Borg Deny They Are Steampunk!

The Borg do not follow trends!

The Borg do not follow trends!

The Borg Collective, in a last-ditch attempt to subdue Earth, have denied they have any affiliation with the so-called “steampunk” movement.

“The Borg Collective does not follow trends” said the Borg Queen.

I mean sure, we did go through a punk rock phase awhile back. And before that we had a hippie phase. And before that we divided into mods and rockers. And before that many Borg were bobby-soxers (we Borg believe in non-binary gender equality). But we have not, will not, become steampunk.We are ruthless assimilaters of entire quadrants of the universe but we are not nerds. We owe our success to being trendy and stylish. But not nerdy. Hence, we are not steampunk.

So desperate are the Borg to shake the steampunk label that the first wave of Borg to arrive on Earth were decked out in dockers and business casual dress shirts.

We thought this look would help us blend in and facilitate assimilation of your planet. It might have worked too but one of our collective ended up in a steampunk bar in Brooklyn and he became assimilated. Damn fool. Soon our entire first wave was going steampunk. That’s when our fortunes started to be reversed and the humans rejected us. Once we stopped being cool, as you humans put it, they just started laughing at us and not taking us seriously.  I guess it makes sense. Who wants to be assimilated by a nerd?

Confined to their spaceship in orbit around Earth for fear of being beaten up by humans, the Borg debated a new strategy to conquer humanity.

We thought that maybe, just maybe if we captured an earther and assimilated him he could become the “face” of the Borg and ease the transition. So we captured an English actor, Patrick Stewart,

I am English. And bald. But cool.

I am English. And bald. But cool.

and assimilated him.  Well that didn’t work out as expected. No one told us that the English haven’t been cool since they burned down Washington DC during the war of 1812. And, as expected, he went to a steampunk bar in Brooklyn and ruined our f*cking plan. He actually wet his finger, rubbed it on a woman and said, “Let’s get those wet clothes off you.” Plus I think he had a few too many. After the steampunk bar he wandered around until he found a lesbian bar. He walked in and said, “I am Locutus of Borg. Prepare to be penetrated. And you’ll like it this time.”  He was lucky to get out of Brooklyn alive. So to recap: English aren’t cool. Steampunk English are really not cool. Drunk steampunk English get the crap beaten out of them.

Effective immediately all Borg have been banned from visiting any steampunk bars in brooklyn. Violators will be sold to the Ferengi.

Now you want to talk about nerds. The Ferengi are the biggest nerds in the galaxy. No Borg wants to have anything to do with them. So that punishment alone will keep them out of Brooklyn.


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The Steampunk Association of America has denied any relation to the Borg.

“That’s not us man” said their president.

“The Borg are nerds. Granted, not as nerdy as a blogger who writes about steampunk and Star Trek in the same post. I mean who does that?  Probably some really big nerd who hasn’t been laid in years.”


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