Please state the nature of your sexual emergency

The Emergency Medical Hologram (“EMH“) aboard the Star Ship Voyager has been shut down because of aberrant behavior on its part.

“It’s bad enough our doctor died so we had to activate the EMH” said Voyager’s Captain, Kathryn Janeway.

I like my doctors like I like my bourbon: real and warm. No ice. And EMH’s always are a little icy. But eventually we got used to him and started viewing him as a member of the crew. But then the trouble started.

The trouble would be a hidden sub-routine in the EMH’s programming.

How were any of us to know that the EMH was written in with a sexual sub-routine that was activated by our crew.  I blame Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres. Those two were always going at it. But since B’Elanna is part Klingon she injured Tom once during sex.

Let’s have rough sex that injures you

So they called the EMH. He’s supposed to say “Please state the nature of your medical emergency” when you activate him. Instead he sees them and says “Please state the nature of your sexual emergency.”  Then he asked if he could stay and watch. I expect that sort of behavior from Ensign Kim but not the EMH.

Thinking it was just a temporary bug a Level 3 diagnostic was run on the EMH.

The diagnostic didn’t find anything so we thought we were safe. But the problem kept getting worse. Now every time we activated him he wanted to get his holographic freak on. Sometimes he wasn’t even wearing pants. I’m no programmer but whoever programmed this guy needs to be shot.

One crew member, a former Borg designated Seven of Nine

Come on Come on let’s make love tonight

in particular was the target of the EMH’s sexual subroutine.

He would show up in her quarters even when not activated. At all hours. He even started singing an old Earth tune by Marvin Gaye called “Sexual Healing.” While Seven of Nine called security the EMH would prance around in a towel singing “Get up, get up, get up, get up Let’s make love tonight.”  I tell you it was borderline harassment.

Soon the EMH’s sexual subroutine became insatiable.

He started showing up at all the male crew quarters.  “Time for your exam” he’d say while waving what he called “The Finger of Pleasure”  in front of a poor crewman’s face.  Commander Chakotay

I feel violated!

still hasn’t stopped crying. I think he may be seriously psychologically harmed by what happened.

Finally the core of the Voyager’s computer system had to be brought down while all references to the EMH were wiped out.

Now we have no doctor. Shame really since we’re stuck in the Delta quadrant and it’ll take us 70 years to get back to Earth. But we have a library and I’m having the cook, Neelix, study any medical textbooks we have. Most of the crew have died but he’s learning.

At the moment there are no plans to bring back the EMH.

“Before we reactivate the horny bastard I’m having the replicator make chastity belts for all of us” said Janeway.

(229)

I am green women hear me roar!

Throughout the Alpha quadrant, green woman have bonded together into support groups. The object?  Share their experiences at the hands of Star Fleet officers.

“We are tired of how Star Fleet officers use us and then toss us away” said one green woman attending a support session.

Yes I am green. And no man can resist a green woman but that doesn’t mean I am here for your objectification. I’m serious. Every time I meet someone from the Federation it starts out well. They buy me flowers. Handbags. Shoes. But eventually they all want the same thing: To get inside my green pussy. I have feelings. I’m not just here for a hookup. I want to find a life partner!

Still another green woman spoke of the lack of boundaries.

I’m a dancer. I don’t apologize for using my body. A girl’s got to do what a girls’ got to do.

You can look but you better not touch!

I do a lot of private parties for Star Fleet officers on shore leave. They are good tippers. But they insist on touching as well as looking. I can understand it. I’m a green woman after all. They all want me. Even Wesley Crusher was getting turned on. Though his pubes haven’t dropped yet so he wasn’t able to do anything. So yeah, but come on. I’m a professional dancer not an escort. Keep your grubby Star Fleet hands off my body!

So concerned has Star Fleet become by the so-called “Objectifying Star Fleet gaze”

The objectifying Star Fleet gaze has become a problem

that a Prime Directive has been sent out to all officers warning them that contact with green women has been officially banned for centuries.

Star Fleet Order No. 297A

Re:  Green Women

Pursuant to previous memos and reinforcing official Fleet policy all officers are reminded that as ambassadors of the Federation they shall not objectify or otherwise sexualize the local inhabitants, including but not limited to Romulans, Vulcans, Klingons, Aldebaran shellmouths and of course green women. Your first mission in remote regions is to spread the values of the Federation. Nor does “to seek out new life” mean coitus as is widely believed. We ask all officers to adhere to this policy. Violators will be fined and/or demoted in rank.

