing. Cheating is fascinating and flawlessly logical. The humans place great emphasis on winning. I realized pretty early on if I was going to have any stature or respect among these racist humans I was going to have to win. So i started cheating. With my knowledge of math combined with the illogicality of humans it was easy. 

Confirmation of Spock’s cheating has riled his fellow crew members.

“Why that green blooded son of a bitch” said Chief Medical Officer Leonard “Bones” McCoy

He’s been playing me for a fool all these years. All this time he’s been crying racism. Poor Vulcan oppressed by humans. So I felt sorry for him. Even when i was playing chess with him I suspected something was up. I didn’t want to accuse him of cheating because I felt sorry for the pointy-eared son of a bitch. And I wanted to be nice. But not any more. This old country doctor is going to confront him.

You green-blooded cheating son of a bitch!

I’m going to give him a piece of my mind and I don’t care if he thinks I’m being illogical. The next time he needs a blood transfusion I might give him Klingon blood. Hey, shit happens. I’m just a illogical, error-prone human.

Apparently the only officer who knew of Spock’s cheating was communications officer Uhuru.

“I was in on it” she said.

Spock and I have a spiritual and physical connection. Vulcans are so sexy! Anyway whenever Spock plays Kirk he has me sashay around in my tight uniform. It distracts Kirk. He starts to sweat and cannot concentrate.

Look at this Kirk. You’ll never have it.

He deserves it. Sexist pig is always asking me to go to his quarters for “inventory.” We know what that means. I’d accuse him of sexual harassment but Star Fleet is still a boys’ club. The crap I have to put up with! This sister has had enough. Spock is the only man who respects me.

Despite the friction on the Enterprise caused by Spock’s admission of cheating, Captain Kirk is prepared to forgive him.

Spock is my first officer” said Kirk.

I owe him some loyalty. I just can’t have him replaced. I’ll talk to him privately and tell him that while cheating is logical and everyone does it, hell I cheated on the Kobayashi Maru simulator, humans still get upset when you admit to it. Besides, I owe him my life a dozen times over. Isn’t that worth a career?

Meanwhile Spock and Uhura, both vacationing on the pleasure planet of Risa have no intention of changing their ways.

“F*ck them all” Spock said as Uhuru sat on his lap.

“Humans are beneath me. As Uhuru will be shortly.”

(54)

The starship Enterprise in orbit around the planet Vulcan

In a vote that was closely watched throughout the galaxy, the planet Vulcan today executed its long-threatened “Fed-Exit” and left the United Federation of Planets.

The vote was close but logical with 52.5 percent voting to leave the Federation, 46 voting to remain and 1.5 percent voting to experience a “never-ending” pon farr until their testicles explode.

From his office in Paris, France, planet Earth, the president of the Federation lamented Vulcan’s vote.

“This is a sad day for everyone” he told reporters.

The United Federation of Planets believes in the universal values of liberty, rights and equality for all species.Vulcan was a valued member of the Federation. I beg Vulcan to reconsider and look back on the mystic chord of memory of our past shared association. It is not too late. Repudiate the vote and rejoin us!

Despite the plea Vulcan shows no signs of repenting of its vote. Indeed many on the planet are sick of the regulatory infrastructure of the Federation and how it stifled the economic life of Vulcan.

“All I want to do is sell Idaho potatoes” said one Vulcan grocer.

Vulcans love potatoes. It’s a logical food. But when we joined the Federation some earthling showed up with a 200-page manual of regulations on the proper method of displaying potatoes. I read it but was amazed at its lack of logic and consistency. So he tells me I cannot sell Idaho potatoes anymore. This put me out of business. If I ever see him again he’s getting the Vulcan neck pinch on his balls.

Another source of tension between Vulcan and the Federation is the Federation’s insistence that Vulcan take dramatic measures to end climate change.

“Utterly unscientific nonsense” said T’Pau,

Vulcan for Vulcans!

the only Vulcan ever to turn down a seat on the Federation Council.

This is Vulcan. We are close to our Sun. Much closer than Earth is. Hot as Vulcan. Isn’t that the saying. And yes, our air is thin. But the air is the air. What can be done? We don’t need nor appreciate Earthlings meddling in our climate.

Vulcan had recently outlawed 100 watt light bulbs at the insistence of the Federation to combat climate change. Vulcans had a hard time adjusting to the new dim and environmentally friendly bulbs imported from Earth.

This led to the embarrassing incident where Ambassador Sarek

Give me 100 watt light bulbs any day!

signed away Vulcan’s underground mineral rights to the Federation.

“It was so damn dark I couldn’t see the document” said Sarek.

I didn’t know what I was signing. The Earthers told me it was a treaty of friendship. I know it was illogical to sign a document I haven’t read but I trusted them. Not any more. Now I spit on any Earther I see.

With the vote to leave the Federation, Commander Spock,

I will build a wall and force Romulus to pay for it

a strong proponent of leaving the Federations, has resigned his commission in Star Fleet and will travel back to Vulcan to run for President of the High Council.

“I want to make Vulcan great again” he said.

(92)