The values of the United States are not the values of The Republic of California!

Dateline, California, December 2018

Official statement of Governor Jerry Brown on the results of California’s plebiscite to secede from the United States.

My fellow citizens of the newly-independent Republic of California.

Mis conciudadanos de la recién independizada República de California

Since the election of Donald Trump two years ago our state has been in crisis. Do we accept the results of the racist electoral college?

Do we really want undereducated white people from Montana and Kansas telling us who will be our next president?

¿Realmente queremos que la gente blanca de Montana y Kansas nos diga quién será nuestro próximo presidente?

Our country, our progressive values are threatened by those majority white states.

I’ll say it again. Our values are threatened by those majority white states.

Estados blancos mayoritarios

The values of the California are not the values of the United States.

Except for debt. We have a lot of that.

Trump said he would make America great again. The Republic of California has always been great.

La República de California siempre ha sido genial.

We have over 31 recognized genders in our Republic. That’s the most anywhere on the globe.  Our restaurants now have all built 31 separate restrooms for these genders.  Do the majority white states of middle America do this?

This is just one of the many reasons we must form our own country.

Now there are those who say this isn’t practical. There are those who say that the United States will forcibly take us back into the Union.

I say let them try. 

Oh sure we have over 800 miles of coastline to defend and no navy to do it with.

But what we do have is the moral superiority of a majority Spanish speaking peoples.

Lo que sí tenemos es la superioridad moral de la mayoría de los pueblos de habla hispana.

My Chicano friends will use their special Latino wisdom to fight the guns of the white man.

Mis amigos chicanos usarán su especial sabiduría latina para luchar contra las armas del hombre blanco.

And yes, we are a Republic deeply in debt and dependent on Washington DC’s money to keep us going. We have rolling brownouts. Droughts because we haven’t built a new reservoir in almost 100 years.

But none of this matters.

Why?  

Because this is what we do have, besides lots of Hispanics.

We have Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, Rob Reiner, Mark Ruffalo, Madonna and everyone else in Hollywood who are just as outraged and repulsed by American values as we are.

And with Hollywood on our side we cannot lose.

I mean sure, we may have the crap bombed out of us but I and everyone in Hollywood will survive in our underground bunkers.

As for our majority latinos? They will unfortunately probably die in the bombing.

Te agradezco por tu sacrificio

I thank you for your sacrifice.

The sacrifice that will allow the Republic of California to survive.

This is my last message before entering my underground bunker.  

But before I go I’d just to say to my latino friends:

Not all of you will die.  I have a Hispanic maid.  She will follow me into my underground bunker. She will survive.

Long live the Republic of California!

¡Larga vida a la República de California!

Oh, and sorry about all the bombing you will have to endure.

Siento todo el bombardeo que tendrás que soportar!

Gracias!

(8)

White people should not sing this song!

A local man has been arrested and charged with cultural appropriation after trying to start a sing-a-long of Feliz Navidad at his office holiday party. Sources report that the man, a low-level employee at his company, shocked his fellow employees with his aborted sing-a-long attempt to the point that several had to seek refuge in a company-designated safe space.

“I was having a good time at the party” said a female administrative assistant.

Up until that point the party had been bland and inoffensive. Perfect really. They were handing out prizes and participation trophies for those who gender identity is non-binary. We even had a couple gay men discuss how Santa is homophobic. Like I said, the party was bland, perfect and progressive. But then this white man, who should know better, tried to sing that song! Everyone stopped talking and looked around nervously. Was this part of a white backlash? Was it the beginning of a race riot?

As the clueless white alt-right conservative continued to try to get his coworkers to incriminate themselves in his sing-a-long, a member of the HR sensitivity training team was summoned.

“I sensed rage. Rage, anger and fear in the room” she said.

I knew I was sitting on top of a powder keg and it was my job to diffuse the situation. I herded the shocked co-workers to other rooms where they could cool off from their understandable righteous outrage. I then approached the alt-right white man and gently as possible asked him if he was under-educated. He didn’t understand the question so I guess the answer was yes. I then asked him if he was conscious of the pain, suffering and oppression that Mexicans and all Hispanics suffer every day? He tried to get smart with me and said, “How can Hispanics be oppressed? They are a majority in this country.” Well that did it. By the authority granted me I suspended him without pay on the spot and had security remove him from the building. I then invited everyone back from their safe spaces and we all recited the core principles of Kwanzaa.  The crisis was averted thanks to some quick thinking, progressive values.

As for the suspended employee, his life has bottomed out.

Informed as to her husband’s alt-right political views, the employee’s wife booted him out of the home they shared, changed the locks and filed for divorce.

