Socialism is a compassionate economic system, believe me. No seriously. Believe me or go to jail

Fidel Castro, widely hailed as “The greatest world leader since Winston Churchill” and “Cuba’s Bernie Sanders” has died.

When news of Fidel’s compassionate redistribution of his life reached the Worldwide Headquarters of Manhattan Infidel™ I immediately had one reaction:

He has to redistribute his life on a weekend?  Dammit do you know how much blow I’ve done since 5 pm Friday? I’m in no shape to report on this! That’s just like a world leader. Always thinking of himself.

But being the consummate professional that I am I was out of blow anyway I booked a flight to Hell to report on this fast-moving event.

I arrived in Hell and was immediately subject to a strip search. My luggage was also misplaced and ended up in Los Angeles. (To be fair, many confuse the two.)

I asked around until I was able to locate the new resident of Hell.  I found Fidel addressing the damned in what appeared to be an eight-hour long speech.  Many of the damned seemed quite bored and were complaining.

“It’s bad enough I’m here for all eternity” said one tormented soul.

But I have to listen to this guy drone on four hours and hours?  I mean I’m used to being flayed alive but this is just cruel and unusual punishment. We have a union in Hell you know. I’ll file a grievance. Then we’ll see who’s laughing.

I noticed that Satan was not in attendance at Fidel’s speech and asked why.

He left hours ago. Kept looking at his watch and muttering “I have souls to torment, not be tormented by this socialist clown.” I think he’s in one of the lower circles of Hell now doing his thing. Just follow the screams.

While no one outside of the New York Times has ever interviewed Satan, and it would be a great feather in my cap, he was not the person I was here to see.  So I waited.

After 13 hours Fidel finished his speech and I approached him and told him I was a blogger from America who wanted to interview him.

Fidel was gracious and asked me to accompany him as he sought out his old comrade, Che Guevara.

“I know he’s here somewhere the old socialist dog.”

After exploring the lower circles of Hell Che was located, face down in a lava pit being whipped by a black serpent.  Che and Castro exchanged pleasantries and Castro asked him what he had been up to.

“Not much” Che responded.

I’m just sitting here being tortured for all eternity by this serpent. You noticed his skin color? He’s very energetic and conscientious in his duty. And all this time I thought Negroes were indolent. I guess I was proved wrong.

Finally it was time for Fidel to find what his punishment was:  He was to spend all eternity in a socialist workers paradise.

“Now that’s just cruel” he muttered.

Those places are drab and always have shortages of food, toilet paper and utilities. I ought to know. I ran one for 60 years. But that doesn’t mean I want to live in one.

“Still it could be worse” he said as he was led away.  “They could have made Teddy Kennedy my chauffeur.”

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