The order has for the most part met with little resistance.

“Screw it. I’ll just use the holodeck for my green girl action” commented Commander Riker of the Enterprise D.

Not everyone however wishes to stay away from green women.

I just want to do it with a green girl!!!!

“I just want to do something with a green girl!  Why oh why don’t my pubes descend? Come on pubes. Do your thing!” acting ensign Wesley Crusher was heard to cry.

(45)

Miss Piggy is missing!

Nine days after the famous Women’s March that united the globe, Hollywood veteran Miss Piggy remains missing.

“It’s true” said her manager.

No one has heard from her and we are all concerned. The last time I spoke to her she was in Washington at the march waiting for her chance to speak. She said Ashley Judd was on stage and “firing up the sisterhood.”  Miss Piggy was looking forward to speaking and sharing her experiences with sexism in Hollywood.

While many know Miss Piggy from her years with the Muppets what many don’t know is that behind the scenes she had become radicalized after dealing with the patriarchy in Hollywood.

“Miss Piggy wanted to be taken seriously as an artist” said a friend.

Instead she found nothing but casting couches. She became resigned to using her body to get roles. That’s how she got the job on the Muppets. Jim Henson wanted sexual favors from Miss Piggy. She didn’t like it. She felt humiliated but a girl has to do what a girl has to do to survive.

Disgusted by years of sexism, her ability to reproduced destroyed by repeated abortions demanded by her producer boyfriends, Miss Piggy became embittered and grew to hate men.

Seeing the Women’s  march as a chance to proclaim her feminist values Miss Piggy traveled to the event, speech in hand. This speech, which she never had the chance to give, was found in a garbage can after the march, some portions of which I now quote in hopes that it will give us insight into her final days.

I am a nasty pig. I am a nasty woman. I am a nasty pig woman. I’m not as nasty as the bloodstains in my pig panties. I’m not as nasty as bleeding from my orifices. Bleeding imposed upon us by a god that hates nasty women. I am a nasty pig woman but not as nasty as using a coat hanger to abort my child because my rich producer boyfriend wouldn’t pay for an abortion. My vagina is bloodier than the season premiere of the Walking Dead! I take pride in my nasty blood. I smear my nasty blood and nasty feces all over the walls of the patriarchy!

“After Ashley left the stage I turned to give Miss Piggy her cue but she was gone” said a march organizer.

We thought maybe she had gone to a porta-john or she was putting on some makeup but no one could find her. So instead we all linked arms and sang Tammy Wynette’s song “Stand by Your Man” only we changed the lyrics to “Stand by Your Bloody Pussy.”

Suspicion immediately fell upon Miss Piggy’s long-time paramour, Kermit the Frog.

Despite carrying a sign that said “Beta male just here to shut up, learn and listen” many doubted if he were a true feminist.

“Kermit  liked his women young and let’s face it, Miss Piggy was getting up there” said an associate of the two.

I mean everyone on the set of the Muppets knew he was trying to get rid of her. Hell he even asked Fozzy Bear if he’d kill her for $50,000. I guess he figured paying someone to murder her was cheaper than paying alimony.

An arrest warrant has been issued for Fozzy Bear who is described as “extremely dangerous and armed with many bad jokes.”

Kermit maintains his innocence but has traveled to a non-extradition country just in case.

“I’m just sitting here relaxing in the south of France. Where’s Missy Piggy?  That’s none of my concern” said Kermit.

(185)

Look at this firetrap!!

Local resident and masked crime fighter Batman has been fined an undisclosed but”hefty” sum after the Fire Department of Gotham made a surprise inspection of the Bat Cave and logged 16 major fire code violations.

“Upon a routine inspection of said ‘Bat Cave’ we found violations” said the commissioner of the GCFD.

For starters the Bat Cave had only one exit which was not clearly marked. This in itself is enough to shut down the premises. There were no emergency lights in the Cave in case of a power outage or fire. So no one would be able to follow the emergency lights to the exit.