The HR sensitivity leader then contacted the FBI, who proceeded to put him on a anti-government terrorist watch list.

“We kept him under surveillance” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

But we had no proof that he was a terrorist at first. But then he went to a hockey game. Who goes to hockey games? White people. That’s who. I mean I’m white and I’ve never gone to one. But then again I’m not under-educated. We assume the crowd at these hockey games are filled with alt-right types discussing how they want to overthrow our government. That’s when we arrested him.

Charged with conspiracy, the man was transported to a federal prison awaiting his trial.

Despite the overwhelming evidence against him he remains defiant.

“I just like the song. That’s all” he told his interrogators.

Fortunately for America, the FBI agents do not believe the under-educated alt-right conspirator.

(289)

The Borg do not follow trends!

The Borg Collective, in a last-ditch attempt to subdue Earth, have denied they have any affiliation with the so-called “steampunk” movement.

“The Borg Collective does not follow trends” said the Borg Queen.

I mean sure, we did go through a punk rock phase awhile back. And before that we had a hippie phase. And before that we divided into mods and rockers. And before that many Borg were bobby-soxers (we Borg believe in non-binary gender equality). But we have not, will not, become steampunk.We are ruthless assimilaters of entire quadrants of the universe but we are not nerds. We owe our success to being trendy and stylish. But not nerdy. Hence, we are not steampunk.

So desperate are the Borg to shake the steampunk label that the first wave of Borg to arrive on Earth were decked out in dockers and business casual dress shirts.

We thought this look would help us blend in and facilitate assimilation of your planet. It might have worked too but one of our collective ended up in a steampunk bar in Brooklyn and he became assimilated. Damn fool. Soon our entire first wave was going steampunk. That’s when our fortunes started to be reversed and the humans rejected us. Once we stopped being cool, as you humans put it, they just started laughing at us and not taking us seriously.  I guess it makes sense. Who wants to be assimilated by a nerd?

Confined to their spaceship in orbit around Earth for fear of being beaten up by humans, the Borg debated a new strategy to conquer humanity.

We thought that maybe, just maybe if we captured an earther and assimilated him he could become the “face” of the Borg and ease the transition. So we captured an English actor, Patrick Stewart,

I am English. And bald. But cool.

and assimilated him.  Well that didn’t work out as expected. No one told us that the English haven’t been cool since they burned down Washington DC during the war of 1812. And, as expected, he went to a steampunk bar in Brooklyn and ruined our f*cking plan. He actually wet his finger, rubbed it on a woman and said, “Let’s get those wet clothes off you.” Plus I think he had a few too many. After the steampunk bar he wandered around until he found a lesbian bar. He walked in and said, “I am Locutus of Borg. Prepare to be penetrated. And you’ll like it this time.”  He was lucky to get out of Brooklyn alive. So to recap: English aren’t cool. Steampunk English are really not cool. Drunk steampunk English get the crap beaten out of them.

Effective immediately all Borg have been banned from visiting any steampunk bars in brooklyn. Violators will be sold to the Ferengi.

Now you want to talk about nerds. The Ferengi are the biggest nerds in the galaxy. No Borg wants to have anything to do with them. So that punishment alone will keep them out of Brooklyn.

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Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News Breaking News 

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The Steampunk Association of America has denied any relation to the Borg.

“That’s not us man” said their president.

“The Borg are nerds. Granted, not as nerdy as a blogger who writes about steampunk and Star Trek in the same post. I mean who does that?  Probably some really big nerd who hasn’t been laid in years.”

(81)

I have a lot in common with Fidel Castro: We both hate America and don’t know our ass from a hole in the ground

In the week since the rise into eternal socialist life of Cuban leader Fidel Castro many have praised him.

Perhaps no eulogy has been as heart-felt as soclalist, oppressed victim of color and backup quarterback for the San Francisco 49ers, Colin Kaepernick.

“Fidel has done so much for the Cuban people” said the rarely used backup quarterback.

One thing that Fidel Castro did do is they have the highest literacy rate because they invest more in their education system than they do in their prison system.  Literacy is important. Not everyone can grow up to be a rarely-used backup quarterback making 20 million a year in the NFL. I myself read at an 8th grade level. But I have football. Cubans do not have football. Which is why they need literacy. Literacy is important. They can read books while in prison awaiting execution.

The brave, 19 million a year socialist intellectual and backup quarterback then went on to discuss the difference between the United States and Cuba: the oppression of peoples of color and the breaking up of families.

