Please state the nature of your sexual emergency

The Emergency Medical Hologram (“EMH“) aboard the Star Ship Voyager has been shut down because of aberrant behavior on its part.

“It’s bad enough our doctor died so we had to activate the EMH” said Voyager’s Captain, Kathryn Janeway.

I like my doctors like I like my bourbon: real and warm. No ice. And EMH’s always are a little icy. But eventually we got used to him and started viewing him as a member of the crew. But then the trouble started.

The trouble would be a hidden sub-routine in the EMH’s programming.

How were any of us to know that the EMH was written in with a sexual sub-routine that was activated by our crew.  I blame Tom Paris and B’Elanna Torres. Those two were always going at it. But since B’Elanna is part Klingon she injured Tom once during sex.

Let’s have rough sex that injures you

So they called the EMH. He’s supposed to say “Please state the nature of your medical emergency” when you activate him. Instead he sees them and says “Please state the nature of your sexual emergency.”  Then he asked if he could stay and watch. I expect that sort of behavior from Ensign Kim but not the EMH.

Thinking it was just a temporary bug a Level 3 diagnostic was run on the EMH.

The diagnostic didn’t find anything so we thought we were safe. But the problem kept getting worse. Now every time we activated him he wanted to get his holographic freak on. Sometimes he wasn’t even wearing pants. I’m no programmer but whoever programmed this guy needs to be shot.

One crew member, a former Borg designated Seven of Nine

Come on Come on let’s make love tonight

in particular was the target of the EMH’s sexual subroutine.

He would show up in her quarters even when not activated. At all hours. He even started singing an old Earth tune by Marvin Gaye called “Sexual Healing.” While Seven of Nine called security the EMH would prance around in a towel singing “Get up, get up, get up, get up Let’s make love tonight.”  I tell you it was borderline harassment.

Soon the EMH’s sexual subroutine became insatiable.

He started showing up at all the male crew quarters.  “Time for your exam” he’d say while waving what he called “The Finger of Pleasure”  in front of a poor crewman’s face.  Commander Chakotay

I feel violated!

still hasn’t stopped crying. I think he may be seriously psychologically harmed by what happened.

Finally the core of the Voyager’s computer system had to be brought down while all references to the EMH were wiped out.

Now we have no doctor. Shame really since we’re stuck in the Delta quadrant and it’ll take us 70 years to get back to Earth. But we have a library and I’m having the cook, Neelix, study any medical textbooks we have. Most of the crew have died but he’s learning.

At the moment there are no plans to bring back the EMH.

“Before we reactivate the horny bastard I’m having the replicator make chastity belts for all of us” said Janeway.

(229)