We discovered dangerous chemicals such as shark repellent, Joker repellent and Penguin repellent. We also found on the premises thermite explosives, mini-mines, coke-fueled salamander, portable space heaters, powered industrial equipment and a tar kettle. He was in possession of all of these without the required permit from the GCFD. He also was improperly disposing of industrial waste. The Bat Cave was also deficit in the required fire protection systems. There were no portable fire extinguishers. No high expansion foam systems. No wet or dry chemical fire extinguishing systems. In fact there was no fire alarm system at all. It is a wonder that the entire cave hasn’t exploded yet. We had to shut it down. We have a responsibility to Gotham to keep its citizens safe. And unlike the GCPD we actually do our job.

When reached for comment Batman pleaded for a temporary exemption from the fire code.

“I have nothing but respect for the hard working members of the GCFD” said Batman.

But my entire success depends on secrecy. I’m a masked crime fighter after all. And because I depend on secrecy it’s not like I could hire electricians out of the phone book when setting up the Bat Cave. Believe me I tried. But when I told them that they had to sign an oath of secrecy they walked out. “We’re union and no one is telling us what to do” they told me. So I had to cut some corners. I hired Mexicans. They wired the place up as best they could but maybe there was a language barrier. I don’t speak Spanish and Robin is gay. But I need the Bat Cave open. It has my Bat computers that help me profile and fight crime.

With the Bat Cave shut down Batman has temporarily transferred his base of operations to office space he is renting on Main street.

It’s just not the same.  I have no privacy. I only have a cubicle mind you and the computers here are all Apple and they won’t run my crime fighting software. And the mayor wonders why crime is rising. I”ll tell you why. Private citizens like me are being harassed. I bet this is all because I didn’t vote for him.

Batman then took an elevator down to the street to smoke.

“I can’t even smoke in the building which I could do in the Bat Cave. Now whenever I smoke tourists point to me and say “Hey, it’s smoking Batman.” I tell you I haven’t been this embarrassed since the Bat Cave’s computers crashed during the Windows 10 upgrade.”

(173)

The challenge shall now take on a new form.

The High Council of the Planet Vulcan, responding to complaints that the Vulcan mating ritual known as the “Pon Farr” is becoming increasingly irrelevant to younger Vulcans has approved historic changes in the ceremony.

“The Pon Farr is the bedrock of Vulcan Society” said a High Council member.

It is the summit through with all Vulcan power flows.  But let’s face it. The ceremony was outdated and in need of change. The younger generation had stopped Pon Farr-ing. They considered it old fashioned. They just wanted sex, drugs and rock and roll. To tell you the truth I could see the logical appeal to that lifestyle. But it is disastrous in the long run. It is hoped these changes will make the Pon Farr more relevant to younger Vulcans and increase attendance at all Pon Farr ceremonies.

The first change will be the “Challenge.”  All Vulcan brides-to-be had to right to have their mate fight for her. These fights were to the death. However many young Vulcans refused to fight.

The kids didn’t want to do it. Plus, let’s be honest. We have an obesity epidemic on Vulcan and a lot of the kids were just to fat to fight. So now if she chooses the challenge the men will play the old Earth board game of Battleship. It’s game of logic, which is good for Vulcans and it’s a game of strategy which will help young Vulcans hone their military skills.

The Pon Farr outfits will also be updated.

The old outfits come to us from the time of the beginning. But the kids thought they looked goofy. Plus the guy stuck wearing the big black thing over his face

I can’t breathe with this thing on!

was always complaining that he couldn’t breathe. So now they will wear regular Vulcan street clothes. I know not as dramatic but we have to adapt to the times.

And finally the music will be changed.

We’re getting rid of the guys with the shaky bell things.

Those bells! Such unwelcome noise.

Even I didn’t like them. They served no logical purpose and all the bells did was make the combatants nervous. And if there is to be a fight to the death we want it to be a relaxed one. So musically we’re going in a new direction. We tried getting Paul McCartney and Wings but I understand they have broken up. So instead music for the Pon Farr will be provided by Paul Anka, who has graciously agreed to sing “Having My Baby.” I think the kids will be able to relate to Paul. He’s young. He’s hip. His choice of hats is flawlessly logical.

The new regulations go into effect with the next Pon Farr mating season in Spring.

“We think the new ceremony will knock the kids’ socks off.”

(204)