We do break up families here. That’s what mass incarceration is. That was the foundation of slavery. So our country has been based on that as well as the genocide of Native Americans. You know Native Americans were socialists. They held all property in common. That’s why the capitalist Americans oppressed them. They don’t break up families in Cuba. When one member goes to jail, they all go to jail.

Kaepernick then went on to talk about  how he plans to use his remaining time as a football player to honor Castro.

Socialism is all about equality. Socialism is all about redistribution. Therefore whenever I am playing, and granted as a back up quarterback making 19 million that’s not often, I plan to use my football skills to help the opposing team score as much as we are. I know that may shock many of our fans but our fans must realize that there is more to life than winning. Like in Cuba. No one is winning in Cuba. Everyone shares the same poverty. Equality. It’s a hallmark of socialism.

During the off season Kaepernick plans on living in Cuba.

It’s a socialist worker’s paradise. I am a worker. A 19-million a year worker. I look forward to being surrounded by brothers and sisters of color living a life free from capitalism. That is Fidel’s gift to his people. I’ve been told to bring toilet paper since there is a shortage on the island, probably from US embargoes. Capitalist pigs!

He then closed his press conference by once again praising Castro.

“The man was color blind and did not oppress peoples of color. At least the ones he didn’t put in jail. But they were probably capitalists.”

(22)

We may never know his motives.

On Monday the campus of Ohio State was shaken when a student, for reasons we may never know, ran his car into students before being shot by a white man.

“We are all shocked and saddened by this” said an official at Ohio State.

We have absolutely no idea what his motives could be. But I must stress that we not rush to judgement. Perhaps he was upset over the presidential election results. Perhaps he was upset over the institutional racism of white America. Perhaps he was distressed that free healthcare will now be a thing of the past thanks to the Republicans. But no matter what his motives may have been I think we can all agree on one thing: Hillary Clinton won the popular vote and therefore should be president. The Electoral College is racist.

Students at Ohio State who were in the path of the suspect’s car were treated for stab wounds, injuries as the result of being run over by a car and institutional white racism.

“The victims are all being treated” according to a spokesman at a nearby hospital.

They are all in a state of shock, as you can imagine. We are treating their injuries as best we can. We have set up safe spaces in the hospital where the victims can play with teddy bears and stuffed dolls and talk about their feelings. Many are frightened of what else a conservative white person might do to them. We are trying to calm them down and instill in them their own guilt for being complicit in the racist system of the under-educated white man. Oh, and yeah, some of them have stab wounds. We’ll treat those.

The unjustly-shot suspect, Abdul Razak Artan, was an OSU student who feared for his life because of white backlash after the Donald Trump election. He had recently posted on his facebook page the following:

I am sick and tired of seeing my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters being killed and tortured EVERYWHERE … I can’t take it anymore. America! Stop interfering with other countries … [if] you want us Muslims to stop carrying lone wolf attacks.

The FBI, which has been called in to investigate the case are at a loss as to what this post might mean.

“Our current theory is that his Facebook page was hacked” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

He was a Muslim after all. And Islam is the Religion of Peace. I’m sure a practitioner of this religion would not make threats. Unless they deserved it. Or were non-believers. In any event we at the FBI are confident we can place the blame squarely where it belongs: On Tea Baggers or Donald Trump supporters. It’s just like a Trump supporter to try and frame a person of color.

As for the unfortunate and framed Abdul Razak Artan, he was shot dead by a white officer. That officer has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation of his racism.

Governor John Kasich of Ohio has announced that he has asked the Federal government to send him more Somali refugees.

“We must fight racism wherever we can”said the governor.

(26)

I am an artist!

Every year in the weeks leading up to Halloween local resident William Fletcher can be seen in his studio, hunched over a bunch of pumpkins, furiously carving away.

“I’m an artist and this is my art” he will tell anyone that listens.

Every year I carve thousands of pumpkins into all shapes, sizes and designs. I’m proud of my art. I have thousands of pumpkins. Thousands. Would you like to buy some? Okay how about one? Just one? Please mister buy some pumpkins. They are starting to rot and I’m running out of room in the basement. It’s my wife’s house you see. She bought it. She has a job. A good one. She pays all my bills.  She’s very tolerant of my art you see. She believes in me and my artistic ability. I mean oh sure sometimes she drops subtle hints like “Why don’t you get off your ass and get a f*cking job” but I know that she’s just stressed from work. I don’t want to get political but what sort of cruel capitalist society expects people to earn a living?

The local pumpkin carver admits that carving pumpkins was not his first foray into the arts.

I tried being a writer. I wrote a few plays, books, short stories and poetry but every teacher who saw my writing would just shake their head and say, “This is shit. You really suck. You have no talent.” But I forgave them all. Living in a cruel capitalistic society such as America they were forced to earn a living at teaching rather than being paid to write. Socialist countries do that you know. We could learn a lot from them.

