Peaceful Man Totally Not a Member of the Religion of Peace Runs Over and Stabs Students at Ohio State

We may never know his motives.

We may never know his motives.

On Monday the campus of Ohio State was shaken when a student, for reasons we may never know, ran his car into students before being shot by a white man.

“We are all shocked and saddened by this” said an official at Ohio State.

We have absolutely no idea what his motives could be. But I must stress that we not rush to judgement. Perhaps he was upset over the presidential election results. Perhaps he was upset over the institutional racism of white America. Perhaps he was distressed that free healthcare will now be a thing of the past thanks to the Republicans. But no matter what his motives may have been I think we can all agree on one thing: Hillary Clinton won the popular vote and therefore should be president. The Electoral College is racist.

Students at Ohio State who were in the path of the suspect’s car were treated for stab wounds, injuries as the result of being run over by a car and institutional white racism.

“The victims are all being treated” according to a spokesman at a nearby hospital.

They are all in a state of shock, as you can imagine. We are treating their injuries as best we can. We have set up safe spaces in the hospital where the victims can play with teddy bears and stuffed dolls and talk about their feelings. Many are frightened of what else a conservative white person might do to them. We are trying to calm them down and instill in them their own guilt for being complicit in the racist system of the under-educated white man. Oh, and yeah, some of them have stab wounds. We’ll treat those.

The unjustly-shot suspect, Abdul Razak Artan, was an OSU student who feared for his life because of white backlash after the Donald Trump election. He had recently posted on his facebook page the following:

I am sick and tired of seeing my fellow Muslim brothers and sisters being killed and tortured EVERYWHERE … I can’t take it anymore. America! Stop interfering with other countries … [if] you want us Muslims to stop carrying lone wolf attacks.

The FBI, which has been called in to investigate the case are at a loss as to what this post might mean.

“Our current theory is that his Facebook page was hacked” said the FBI agent in charge of the investigation.

He was a Muslim after all. And Islam is the Religion of Peace. I’m sure a practitioner of this religion would not make threats. Unless they deserved it. Or were non-believers. In any event we at the FBI are confident we can place the blame squarely where it belongs: On Tea Baggers or Donald Trump supporters. It’s just like a Trump supporter to try and frame a person of color.

As for the unfortunate and framed Abdul Razak Artan, he was shot dead by a white officer. That officer has been placed on administrative leave pending an investigation of his racism.

Governor John Kasich of Ohio has announced that he has asked the Federal government to send him more Somali refugees.

“We must fight racism wherever we can”said the governor.


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