Stymied by the jealousy of his instructors he then turned to music.

I formed a band with a friend of mine who is a lawyer. But he lost his license because he was always showing up drunk to court. Shame really. I was depending on the money he made to pay for our instruments. Hey look, he had a job so he was the business side. I was the artistic side. We got a few gigs but everyone kept telling us that we sucked and had no talent. They were jealous and just wanted us to fail. Capitalism does that. It destroys people. If only we would adopt the socialist system that Europe has.

Unable to make a living as a musician he finally picked up sculpting.

Michelangelo is my hero. That man was talented. He could carve anything. Shame he lived in the capitalist and superstitious middle ages where he had to carve for benefactors rather than himself. But I wanted to follow in his footsteps. But marble is hard to carve so I turned to pumpkins. You know not just anyone can carve pumpkins. It’s a very exclusive club. Okay so I bought a book on how to carve pumpkins. Shame that a capitalist society like America forces pumpkin-carving artists to shill their wares online instead of paying them to teach their art. But I digress. Now I’m a pumpkin carver. I’ve found my artistic vocation. I mean sure I haven’t sold any yet. Most people who look at my pumpkins just laugh and tell me I suck. But I’m confident I will finally sell one. I hope I do. My wife says that If I don’t start pulling my weight she’ll throw me out. I should have never ratified our relationship with the so-called marriage bond. It’s so bourgeois. But yeah, I have to sell some. Now. I don’t want to get thrown out on the street. She makes lots of money and it’s a nice house.

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UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE UPDATE

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Local, talentless would-be pumpkin carver William Fletcher has been thrown out of the house he was living in with his wife after being unable to sell any of his pumpkin carvings and was last spotted living under a bridge.

“My wife is such a capitalist pig! Imagine throwing me out! One day she’ll be sorry. Boy it’s cold out here. Climate change you know. Capitalism destroys the environment too!”

(56)

#turkeylivesmatter

With millions preparing to travel for the Thanksgiving holiday, many will find themselves inconvenienced by the growing militancy of #Turkeylivesmatter.

“I started my commute a few days earlier” said one man who was travelling by car.

I wanted to beat the Wednesday evening rush so I left home on Tuesday. I had only gone a few miles when I came upon my first group of turkeys.  They had blocked the highway. Some were jumping up on cars and shitting on the windows. I’m pretty sure I saw a few carrying knives. I made the mistake of getting out of my car so i could see if there was a way around them. It was then that they surrounded me and started pecking at my genitals. I barely made it back to the car intact. I was frightened. My wife and children were crying. I got nothing against turkeys man but they are delicious.

Commuters on the Metro North line going from Manhattan to Poughkeepsie found themselves in the middle of a turkey riot.

“The train stopped just before Beacon and the conductor would not say why” said a commuter.

But we started to notice turkeys massing next to the train. Then the conductor came on and said, “I can’t hold them off any longer. God help us all!” Then a window was smashed and turkeys started coming into the car. One jumped onto my lap and got right into my face.

Hey whitey screw you and your privilege!

“Gobble gobble. Gonna eat me white man?” he kept saying.  That and “Hey, ho, human privilege has got to go.” Fortunately turkeys have long necks. So I grabbed him by it, broke the neck and put him in my backpack. Gonna cook him on Thanksgiving. Free turkey! I love it!

New York’s JFK Airport was placed in lockdown due to thousands of malevolent turkeys who ran onto runways and entered terminals.

“It was chaos. Sheer chaos. I haven’t seen such panic and misery since Madonna threatened to give us all blow jobs” said a security officer at JFK.

People were screaming, hiding under chairs. Families became separated in the fog of turkey war. The turkeys were carrying signs that said #Turkeylivesmatter and “Down with Human privilege.” One came right up to me and attacked me.

I reject you and your human privilege!

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a turkey? Dead, soulless eyes. Kind of like my mother-in-laws.

With highways, trains and airports shutdown because of turkey rioting it seems millions will not be able to get home for the holiday.

Outgoing President Barack Obama has appealed for calm while also expressing sympathy for the turkeys.

America is a rich, diverse nation with many competing and viable traditions. While Thanksgiving is one of those traditions we must respect those who do not celebrate this holiday. Such a people are the turkeys. Turkeys have long been oppressed by white America. Is it any wonder they are fighting back. We must respect them and bring them into the mainstream if America is to be a truly inclusive nation.

The President then ended on a joke.

“We have tentative steps in this direction. After all, haven’t we elected a turkey as president?”

(63)